tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85336210874503890192024-02-06T18:54:23.489-08:00Life UnscriptedWe have to go through this life with an idea of what we want to accomplish but we will never have a full script that allows us to know the whole story.So Life is left best unscripted and when coming upon a fork in the road and asked which way to go. my response "neither left nor right keep on going straight and make your own path :) its more fun that way!"Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-17976596535951024672013-07-30T15:10:00.001-07:002013-07-30T15:10:02.697-07:00Hello 2013!~Some big changes have happened this year! <br />
First of all I started going to the Gym (TEAM PUMP) in Merced with my sister. The people there are so supportive and encouraging. UI don't feel like im being judged or looked at, I feel welcomed and comfortable. The work outs get intense but I Love them and push myself to finish everyone of them. I got 5 days a week Mon-Fri. On Fridays we go out into the city of merced to different places. Its fun using tractor tires and slosh pipes and ropes and other stuff! I have enjoyed working out and have so far in 2months I am down 30 lbs! Im on my way to a healthier lifestyle and this time I plan on keeping it off. I will reach my goal of 180 this time! Sept is my 10 year class reunion so im gonna work hard to lose as much as I can! <br />
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updates on life<br />
<br />
well a lot of things have changed... most recently my best friend of 7 years ended our friendship. it was hard and I fell into a real bad depression but with the support of family and friends I was able to realize that he was a bad influence and was holding me back from becoming the best version of myself that I can be. he was not encouraging and always made me feel worthless. I have recently become more self aware and love myself. I am taking back my life one step at a time and have made some amazing progress. Im active in church and socially with my friends. I cant count how many times people have told me how much my countenance has changed and how much I glow. I am happier and enjoying life as much as I can.<br />
<br />
I am planning on moving to Nashville, Tn. in February and checking out if I like it there, and look for jobs in the area. If I end up not liking it I will just come back home and finish school here and figure out a new plan! I cant wait, it feels like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulder, I love myself and feel as though for the first time I am living for myself! <br />
<br />
Recently<br />
<br />
I have completed the Recon run (5k) at Modesto Resevoir.<br />
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The Neon Night Run at the Stanislaus county fairgrounds (5K)</div>
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I also completed my first 10k (6miles) at the Wharf-To-Wharf run from Santa Cruz, Ca. To Capitola, CA.</div>
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beautiful scenery and nice weather... Finished in just under 2 hours!</div>
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Weight loss and runs to be continued!</div>
Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-4405101129843126042012-07-30T11:56:00.002-07:002012-07-30T11:56:59.559-07:00Thru the winds of Tribulation, Adjust the sails of our lives to go where neededLast night as I was sitting under a tree in the dark cool night of summer. I saw a twinkle in the sky, the stars above seemed to look down at me as the moon smiled upon my face. A cool breeze blew across my skin and ruffled thru my hair. as I sat pondering things and praying to heavenly father I felt a peace come into my heart and fill in the cracks. As I pondered things that needed to be done my phone went off and I received a message from an old friend who now lives out of the state, He sent me a long caring message that confirmed to me the thoughts that were running thru my mind as I read the words that were written a sense of happiness and peace made me smile. I know where Iam going and I know who I am its time to live like it. I will carry on doing the things I love but I know I dont need a man in my life, I can be happy and fullfilled with out a boyfriend. I can focus on school, My music, My photography, and writing... I can work on my book, I can write more songs, I can go out and sing karaoke with my friends, I can travel whenever I want. I can do anything I want if i just put my mind to it! I will be recieveing my AA soon and then will be planning the rest of my lifes adventure! The winds will keep blowing and may get stronger but as for me an my boat of life I will just keep on adjusting my sales to stay on the course that I WANT! I really dont care if you dont like me, if you say im not good enough well maybe your not good enough for me, if you say im not pretty then guess what your the one who may want to look in the mirror and look inside yourself to make sure your not ugly inside. I am happy with who I am right now at this moment! Yes I may be lonely and yearn for love but I dont NEED it. I am happy with where my life is heading the wind will not throw me off course ever again! I am strong, I am Talented, and people like to throw rocks at things that shine, So I must be doing something right and I must be shining because I have been collecting alot of rocks! :) I love all of my friends and family who have been supportive and full of love and patience! to you I owe the world. I will see you at the top when I get there cuz you are all coming with me! LETS DO THIS! LETS SET SAIL FOR THIS NEW ADVENTURE! <br />
BON VOYAGE!<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjptO0xuG2QT8teMLsm8yd1-aWW5Tnf2Jspt1z76m7_5Y5siz1f4xYqGUC7U1P3XC9cQqACSo-prpsN_UBP6R22gaePkNUKPLh4_K8B3-MlmO6wYdCPkoWUWb-NcjwzvoEN7zgK4eNszSQ/s1600/thumbnailCAWZV92Y.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjptO0xuG2QT8teMLsm8yd1-aWW5Tnf2Jspt1z76m7_5Y5siz1f4xYqGUC7U1P3XC9cQqACSo-prpsN_UBP6R22gaePkNUKPLh4_K8B3-MlmO6wYdCPkoWUWb-NcjwzvoEN7zgK4eNszSQ/s400/thumbnailCAWZV92Y.jpg" width="372" /></a></div>Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-91457370706350926772012-05-22T08:52:00.001-07:002012-05-22T08:52:47.297-07:00The fight between good and evil...I have come to find that i am constantly in a struggle with myself.<br />
an internal fight of good and evil.<br />
its like there are two voices in my head on telling me that I can and that I am worth it.<br />
but the other much stronger telling me that I dont deserve anything.<br />
<br />
As i sit and write I have come to the decision I would like to share with you my readers the stuggle I go through everyday, and the thoughts that run through my head day to day. Its been a long process to make this decision but I think its time to share with my readers.<br />
<br />
here are examples of the things that run through my mind day to day. I know there is no logic to them but the thoughts are still hard to fight when they are so loud and strong and day to day they change.<br />
<br />
" You worthless excuse for a human why do you even try"<br />
"you dont deserve to be pretty, you dont deserve to work out, you are ugly and that wont ever change, you should just eat until you die"<br />
"you are an ugly pig, you should hide in a corner and never leave it"<br />
"you cant do anything right, you will never accomplish anything your ugly piece of s#@&"<br />
" you are untalented you should just give up now, you will never make a difference"<br />
"you cant help anyone you are useless, no one likes you, they all hate you and laugh at you"<br />
" why would you even think that guy would be interested in a fat cow like you, you gross ugly heffer!"<br />
" quit, give up, your a loser and dont deserve to be happy"<br />
" you need to be punished for being so ugly and fat"<br />
"you cant work out your weak"<br />
"You cant do that work out, your fat and disgusting so you shouldnt try you will always be that way nothing will change that"<br />
<br />
as i write out the feelings in a journal I try and force myself to recognize the lies, but the stronger the evil (SHE) gets the harder "SHE" is to fight.<br />
<br />
as as if I am at war inside myself.<br />
<br />
A great friend gave me a book that is helping me to feel comfort to know and understand im not alone in this struggle, I am really enjoying the book and hope I can find a way to fight harder.<br />
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but right now I am trying to rely on my heavenly father for help but "SHE" tells me that its useless because I am beyond salvation, that I can never be fogiven, that I am a bad person who deserves to not be forgiven or helped.<br />
<br />
I am trying to get my life back on track. I need to get back to reading my scriptures althought it is hard to focus i am reading more everyday.<br />
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I need to pray often for Heavenly Fathers Love and help, I know he is there but it gets hard sometimes.<br />
<br />
although I struggle everyday I need to keep fighting, Endure to the end, and continue to help those who are in need.<br />
<br />
I know I have a great adventure and plan for my future so I need to get ready and prepare.<br />
<br />
thanks for reading, I just felt the need to share with you what I am going through to help you understand me just a little bit more.<br />
<br />
I love you all and I am here if anyone needs anything.<br />
<br />
Take care and remeber Heavenly Father loves you!<br />
<br />
ENDURE TO THE END<br />
<br />
Im gonna keep fighting this war as long as I have to... win or lose!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-34098233476991635462011-12-27T13:24:00.000-08:002011-12-27T13:46:09.749-08:00The pursuit of the elusive unicorn.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaacsUcwguYnZqDyBYrVQ1lMtpSRMMtxDN5KnRKSjyJvhaHmEu_2mur6UShyphenhyphenP2XH3W1UwV39XeapljXaoqtrl9C9SgaLe-KKQTPBcfXt83vLiFf_IIlvnjvHHfDpQoKQCzkksCAQCXWJw/s1600/unicorn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaacsUcwguYnZqDyBYrVQ1lMtpSRMMtxDN5KnRKSjyJvhaHmEu_2mur6UShyphenhyphenP2XH3W1UwV39XeapljXaoqtrl9C9SgaLe-KKQTPBcfXt83vLiFf_IIlvnjvHHfDpQoKQCzkksCAQCXWJw/s200/unicorn.jpg" width="200" /></a>As I search for the elusive unicorn. I see a beautiful world, full of life, full of goodness, full of potential. I look in the mirror and for the first time, I see all those things in me. I see the beautiful woman standing in front of me, a woman with so much potential that its scary, a woman that is so full of life when she is happy that people cant help but smile and be happy in her presence, I see and influential member of society who WILL make big changes in the world in the future. I see the woman I am and the woman I will be someday. <br />
<br />
Who am I and who will I be:<br />
I am talented<br />
I am loving <br />
I am sensitive to peoples needs<br />
I am goal oriented<br />
I am driven<br />
I am loyal<br />
I am supportive<br />
I will be a great mother<br />
I will be a great wife<br />
I will cook dinner for my family<br />
I will raise my family in the Gospel of Christ<br />
I will bake with my family<br />
I will go on spontaneous trips with my husband and family<br />
I will love my future husband with everything I am<br />
I will give my future husband back and foot massages<br />
I will make a huge change in the world and be an influential member of society<br />
I will be a great role model and example to the world<br />
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Even amongst the rejection and the feelings of low self worth I am climbing out of a hole, I will find the light and tak of running. Even amongst the Shallow, self indulgent, superficial males I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by I am coming to find my own and realizing I am so much better than they are because I can see past the false beauty to what really matters, WHO I AM INSIDE...thats all that matters. I finally know that despite not being good enough for those guys that I Love, The propably dont deserve me anyways, but not only that they wouldnt be prepared or man enough to be my husband anyways.<br />
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I have found the elusive unicorn and it does exist... INSIDE ME.. My heart is unique, my soul is unique, my love is unique, my personality is all my own, I am amazing, I am beautiful, I am majestic, and have so much to offer to the right person, I will have patience and with Heavenly Fathers guideance and love I will find my way. I will conquer all my (blessings) trials, and I will become the woman he has planned for me to be!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-23705621249853068132011-12-21T10:19:00.000-08:002011-12-21T10:19:38.909-08:00Icing on the cakeWell I have never been a materialistic person. I never find jo in buying things, or having things purchased for me. I am always a careful shopper and never really buy stuff that is not a nessecitity. <br />
I always feel bad when others buy me stuff because until now I never felt like I deserved anyone to buy me anything.I have come to start to realize my potential, and finally knowing who I and realizing what great self worth I have. I now know that I deserve alot more than I allow myself to have.<br />
<br />
I went shopping last night to buy a new jacket and ended up with a great coat, two pairs of amazing shoes, and a blue shirt ( a color I normally would not wear) but I love them all. I came to realize last night ( Thanks to an amazing friend and amazing young man) that its ok to let people do something for you. Its ok to let people spend money on you. It kinda made me force myself to realize that I am special, That I do deserve to be treated, instead of always treating others. <br />
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The clothes only excentuate the person who wears them, Its funny how looking good can make a person have so much more confidence. I felt like I could stop a crowded room and have all eyes on me. I felt like I was walking on the moon. I felt like I could touch the stars. I was happy, its funny to look and think, It wasnt so much the "THINGS" that were bought but the confidence, the love, the hope, the excitment and the things I learned that have made me happy. Its not the materials that life is made out of its how we wear them....Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-747110336848673562011-12-06T15:34:00.000-08:002011-12-06T15:34:21.836-08:00Game Over You LoseSo recently I have been taking inventory on the "CLUTTER" in my life. <br />
Sorting thru the mess that I am surrounded by and figuring out how to clean it.<br />
<br />
Recently I have some amazing spiritual moments. <br />
I have grown and matured so much.<br />
I am glad to finally know who I turly am without the "CLUTTER" and Who I can become.<br />
I know a little about what my future has in store for me and what great things lie ahead. They wont be easy but I am prepared! <br />
I am 26 and too old to sit around and play games with people. I need to focus on my future and figure out what people are going to be there. I need to figure out what people are ready for what is in store for me and who will be strong enough to endure it with me and support me through it.<br />
I need to focus on finding my eternal companion, someone who will support me in all my endevours, travel the world with me, raise a family centered around the teachings of Christ, some one who will love me for all that I am, and be there for me in all that I will do.<br />
I need to start thinking about my future family and I am preparing for them now. <br />
I am 26 years old and I am an amazing young woman, a choice daughter of God, and I DO NOT deserve to have my heart played with and my emotions messed with. I deserve to be treated with respect and intergity, and most of all honesty. I deserve the best.<br />
<br />
So I am done playing Games<br />
My heart is not a toy.<br />
My love is not a game.<br />
You had your chance for something that would have been amazing.<br />
You are losing the most amaazing woman you met.<br />
You are too blind to see the great blessing God has given you.<br />
I am sorry<br />
I could have loved you.<br />
But if this was a game<br />
you lost<br />
GAME OVERSuperwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-26416571928269499702011-11-15T11:05:00.000-08:002011-11-18T12:43:31.875-08:00let me introduce you to... " ME!"<div class="separator" style="border: currentColor; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggfhqAz_7uL5fIEpcaAk8aAcuXXnAYpIiT9Q8wmrWuTiS_uaUb5M7WDwaxy65CORkbHG520OL_eiaxd08GqU8rq-1N5lNf4RzmH606YxVIDfGIlBOSjktWaWAxOv7Sne9GV9RCMPwPI9w/s1600/216476_10150165927092252_510102251_7063812_2322084_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggfhqAz_7uL5fIEpcaAk8aAcuXXnAYpIiT9Q8wmrWuTiS_uaUb5M7WDwaxy65CORkbHG520OL_eiaxd08GqU8rq-1N5lNf4RzmH606YxVIDfGIlBOSjktWaWAxOv7Sne9GV9RCMPwPI9w/s320/216476_10150165927092252_510102251_7063812_2322084_n.jpg" width="191" /></a></div><div style="border: currentColor;">Hi I am Jenn!</div><div style="border: currentColor;">I am Mormon!</div><br />
<div style="border: currentColor;">ok ok so you want to know more well here it goes..I figure its about time people get know who I really am..</div>If I were going to put myself into a catagory it would be " Jack of all Trades, Master of None"<br />
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Let me explain. I love to do so many things, Draw, Sing, Dance, Paint, Drive, Build things, Pottery, Ceramics, Writing, and so much more... but im not really all that outstadning in any of them, I have never actually spent enough time to cultivate any of them<br />
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</div><div style="border: currentColor;">Well lets see I graduated in 2003 and after that I went to Spain for a month on an educational tour! it was awesome. I love to travel and if I could travel for the rest of my life I would!</div><div style="border: currentColor;">after that I started at MJC where I had no clue what I wanted to major in, and to be honest here 8 years later almost 9 I still dont know what I want to get a degree in, I am currently on my 5 major and my 3rd school. I am currently majoring in Graphic Design with a Minor in Photojournalism. Theres another on I love taking pictures! or having my picture taken ;) LOL.</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
</div><div style="border: currentColor;">lets see some things I love.. I warn you I am a DORK! I love cartoons, you know, Looney Tunes, Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Elmer Fudd, Old Mickey Mouse, SUPERMAN!!!! batman beyond, almost any comic book one, I love to watch those chessey disney channel movies they come out with every month, as much as I love to watch the history channel, Mythbusters, and ocassionally an episode of the Jersey Shore. I like to watch Ghost Adventures and paranormal stuff. I enjoy cuddling up with a good fantasy novel and reading about vampires, and wherewolves, elves, giants, unicorns and whatever other creatures are around. I lvoe Star Trek and Star Wars..I love old movies, Shirley Temple, Singing in the Rain, OH and BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO ARE AWESOME!. I could sit and watch disney movies, maybe just one a day though. I like to explore new places and even if I am scared I still like to try new things. I call my self adventurous and quite spontaneous, I would pick up right now and go on vacation if I had the money... I dont need to plan it, the fun things happen when there hasnt been a plan!</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
</div>I love Italian food, I love to bake, I like to make cakes, I want to learn to cook better.I dont like milk chocolate but do love Dark Chocolate. I dont like twizzlers, They are a chip rip off of Red Vines, I lvoe nachos, and I love chinese food. I try not to eat alot of sugar so when I bake I give it all away, I bake alot when I am stressed out or worried. <br />
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I like to play chess, and risk both fun games! I like to play sports, soccer Volleyball, basketball, football! I love it! not a fan of watching it though but the superbowl is cool, and hockey is always fun! I would rather be playing tho! I also like to go fishing.<br />
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I love the piano, I would love to be able to play but I would much rather sit and listen to someone else play it calms me and make me smile! <3 <3 music is a big huge part of my life! I just finished writing my first song completed! woo woo! i cant wait to record a demo, I finished writing the song at the LDS Temple grounds in Oakland<br />
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<div style="border: currentColor;">I love to read comic books, as much as I like to play video games. but as much as I love video games, I Love being outside, sitting basking in the sun, out at the lake camping, and boating, </div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
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</div>I am fasinated by guns and love to go out shooting, even if that is using airsoft or now i found i rather like paintball. <br />
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</div><div style="border: currentColor;">I love spending time with people, if I could I would do something every night so I could spend time with friends, geocaching, board games, other random games, swimming, walking, whatever spending time interacting with people is important to me. I love boomers and funworks I love go carts and putt-putt Golf, I love arcade games and winning those tickets that really doesnt get you much of anything, I love stuffed animlas and have quite a collection in containers for my future children each with its ouwn story and sentimental value, </div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJIe9fENc3n62h8kj2EkGB7AS0IiW3nLmKy5JZo-NQoK0Nz6v-oTVsdaQpkV5Leqb5Hm0w5FHeRje4HKNrd7MoVFx70zO9Uba6POfHSSzda-eLAjhLG3uLJzHHcJYRnkpolrU6-F0fyM/s1600/310100_10150347778357252_510102251_8589088_1619148158_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJIe9fENc3n62h8kj2EkGB7AS0IiW3nLmKy5JZo-NQoK0Nz6v-oTVsdaQpkV5Leqb5Hm0w5FHeRje4HKNrd7MoVFx70zO9Uba6POfHSSzda-eLAjhLG3uLJzHHcJYRnkpolrU6-F0fyM/s320/310100_10150347778357252_510102251_8589088_1619148158_n.jpg" width="191" /></a></div><div style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I have a collection of barbies too, yes I still play barbies with my niece, So what its good for an active imagination, I have a collection of Superman stuff too its displayed in my room.</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
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</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPtPOqUBNYSjCux52MzmJyY-wzfBrHwX7PmVcJLfYQ3WuNFRaFdQImq4YwplZuIa_ceY2R92gd2TPmEWGRmbwwZ4rSNX2hXbHtPmT2j-T6JWBn-9opEJb97kGkOpd5JeWAuQCXDsNR1U0/s1600/269171_10150237221082252_510102251_7690623_4336590_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPtPOqUBNYSjCux52MzmJyY-wzfBrHwX7PmVcJLfYQ3WuNFRaFdQImq4YwplZuIa_ceY2R92gd2TPmEWGRmbwwZ4rSNX2hXbHtPmT2j-T6JWBn-9opEJb97kGkOpd5JeWAuQCXDsNR1U0/s200/269171_10150237221082252_510102251_7690623_4336590_n.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif6Zc4vwfnsZ3o3k8DZko8roXnks_AcukyOU5WkENBdrl1htbfaCqDcSiaZBgLiZVzxxk5HhR7HcND9dzsRAFCMDjbJZo41405ruqDDggYmJI2Rv6MXjQaz26WwSShYNyn7_pbr2hnPJ0/s1600/34011_406457557251_510102251_4660732_5892129_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif6Zc4vwfnsZ3o3k8DZko8roXnks_AcukyOU5WkENBdrl1htbfaCqDcSiaZBgLiZVzxxk5HhR7HcND9dzsRAFCMDjbJZo41405ruqDDggYmJI2Rv6MXjQaz26WwSShYNyn7_pbr2hnPJ0/s200/34011_406457557251_510102251_4660732_5892129_n.jpg" width="200" /></a> I love to play in the irrigation water and with my dogs, I love to get dirty mud is awesome for the skin, I want to learn to work on cars more than i already do, I am not afraid to get my hands dirty.</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
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</div><div style="border: currentColor;">My mind is always active so I try to do stuff all the time, because I get bored quite easily, I enjoy talking, maybe too much! but hey whatever, I could talk for days! ok maybe not that much... but I do love to talk.</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
</div><div style="border: currentColor;">I have dealt with depression my whole life and struggled with my self image forever, I have always hated how I looked and am making changes now.</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaY28jkGQSeUZcCHyESdRRQf3MS2Y5Ro7_-DAHsAQCZEJrB62X2OusPUrEwkVe68HNgpd_6_h1nOYeKEI2VTcVmMfdzNuBCpaXFKyUp_0r5lDCMokZkC8yQdw4d1YgJmWTF5KOhNWYr4Y/s1600/250192_10150254165232252_510102251_7864124_5858785_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaY28jkGQSeUZcCHyESdRRQf3MS2Y5Ro7_-DAHsAQCZEJrB62X2OusPUrEwkVe68HNgpd_6_h1nOYeKEI2VTcVmMfdzNuBCpaXFKyUp_0r5lDCMokZkC8yQdw4d1YgJmWTF5KOhNWYr4Y/s320/250192_10150254165232252_510102251_7864124_5858785_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border: currentColor;"> I dealt with bullying my whole life, being teased and made fun of. That negitive stuff is hard to get rid of but I am decluttering my mind and getting rid of all that false stuff taht has been built up, I can be and will be happy with who I am and I am actually starting to be. I through myself into service projects to help others so that I can see that my struggles are nothing compared to theirs, I know that I am capable of helping others and feel I should as much and as long as I am able to do so.</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
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</div><div style="border: currentColor;">I may be a dork, I may be a nerd, I may not be a sexy Hot woman, but I am beautiful, </div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
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</div><div style="border: currentColor;">I may love to much but that is who I am, I Love with all my heart and am loyal to those I call my friends. I am always there when anyone needs help. I may not be a tidy OCD clean person but I am clean, I may not seem all that innocent but I am , there are things I have no clue what people are talking about, and I am completley ok with not knowing. I am creative and imaginative, I am spontaneous, and ambitious, I have big dreams well actually I have big goals, because dreams are just that dreams but Goals will be accomplished. I will be a country singer someday and receive an award, I want to meet Dolly Parton and sing a song with her and record it.</div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
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</div><div style="border: currentColor;"> I want to get married in the LDS Temple, I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints and I have a testimony of Gods Gospel and his love for all his children. I want to have children and raise a family. </div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigIF9wuK0tt2oujZ_daVyz109FykTBF3J6BlvEl1uhdEZ3sfZIC2EZEx3K35vdNXEnurCzKb-3jKGtrw5fxZrYST3M1W5NCA1Nd2i7nBMuk83MX6E5n_zCHiUW6QbCY8Rmqxpa1rqOJoM/s1600/251186_10150207311707252_510102251_7437965_6657116_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigIF9wuK0tt2oujZ_daVyz109FykTBF3J6BlvEl1uhdEZ3sfZIC2EZEx3K35vdNXEnurCzKb-3jKGtrw5fxZrYST3M1W5NCA1Nd2i7nBMuk83MX6E5n_zCHiUW6QbCY8Rmqxpa1rqOJoM/s320/251186_10150207311707252_510102251_7437965_6657116_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border: currentColor;"><br />
</div><div style="border: currentColor;">I learned from the past, I have fun in the present and I dream of my future!</div><div class="separator" style="border: currentColor; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDLxtsEMwvG4xUF_7PAglMyUqhUc8DkFbc6lGtJs5vrZTIDH6FUKFOll_iiehPp3jrmN1EzoBfpKNZcr7Otyf57oVhEYOjdW6km2h1D58XTWEE9m6OytpK92GCHtxJZ2-OPMCSu4e6zMo/s1600/302639_281986998500891_100000687781366_878656_1610078310_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDLxtsEMwvG4xUF_7PAglMyUqhUc8DkFbc6lGtJs5vrZTIDH6FUKFOll_iiehPp3jrmN1EzoBfpKNZcr7Otyf57oVhEYOjdW6km2h1D58XTWEE9m6OytpK92GCHtxJZ2-OPMCSu4e6zMo/s200/302639_281986998500891_100000687781366_878656_1610078310_n.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border: currentColor; clear: both; text-align: center;">Hi I am Jenn......</div><div class="separator" style="border: currentColor; clear: both; text-align: center;">This was the real me</div><div class="separator" style="border: currentColor; clear: both; text-align: center;">It is a pleasure to meet you!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt5w9BiM0ldHgy2Hj8MKY-prva837KPNjTZOOMN5F2gOqq93Ma-IQY1UqDJguiesVqKl33nnvcOcW8oeiOKnAHvNcVZznZEl9sgKCa24ZbedHfiapwaYrNWCYusFwXkysPX1GPd4sORmA/s1600/224531_10150262070827252_510102251_7950087_5894815_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt5w9BiM0ldHgy2Hj8MKY-prva837KPNjTZOOMN5F2gOqq93Ma-IQY1UqDJguiesVqKl33nnvcOcW8oeiOKnAHvNcVZznZEl9sgKCa24ZbedHfiapwaYrNWCYusFwXkysPX1GPd4sORmA/s200/224531_10150262070827252_510102251_7950087_5894815_n.jpg" width="191" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border: currentColor; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-30148777251647375012011-11-08T10:50:00.000-08:002011-11-08T10:50:01.221-08:00WHO KNEW HE WAS MY KRYPTONITETHIS SUPERGIRL HAS FALLEN RATHER ILL.<br />
the stress of letting go of an amazing best friend, the guy I am so in love with, The guy who would never feel the same, the guy who was always there for me and could always make me smile when the clouds of sadness were rolling in, the guy who would straighten me out when I was heading down the wrong path. <br />
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Yes he is my kryptonite, whether I stay his friend and endure the pain of being in love with someone whom I can never be with, or I endure the pain of letting go of my best friend. This kryptonite has left me week and ill... physically anad mentally drained. I have been pushing through pretending that I am OK... but its all catchin up with me... This Supergirl has fallen so hard that my physical self is weak and has fallen ill.<br />
<br />
I pray I can overcome this kyrptonite and come out a stronger more powerful young woman!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-79393643370430355932011-11-07T11:32:00.000-08:002011-11-07T11:33:01.465-08:00SINKING SOUL BROKEN HEARTWell that was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life.. one week ago I told my best friend that it was time to part ways. It took everything I had to tell him. I know that my love for him will not change, and I know that it was not a healthy relationship pretending that we were ok. I know that we would never be together I know that would only be friends, I wasnt dilussional I just fell in love with him despite his flaws cuz i even fell in love with those...Lol.... The heartache of being his friend, however has been eating away at me for awhile. Its like being allergic to your favorite food and keeping it in the fridge where you see it everyday, haunting you, taunting you, but you can never have it.. the decision needed to be made, and hopefully it was the right decision. I am not handling my own decision very well, however, I feel as though my soul is sinking into a dark hole and I shattered my own heart into a million pieces. Im just glad that I am good at puzzles but I am starting to wonder that in making this decision did I lose a piece of my heart? only time will tell where the roads will go, and what will be waiting when we get there. I will, for now, move forward in life knowing how amazing I am and knowing what he is missing out on, I will carry on and lean on my faith in God to carry me through this difficult time. I will prepare my self for te amazing future I know awaits me. I will always love and care for him, I will never forget all the amazing time we spent together, I will never forget how much he helped me and all the hard times he was there for me. I just wish there was another way but my love for him is making me crazy and jealous, and its not healthy... I will miss him greatly, I feel like I died in side the day I said goodbye.. but i guess I am getting a few great songs out of it... farewell my friend, I Love you with all my heart and soul. I know you prolly wont read this but by the slight chance you. Im sorry I fell in Love with you... <br />
This will just make me stronger... I will overcome and survive...<br />
I will be ok again!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-52100384166243730812011-11-01T11:17:00.000-07:002011-11-01T13:05:41.247-07:00GoOdByE HuRtS LiKe HeLlThere comes a time when we must part ways with the ones we love most. Whether that be through death, moving, or a hard decision. i think saying goodbye to someone who dies is easier then saying goodbye to someone who is still around just because you made the decision to part ways it wasnt made for you, and that person is still around and you may run into them... it happens and those moments will be handled when and if they occur<br />
<br />
There comes a time in life when Hard decision need to be made no matter how much they hurt. sometimes saying goodbye is the only choice we are left with in certain situations. Being in love with someone who doesnt love you back hurts like hell, but add to that the fact that they are your closest friend and the one who you could always depend on, the one who made your day that much better, the one who you look forward to spending time with despite the feelings you have for them, the one person who could make you smile on your worst day, and the one who for them you were willing to go through hell to remain their friend, to push those feelings away in order to sustain a friendship that meant everything to you, makes it that much harder. The decision to finally part ways and try and move forward has been tough, The breaking point finally arrived and a decision needed to be made, it has finally come the time to break ties with the one person who was one of the most important and constant friendships i have had in my lfe. I weighed the options and finally the conclusion was it would be better for both parties to move on and part way. the anxiety of having to tell my best friend that it was over that our friendship could no longer overcome the tension that I created with the love I had for him was overwhelming, but I was not prepared for the response... I felt like the most horrible person in the world the night I ended my most important friendship I felt like garbage. I felt as though I had jsut done the worst thing in the world to this person. <br />
<br />
I did not ask to fall in love with this person despite his flaws, I did not ask to become close to this person, it just happened, I have tried to analyze why I love him so much and why I loved him for his flaws. I never did figure that one out. I was never dilussional I knew we would always be only be friends. I loved you first as my best friend... I dealt with the other feelings.... <br />
<br />
So I ended it, but why do I feel so horrible, the pain in my heart is the worst yet, my soul is breaking as my heart does, the tears wont stop, I struggled all halloween day to put up a happy face just to be ok, but when the end of the night came the overwhelming grief of loss hit me like a nuclear bomb, its a struggle that I dont know if I can win, the struggle between the love in my heart and the enmotions fighting the logical reasoning of my brain...<br />
<br />
I need to win this fight and bring my logic and emotions together to join my heart and head in the same fight... I need to move forward into my future, becoming the Daughter of God I know I can be and that I really want to be. To become worthy for the blessings of my Heavenly Father.<br />
<br />
The tears fall onto my keyboard as I type out my feelings on this blistery, windy first day of November 2011... but its ok because<br />
GOODBYE HURTS LIKE HELL<br />
<br />
I still Love you.<br />
<br />
goodbye my friend.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWW3jne1hczkGKZGFHyzMddWsRp_s_PuN-nzFKFHQYOEQ4SfUTf-cIpjt4y-L6BXM1lHIo7wBY1PtKModJNJLzoaBYqkGzZlDhGn1pY3Jz3rewTiG8Q5jf_zLmDw_mmd2VhGaS1By72EU/s1600/260157_10150214293197252_510102251_7508259_5675907_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" ida="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWW3jne1hczkGKZGFHyzMddWsRp_s_PuN-nzFKFHQYOEQ4SfUTf-cIpjt4y-L6BXM1lHIo7wBY1PtKModJNJLzoaBYqkGzZlDhGn1pY3Jz3rewTiG8Q5jf_zLmDw_mmd2VhGaS1By72EU/s320/260157_10150214293197252_510102251_7508259_5675907_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSbysIUvCuDkAgr3RrieqdoGSUbUrUPw8mEeSkplWA8YEkiowE7ZwAudvNlfgpasAHmeG4IeWKHo2bEacNVzMemA3xvpcGyMrHoAJHUO8iV-Q9njl2pPXu_uzAbfP2QMjCWRFuD0IKwH8/s1600/n510102251_1842945_6508451.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" ida="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSbysIUvCuDkAgr3RrieqdoGSUbUrUPw8mEeSkplWA8YEkiowE7ZwAudvNlfgpasAHmeG4IeWKHo2bEacNVzMemA3xvpcGyMrHoAJHUO8iV-Q9njl2pPXu_uzAbfP2QMjCWRFuD0IKwH8/s320/n510102251_1842945_6508451.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-91597952890076011732011-10-25T21:15:00.001-07:002012-04-19T03:10:05.190-07:00echos in the caverns of my mindjust like the music that plays nonstop inside my head. Your voice haunts me with every breathe I take. I remeber every footstep tread. I hold on for my hearts sake. The endless love I have for you. will it ever go away. I ask myself what to do. but my heart has nothing to say. Its breaking slowly, a little more every day. every time i see your face. I want to run away. and leave forever without a trace. our friendship means the world to me. but i ponder if i can take it anymore. knowing we can never be. hurts and kills me to my core.
My tortured soul cries for you. but i can never let it show. there is nothing i can do. but to let you go.
It's funny how society shapes our perceptions and our lives. I live in a world that tells me I'm a cow... I'm fat. And because of that Im not good enough to date. I know guys are visual creations its all about how skinny is she boobs butt whatever but few want to date a fatty. Seriously.
The thoughts that run thru my head echo thru my soul and puncture my heart. I will never be that girl... I will never be good enough, skinny enough, have the right butt or whatever. Well I am beautiful I know this but still not to society standards of acceptable. You would never have given me a Chance. It's a sad sick reality but it happens
The echoes in the cavern of my mind remind me that the love I have is just not strong enough. It's the pain of living. And growing. It's time to change try to be a new.person. try and time to be confident in myself. And so thru the.echo I hear let's conquer the world.Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-82682143681332985402011-10-24T10:15:00.000-07:002011-10-24T10:34:00.678-07:00The nightmares of reality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLxDdEzw9wG7XF-zyhLwJFWEJPbDiyXBLlsa9D1p0AvtdfPD-dpFhBAiMyjA6Nn3aAiI-ZYUBIqtIdIfa09ApH9mDNlh_Tb1plHCeSXJn6ZYuJs7sMToFqRz11G7ycQ9wK07DiYuihzlg/s1600/16532_170877997251_510102251_3026109_7562981_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" rda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLxDdEzw9wG7XF-zyhLwJFWEJPbDiyXBLlsa9D1p0AvtdfPD-dpFhBAiMyjA6Nn3aAiI-ZYUBIqtIdIfa09ApH9mDNlh_Tb1plHCeSXJn6ZYuJs7sMToFqRz11G7ycQ9wK07DiYuihzlg/s200/16532_170877997251_510102251_3026109_7562981_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">As the night falls I find myself falling into a state of peaceless rest. The turning of a clear night sky into a cloudy grey night. I find my eyes focus through the darkness and see a face. searching for a reason as to the dreary change of the night. I can remeber a time when a sunny bright day when the sun would reflect off my glowing hair would turn into a night that was still and peaceful, when there were no clouds, when the stars smiled down upon me and the moonlight danced across my skin. alas those days have dissapeared and now all there is is darkness. I try hard to remeber those times to pray and plead for the sun and moonlight to come back to me once again, for the clouds to leave. I find myself crying as the fear creeps up my spine as I stand in a place unknown to my soul and heart. as I look your face is there in the distance obscured by the darkness, you haunt me. I am alone and stuck unable to move paralyzed by fear that I will lose my way if I move, but I fear if I dont move I will forever be stuck in this darkness that has engulfed me in its arms. I reach for your hand but you taunt me, pretending that you are there, reaching back but always keeping just out of reach, your smile is comforting but at the same time it kills me, because I have no smile left in my own eyes. there are times when you dissapear and I think maybe you are gone forever, finally decided to leave me and forget about me, but you always come back, there at the edge of the view in this darkness, I know you, you are someone I love, someone I can never let go of, someone that I will never forget, your face, your smile, your sarcasm, your laugh, but mostly your strong masculine voice, I hear you speak, but I am not listening, my head is wrapped around the sinking feeling in my soul, I kneel in hopes you will just come rescue me or put me out of my misery once and for all. My heart beats to the sound of the music that ringes through my head but how long before the music dies and my heart stops beating. I feel a hand someone else has come into this place, someone who sits next to me and listens to the music in my head, comforts my fearful soul, his hand graces my face with its touch, the palms of a cold hand, I shiver as the cold sweeps down across my neck and to my shoulder. I shutter under the heaviness the touch brings to my soul, the touch becomes harder. the face at the edge of the darkness is gone... where did you go why did you leave me!... the man who sits here with me now as I feel abandoned, his eyes are dark and empty, i try to move but his hand on my shoulder hold me I am caught up in the emptiness of his gaze wondering where it goes, I am mesmerized by this new sensation, but the weight of his hand on me begins to make me fall, i try to hold myself up right but I cant i fall back into the mud, I scream not knowing what to do... I see a flash of light from the distance, it grows closer and brighter, the man is distractd by the light that is coming to save me I can hear them call my name, the man loosens his grip and I run toward the light if only for a moment i reach the edge of the light and am comforted but for a moment, then a hand reaches for my and holds it tight as the light slowly departs from my feet and the darkness grows I focus on the light but the hand i am holding is warm and comforting, I turn to see a captivating face, something interesting and mesmerizing about his smile, the touch of his warm habd is strong and comforting, I never want to let go, but there is something in his eyes, there is a light but it is dim, and as he speaks there is a hint of danger radiating from the words, I look past and see the face at the edge of the darkness again just watching, I smile knowing you are still out there somewhere, my heart stops to see you frown, the warm hand lets go and I am jolted back to the man in front of me, his engulfs me in his strong warm arms, ambraced by him I feel his heart beat strong and sturdy, it comforts me and i sink into his chest and rest for but a moment, he pushes me away and leaves, I drop to my knees wondering why, I then see you come closer, closer then ever before you put your hand on my shoulder and then take me into an embrace, you soothe my soul, you rest my heart, you elliviate the pain I feel, you stop the fear from taking over. you have been my steadfast comfort from letting go completley. Even now in your arms I cant help but know its only for a moment and soon you will be gone, you are not mine nor will your ever give me that kind of chance. I am done searching, I dont want to be lost in this darkness anymore. I hear a loud banging and my ears ring as the sound gets louder, i close my eyes and when I open them again I find myself in my bed, snuggled into my pillow not wanting to let go of the feeling of being in your arms, if only im my dreams, you will always be my heart, and you will always live in my soul. The reality of life sinks in and I sink back into the light of the sun outside my window, I sit up and gaze out teh window to the dew spakling on the grass still holding tight to my pillow, pondering the wonderful day God has made for us today, wondering what blessing he has in store, a magpie rests on the barbedwire fence and sings a earie song as a fox gracefully balances his way across the fence. the sun shines brighter but I just soak up its warmth and remeber that God loves me and if I let go of evrything else and turn to him the light will always be there, searching through the darkness to find his lost children. Even though the darkness is evrywhere he can bring us back into the light. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrhy7hlj5bgfemHuGllVKh_fP-PWrjPxAC8Pz6V8iQFiUCXm8P8WJzeOhqJoDIVNyW0QDrTjtAbBq_SwMp5E11oxBNSy7LiQnkCNr6zMsPWX_L8lqaoR3dGhu5jz5RoWoU5AdD_DbHRQo/s1600/268729_10150245097122252_510102251_7781481_4114549_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; height: 80px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; width: 97px;"><img border="0" height="150" rda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrhy7hlj5bgfemHuGllVKh_fP-PWrjPxAC8Pz6V8iQFiUCXm8P8WJzeOhqJoDIVNyW0QDrTjtAbBq_SwMp5E11oxBNSy7LiQnkCNr6zMsPWX_L8lqaoR3dGhu5jz5RoWoU5AdD_DbHRQo/s200/268729_10150245097122252_510102251_7781481_4114549_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I shutter at the thought of the visitors in my dream and remeber that one of them at least is my best friend, and even though I will always be in love with him and I wont always be able to be around him He will forever be the biggest part of my life, My hero when I wanted to die, and a pillar of strength who helped me in some of the hardest times, someone I used to laugh with, someone who used to make me smile (even though now he makes me sad), some one who i used to like to talk to for hours, someone who reminded me to remeber who I am, I know my feelings for him will never change now matter how much I try to change them. All I know is that I need to get back to who I am, to find my way out of this darkness and find my way back to the light.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">The nightmares of my sleeping world are my reality, they are the truth at the heart of my soul, my heart beats only to the music in my head. music is the water to my thirsty soul, a moment in time cant pass when the music isnt playing, If the music ever stopped I would lose my soul and heart, I hacve thought about pushing stop and just let it die, to let my heart stop beating, but I enjoy the music to much, I want to share it with the world, I will someday become the woman I need to be, SOMEDAY...</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">maybe.... </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">but how much more of a nightmare can one girl endure, how much fear, and sorrow and darkness can one girl endure in her lifetime.... before it becomes to much and she completely lets got and gives into the dark, and entirely forgets what the sunshine felt like, forgets how the stars shined, and forgets how the moonlight danced across her skin, how much until reality becomes a neverending nightmare...and the music becomes haunting...</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm1e7QvErePIWkzuzh_ImPyUSPc8A5MlzZkcYmhSrSJjYUEf7matJumPE_VTDR3eQ7XmjZANT-d2xzuZ3P_P_oSHpoPGZDXfpJuWndcsEyxW_rDit_dO3twVXdkDC72AIAAsK90UmV43c/s1600/8329_149037167251_510102251_2830819_3257530_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" rda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm1e7QvErePIWkzuzh_ImPyUSPc8A5MlzZkcYmhSrSJjYUEf7matJumPE_VTDR3eQ7XmjZANT-d2xzuZ3P_P_oSHpoPGZDXfpJuWndcsEyxW_rDit_dO3twVXdkDC72AIAAsK90UmV43c/s200/8329_149037167251_510102251_2830819_3257530_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiADhmaS95rkByXO9wxLIAXj-Q742OCc-A0V4ofc8iHQAqw9aoScU8KdiTJZFlGJkx5H1AFLgarDe9wtzAFXVRJray9tgfZe6vJ9GDMIw79Z1Dt9V_yi6q0KrEPfsut1NTZZDKohGZb4CA/s1600/9930_164092912251_510102251_2958514_3122206_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" rda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiADhmaS95rkByXO9wxLIAXj-Q742OCc-A0V4ofc8iHQAqw9aoScU8KdiTJZFlGJkx5H1AFLgarDe9wtzAFXVRJray9tgfZe6vJ9GDMIw79Z1Dt9V_yi6q0KrEPfsut1NTZZDKohGZb4CA/s200/9930_164092912251_510102251_2958514_3122206_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-40399168025337719252011-10-20T15:23:00.000-07:002011-10-20T15:23:19.042-07:00Jumped a track and its time to get back!Well it has been a year I am down 100 lbs and I have been on a bit of a break the last few months. I was exhausted and tired and needed time for myself. Like a train I jumped the track. and just like that train its gonna take some crazy effort to get back on. I am gonna need to push myself even harder for the next few months just so I can get down to a weight so that I can get my plastic surgery done! helping me get back on track like the crane that will left that train back up is the running club and training for a half marathon in March! I am super excited and looking forward to that finish line after 13 miles! I am enjoying running now and excited about what kind of doors will be opened to me once i complete my weight loss goals, ( cross the finish line) and get my surgery done... I am getting back on track in my spiritual life to I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and have been struggling withsome moral issues and now I am repenting and getting back on track, I am a full tithe payer and I am preparing myself to be temple worthy. I have started reading my scriptures and am learning to include heavenly father in my life decisions! blessing are everywhere in everything even our trials are blessing just got to remeber that and keep moving forward with gratitude. I am a derailed train slowly getting back up on the track and soon will be barreling down those tracks and into a great future!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-11986947210068320912011-10-01T21:48:00.000-07:002020-01-11T08:48:33.715-08:00The looking glass reflects the realities of lifeThere are moments in life when you look at certain aspects of life.<br />
I have been sitting here trying to figure things out. <br />
I have been pondering some interesting things, I mean ok, A guy and a girl can be amazing friends, trust each other, talk for hours, enjoy spending time together whether its going out and dancing, hanging out with friends, sitting and playing video games, or just sitting for hours and listening to music and nothing else.I find it funny how you can love everything about a person but still not love them or want to be "with" them. <br />
stopping to look into the looking glass the reality sets in, our society has placed SOOO much emphasis on the way we look. Looking into the mirror I find myself scrutinizing everything, I find myself dwelling on how much more weight I need to lose and not on how much I have achieved already. <br />
<br />
I look and think how many girls are in my same situation being in love with someone they will never bne with. <br />
<br />
I sit and ponder this: why is that a girl can be a guys best friend and he talks about what he wants in a girl, someone he can talk to and laugh with, someone that is adventurous and like to be outdoors, someone who wears their makeup a certain way or dresses and certain way or even will sit and listen to music or play video games for hours. BUT... even though you and him to that all the time and his "girl" has all the same attributes you have, He wont choose you, you have everything he is looking for EXCEPT: how you look. <br />
<br />
as i peer into the looking glass everyday that reality reflects back to me... that I have all the qualifications he wants in a girl, BUT... becuz I am not that skinny "HOT" girl he is looking for he doesnt want to actually be in a relationship with me. looking at myself all I can do is think that Im not good enough and that takes me back to dwelling on what I need to lose... what I need to change... makes up some lame excuses... OMG! really... but I have to give him credit for at least being upfront and honest about it right.... <br />
<br />
I try to focus on me, I know who I am, I have my identity , but I have one big piece of clutter still left in my life... The clutter that I am never gonna be good enough until I am skinny, until I become that "hot" girl, that perfect girl, that one that he wants.... <br />
<br />
The one that most guys want, being raised in a society where looks are the basis of a relationship, and even when you get to know a person and they have all the personality qualities you are looking for you still dont accept them beacause they may be overweight... <br />
<br />
so when i peer into the looking glass the reality that has been reflecting to me the past few weeks is that I have a long way to go before being accepted, before I will be close enough to even think you may look at me different. I have loved you long enough, I owe you the world for showing me my heart again. <br />
<br />
I will say this I am tired of the shallowness and superficialness that I am surrounded by, being a girl in my position being in love with someone who will never love her back is devestating and lonely... it sucks and I cant take it anymoreSuperwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-82799109820952401042011-09-26T12:10:00.000-07:002011-09-26T12:10:33.250-07:00TWO STONES ONE BIG STAINED GLASS LIFElife can be as fragile as a stained glass window at times. Think about it we work through life picking out the good times and keeping them to get us through adding these beautiful pieces to our window and when one breaks or the piece doesnt fit we set it aside and continue on to the next piec in order to complete the big picture that the window should become, like and image of christ, modeling our lifes so that each piece in the end will come as close to a resemblence of the christs life was. we may not always have the exact pieces but they can come close. and at times we may lose some pieces and have to search for them. Then when we finally get it done things are looking great and we put the window out on display to share with the world and set an example, working hard to protect it from the bumps in the road as we transport it place to place just to arrive at a destination. a destination we think is safe somewhere we are comfortable, and feel safe and then out of no where two rocks fly out of nowhere and shatter all the hard work you have put into your beautiful window (life) those rocks can represent anything (alcohol, immorality, cussing, drama, gossip, or anything really) its those times when you look at the hard work shattered on the floor with only a little of the window left still clinging on to the frame, and this isnt the first time, everytime you take your window out it gets shattered. <br />
<br />
this to me is like life, people overexaggerate things that were said, friends talk about friends behind their backs yet when caught deny it to their face. friends leave other friends out, feelings get hurt, things get blown out of proportion, people make other people feel stupid, fake or inadequate, feelings get hurt, people give into temptations and allow their inhibitions go, regret sets in afterwards and can eat away at a persons soul, people let the words and actions of others bring them down, stress them out and build up inside with a feeling of worthlessness. some people relapse to hurting themselves to feel better, whether they hurt themselves mentally or physically its still damaging.<br />
<br />
hearing "your fat" or being rejected or judged because you are overweight takes its toll over time, leads to eating disorders and other addictions to heal from the pain that is caused. people in need of a release form overwhelming pain will turn to other things that will hurt worse and just cause more pain in the end I know from expeirence.<br />
<br />
I talked to an old friend today who gave me some good advice and really uplifted my spirits from the Drama that is going on and from the pain and stress I have been dealing with the last couple months. he said to me " dont let the actions and words of others dictate how you feel about yourself, you are who you are and ou my dear are a beautiful smart daughter of god." we talked awhile and we discussed how hearing that you are no good enough, not pretty enough or not skinny enough can take its toll on a person and it was nice to hear (from a guy) " that you are smart enough, and you are beautiful thats for sure..." it was a little sunshine in a day that started out with clouds, fog, thunder lightning, a hurricane, a tornado, a few eathquakes, and a wildfire. Im glad I was able to have a conversation with someone who lives no where near here, and who always has positivity and love. I am grateful for heavenly father for giving me that sunshine today. he also bore his testimony of the church to me and helped me to realize that all I really need in life is my testimony and my faith, and everything else will fall into place as it should, I vow from this day forward to work my hardest to stay true to my faith, read my scriptures and follow the doctrines and the holy spirit. <br />
<br />
I believe that everytime someone throws a rock through our beautiful stained glass windows of life, everytime we put forth the effort to rebuild it we make it that much stronger so that each time a rock is thrown again less and less of the window breaks and it is easier to fix/mend each time, unti leventually we will have built our windows (lives) so strong that nothing will be able to break it and it will last on into eternity with us!<br />
<br />
I love you all<br />
I know the LDS church is true<br />
I know the scriptures can help guide us through the trials (blessings) in life<br />
I know that we become stronger everytime we fall and get back up <br />
I have a testimony of the greatness of the atonement of christ<br />
I know heavenly father knows each of us individually and loves us all personally<br />
in jesus name<br />
AMEN!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-46439984842218215522011-09-15T15:29:00.000-07:002011-09-15T15:29:27.169-07:00as the white owl flies at nightSo I decided to update my blog and lately I have seriously been dwelling on one thing. I have been Engrossed in White Owls and their symbolism. <br />
<br />
Let me explain. Every night as I am driving no matter where I am A white owl flies along with my car and then takes off. This has been going on for a long time. I have encountered White owls my entire life Even when I am out walking at night I have seen white owls. So I decided to study them and their symbolism in different cultures.<br />
<br />
Greeks, Romans, and Celts used the White Owl as symbol of:<br />
<br />
Psychic Powers<br />
Spirituality<br />
The Angel of Death<br />
The "Goddess" of night<br />
Asian and European cultures used the Owl as a <span class="yshortcuts cs4-visible" id="lw_1316123381_1"><span style="color: #366388;">symbol of Wisdom</span></span> and spiritualism.<br />
I also found some interesting connections: My name Jennifer is derived from the ancient name Guinnevere and I tied that to King Arthur's <span class="yshortcuts cs4-visible" id="lw_1316123381_2"><span style="color: #366388;">Queen Guinnevere</span></span>'s name = "White Shadow" - Her symbol was the White Owl. I found that fanscinating<br />
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I have also found that a white owl is the messenger of death in alot of cultures which is a little scary since i see them every night.<br />
<br />
I have also found another interesting point that in African culture the Owl Represents Wizardry and or witchcraft.<br />
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The white owl does not scare me I have come to adopt it as my spirit animal as my dear friend. I will always keep white owls close to my heart. They are wise beautifu land majestic. <br />
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If you have heard anything interesting about white owls let me know add a comment below...Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-67606693075786958542011-07-27T11:55:00.000-07:002011-07-27T11:55:06.857-07:00Tommorow will be a better day and the sun will shine<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Recently I had a discussion with a guy who had become one of my best friends, we had bceome really really close. My mistake is that I fell for him, not at first but after the first time we kissed I fell for him, I told him how I felt but decided we would jsut be friends. I was ok with that, I slowly got over liking him, but... then it that all changed, we made out adn i was like well what the heck, you dont make out with your "friends", I thought ok maybe this was just a one time thing caught up in the moment thing, but it happened 2 more times after that, and holding hands like we did was not something "friends" do, I was confused at what was going on, asked myself "what are we doing?" "what are we?" so I decided to find out, well yeah stepped in a pile of crap on that one, he made me feel like it was my fault, I think i remeber it being said that he believed what we were doing was wrong and he was just going along with me... WTF is that.... Whatever, the only thing that matters is that I love myself, I think thats what makes this time harder, because I have found respect and love for myself and thought that maybe just someone else did too, like me as more than a friend, I Love myself and to let myself get hurt was a mistake I should have prepared for. BUT... at least I am learning lessons, I was told that every trial and every breakdown we have in life is a new begining a time to start new and begin with a clean slate. My best friend of the last what i think 6 yrs told me last night that its time to stop trying to help everyone else and to help myself and focus on me, So I know he is right and its time for me to refocus and not lose sight of my goals. He also told me that I need to figure out what i want in life and figure out how to get it, well I thought about it, and the one thing i want I know i can never have, but career wise my dreams and goals of becoming a Singer will come true, I will make the sacrifices that are needed to become the one thing I have only dreamed of being. I realized this morning as I looked at before and after photos from last year to this year That I am freakin hot! I mean I look amazing, and After i reach my final goal weight and get some palstic surgery done in January Watch out is all I have to say. the funny thing is, even though Im still in love with my best friend, I am learning to live with it and make it something different, I am going to allow myself to leave my comfort zone, I am gonna get out and see the world, I read some of the book of mormon this morning and read about temples and realize that I do still have a testimony, I know that the my choice of being LDS was the right one, I know that the church is true and that I am more able to cope with things being a member and having something to believe in, I Do BELIEVE with all my heart, Change is coming and its for the better! </div><div style="text-align: center;">in the words of Dolly Parton</div><div style="text-align: center;">NOW WE DONT KNOW WHAT HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE</div><div style="text-align: center;">BUT WEVE SEEN ENOUGH HELL RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW</div><div style="text-align: center;">BUT WHEN THE ROAD IS THE ROUGHEST</div><div style="text-align: center;">AND THE PROBLEMS ARE THE TOUGHEST</div><div style="text-align: center;">OR WHEN THE TIMES ARE THE HARDEST</div><div style="text-align: center;">AND THAT OLE SKY IS THE DARKEST</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">YOU GOTTA KEEP THE FAITH CUZ I BELIEVE THERES A BETTER DAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">AND THOSE OL BLUES WHY THERE JUS GONNA ROLL RIGHT ON AWAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">I KNOW THEY ARE LISTEN TO ME</div><div style="text-align: center;">ALL THATS BLUE AINT SKY AND SEA</div><div style="text-align: center;">SOME OF THAT BLUES BOUND TO GET ON ME</div><div style="text-align: center;">BUT THE BLUES DONT COME TO STAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">THEYLL MOVE AWAY ON A BETTER DAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">TROUBLES AND WOES AND MISERY</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">AINT GONNA GET THE BEST OF ME</div><div style="text-align: center;">LIFT THE SHADES FIX MY GAZE</div><div style="text-align: center;">ON A BETTER DAY CLEAR AWAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED</div><div style="text-align: center;">WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD</div><div style="text-align: center;">THERES A BETTER WAY THERES A BRIGHTER DAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">OH THERES A BETTER DAY WITH CLEARER SKIES</div><div style="text-align: center;">HOPE AND PROMIS ON THE RISE</div><div style="text-align: center;">OH THE FUTURE WELL ITS LOOKIN BRIGHT ON A BETTER DAY</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">THERES A BETTER DAY</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD</div><div style="text-align: center;">WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED</div><div style="text-align: center;">WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD</div><div style="text-align: center;">THERES A BETTER DAY THERES A BETTER DAY</div><div style="text-align: center;">OH ALL THATS BLUE IT AINT SKY AND SEA</div><div style="text-align: center;">SOME OF THAT BLUES GONNA FALL ON ME</div><div style="text-align: center;">OH THE FUTURES LOOKIN BRIGHT</div><div style="text-align: center;">THERES A BETTER DAY LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2E48Cupkx_YBf2p32p3QkpM8PSwS-EgrH5auPvkba6VrqFKDaLoqufZjc95mv2JfFWh8x_WflOjwImwicluwOVqR-GG0591IewayLFDRLzFp9qhFk5HYVqrHKtQHoaAyq-HNdHHcge3Q/s1600/0619011956.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2E48Cupkx_YBf2p32p3QkpM8PSwS-EgrH5auPvkba6VrqFKDaLoqufZjc95mv2JfFWh8x_WflOjwImwicluwOVqR-GG0591IewayLFDRLzFp9qhFk5HYVqrHKtQHoaAyq-HNdHHcge3Q/s200/0619011956.jpg" t$="true" width="200" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">THANKS DOLLY FOR THIS SONG</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">THANKS TO MY BEST FRIEND <3</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">THANKS TO HEAVENLY FATHER FOR BEING THERE AND LOVING ME EVEN AFTER I STRAY FROM THE PATH.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I AM THANKFUL FOR REPENTANCE AND THE ATONEMENT OF CHRIST</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">ITS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD, ONWARD, AND UP WARD, TIME TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS AND RIDE IT TILL IT BREAKS, I WILL ACCOMPLISH EVERYTHING I SET FORTH TO DO AND I WILL SHOW EVERYONE THAT I AM NOT A FORCE TO MESS WITH</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I AM AN AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, LOYAL, GENUINE, ENCOURAGING, LOVING, CARING, DEVOTED, DEDICATED, SUPPORTING, HUMOROUS, ADVENTUROUS, SPONTANEOUS, LOCQUACIOUS, ENERGETIC, MUSICAL, ROMANTIC, SEXY YOUNG WOMAN</div><div style="text-align: center;">WHO WILL NOW NOT LET ANYTHING STOP HER!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijfAOAbeJ5eqbfsFUaVhk_5Znv8Em_VwMKYr0lBFYWPaZHLNzzt9vqVMy6MWqzB2baU03XowMLDTx0kQ_HBxhFtpRf7VUbDQflpZKL6ui6K9Kg41zLx1vmdmtnQPKDC1dOxO3lNC60-dk/s1600/208308_10150165926297252_510102251_7063798_2217528_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijfAOAbeJ5eqbfsFUaVhk_5Znv8Em_VwMKYr0lBFYWPaZHLNzzt9vqVMy6MWqzB2baU03XowMLDTx0kQ_HBxhFtpRf7VUbDQflpZKL6ui6K9Kg41zLx1vmdmtnQPKDC1dOxO3lNC60-dk/s320/208308_10150165926297252_510102251_7063798_2217528_n.jpg" t$="true" width="191" /></a></div><br />
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</div>Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-71842998269453573592011-07-24T14:48:00.000-07:002011-07-24T14:48:26.876-07:00Summer time heartbreak and concert tourSO wow! this summer has started of very interesting! but I am having a blast even amidst dealing with an oncoming broken heart that I see will soon be happening.... Its just hard when that heartbreak is gonna come from one of your best friends, but it is my fault, I had to go and spend so much time with this guy and start having feelings for him but what did I expect when you hold hands, kiss and wake up next to each other. I just wish I hadnt let myself go, Ill just keep reminding myself that I dont want history to repeat itself! That and still being in love with the guy who has been my best friend for the last what 6 years or something. but looking into the future I know there is so much greatness ahead of me that I wont let myself get down and I gotta keep treking onward! This summer has so far been full of awesomeness. I won a 100 year pass to the stanislaus county fair so i went to the concerts I saw Clint Black, Clay Walker, Joan Jett and last night I got to see Heidi newfield and Joe Nichols! man Joe Nichols is SOOOO HOT... I got a guitar pick from him... he is one hot singer!!!! Tonight I am going to the Dolly Parton Concert in Concord! Im super excited, Im hoping I can somehow get backstage! It has been my life long dream to meet her and I hope that someday that dream will come true! I look forward to the res tof the summer, More cocnerts, Hot August Nights in Reno, Las Vegas, Maybe a Cruise, Camping at the lake, Wave runners and maybe just maybe I will find someone who will love me back instead of me just loving them... Plus I will be getting closer to my weightloss goasl and preparing for my future! maybe even get a house. <br />
here is a before and after picture...<br />
July 2010- July 2011<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKZjkxnz11CgvQlzvWkyXRuIknQOJPVyKM-fE7bgrqE6_T-8MfeuCQFzctiUrCBaEoxw4fx79d13uZ9mntZmG3o_yx8rMfyUZbHlAEdDGjv0EwcEVVLSOZ3JkFXB_N6IFT5FkJzpulvwM/s1600/250192_10150254165232252_510102251_7864124_5858785_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKZjkxnz11CgvQlzvWkyXRuIknQOJPVyKM-fE7bgrqE6_T-8MfeuCQFzctiUrCBaEoxw4fx79d13uZ9mntZmG3o_yx8rMfyUZbHlAEdDGjv0EwcEVVLSOZ3JkFXB_N6IFT5FkJzpulvwM/s320/250192_10150254165232252_510102251_7864124_5858785_n.jpg" t$="true" width="320" /></a></div>See you in my next blog! luv ya!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-30542490014337677212011-06-30T14:31:00.000-07:002011-06-30T14:31:24.609-07:00Living amogst the unicornsLife is such a funny thing sometimes, but Boy am i glad to have had every experience good and bad. all experiences are blessings, Trials make us stronger and the good times remind us that there is something more to this life! I look and realize that each one of us is unique we all have special gifts and talents to share with the world. <br />
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Life has been really hard for me Lately I look and feel like im living in a world of uinicorns, surrounded by beautiful thin woman, and handsome sexy men, looks I have dreamed about, features I want to see in myself, But I can never live up to the social expectations of becoming a unicorn, for one reason! THEY DONT EXIST! No one on this earth is perfect, everyone is flawed in some way. I met the most beautiful girl the other day, She was a model for a high end fashion magazine and books many shows and has even posed in playboy. She was beautiful, perfect body (plastic surgery) perfect hair ( dyed ) and pefect clothes (debt) BUT she had no personality she was rude, stuck up, didnt care about anyone else, and had no morals or standards, the attitude that she was better than everyone and people should worship her, WELL hunny guess what, She became UGLY to me after that. If being beautiful and accepted by society and being loved means, becoming a fake, plastic, barbie doll who has major credit card debt well screw that.<br />
<br />
I will take being myself, a loving, caring, loyal, talented, amazing, dedicated, friendly, spontanious, adventurous, exciting, musical, charitable, amazingly awesome, average girl I am now. I have the most amazing personality and amazing talent to share with the world. <br />
<br />
I dont need to be a perfect to be a unicorn. beacause I am beautiful and I am majestic, dag nabbit I am a unicorn... I am unique and proud of it. <br />
<br />
I just finished my first single call Dont be afraid to love me, and I dedicated it to all thos guys who rejected me because I wasnt thin enough or model enough for them, I need a real man anyways who can be kind, caring, sing, and is strong enough to love me, I dont think any of the guys I know are good enough for me, I need someone who is amazing. SOMEDAY. but my first single is dedicated to those who would not even given me a chance and judged this book on its cover. cuz by the end of the year they are gonna SO REGRET IT!!! :) sorry y'all missed out if you are reading this and you will know who you are... <br />
<br />
oh and p.s. I hate that im still head over heels in love with him... GRR will it ever go away!! hahahaSuperwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-76147922178579600982011-06-01T23:11:00.000-07:002011-06-01T23:11:35.789-07:00Flying to the moon lyric to lyricI remeber when we first started talking, you sent me a link to a youtube video, The song was Just a dream, I listened to that song and ever since that one song Music has been a connection.Why I decided to hang out with you in the first place I will never know, your not the kind of person I usually would want to associate with especially based on my history. I did it anyways, maybe I cared to much because I knew you didnt really have anyone, maybe my heart felt for you and I never want anyone to feel alone. We hung out all the time, listening to music till the late hours, sitting by the fire, or hitting up karaoke. It was nice to have someone want to hang out with me, It was nice to have someone to accompany me to go to Karaoke. We texted each other all the time, I enjoyed the randomness, and the craziness that ensued between us. I enjoyed the late night video games, I enjoyed kissing you, I enjoyed holding hands, I enjoyed cuddleing, most of all I enjoyed just being with you, and the moments of just talking. You are so attractive and I made the mistake of falling for you, but lesson learned never kiss someone you are not dating because you may fall for them and they prolly wont... You flew me to the moon with songs and lyrics, it was written in the stars, Im addicted and i just cant get enough. Im not afraid of you, and that one night you flew me to the moon, you made me feel as if I were a woman, beautiful and wanted. but that all changed, slowly slipped away, return to earth, boring and lame, you changed, told me I was nobody, that I wasnt even a girl, you brought me back to reality, i guess I was hoping for too much, I thought maybe it was real, but you were just leading me on and playing with my heart, well I think I left a piece back on the moon, amongst all the lyrics and pictures we shared on our adventure of randomness.Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-66236071056138229512011-05-22T20:52:00.000-07:002011-05-22T20:52:59.041-07:00Fire uner your blogSitting around the Fire and Thinking about how much i wish he was here. Its sad how we find a connection with someone and it ends up being more pain then joy. That when you really want to be with someone you arent even given the chance... It sad how so many judge someone solely based on there looks and write them off as just nobody. Its sad how many times we walk through the fire to help someone out and they dont give you anything in return. walking that fire for that one person you like can become addicting, and hence you become addicted to that person and when your the only person in their life it turns out that even thought you give them so much they dont want you at all. they play with your heart and then take back everything they ever said and all the actions that ever took and throw them in the fire along with your emotions and even though you want to give them the world they dont want to take it, and even though you have the most to offer, and amazing, beautiful, talented, loyal, loving, dedicated person who has everything to offer no one wants it unless wrapped in the perfect little package... SCREW that and screw all those people who threw me into the fire, treated me as a passing ember, forget anyone who played and broke my heart!<br />
its your turn to walk the fire, Im already a pro so good luck catching me, when I am that perfect girl and you realize what you coul have had, it will be too late!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-71549138064155559662011-05-12T08:12:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:42:12.597-07:00New destinations of a buterfly<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">So I received a text message from a friend that said "lust of a butterfly". I looked at that and thought how fitting for the situation I am in. because this friend has become more to me than that, he knows I like him because I have told him, however like most of the male species he is Shallow, Vain, Egotistical, and superficial. I am so fed up with guys treating me as if i am not a girl, like im one of the boys, as if im nobody.... I dont know why, is it becuase I am not the hott girl they are looking for, that "unicorn" per say the girl that is skinny, and beautiful, (perfect)..... it sucks being me stuck in this body that was givin to me. For some reason I was meant to go thru life like this, I look back a see that for most of my childhood and on I have been overweight, dont know why, I have struggled with this my entire life, the issues surrounding it, the medical aspects, but there really is only one great explanation, I was meant to be up until now this way, to go thru the things I went thru, to become more sympathetic to others, to be more caring and loving, to understand what people are going thru that maybe in the future through my music and career I can uplift others and hep them thru the things they are going thru. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I have lost 110 lbs so far, Im close to my goal now 90 more to go.....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when i do reach my goal, will people act or treat me different , maybe... I wonder if you realize how many times a day i think about ( is the only reason he wont date me because Im a fat cow?) I think about that constantly.... I mean when you have a friendship and are close to someone, where you can talk about anything, you have complete trust in each other, you enjoy spending time with each other, you laugh and have fun, among other things.... so what is the problem.... i mean really, is that it, Im not "THAT GIRL" the one that is (HOT) in terms of todays societal expectation of what a woman should look like. I mean come on why do men have to be so stupid, Why cant they get past their own superficial and shallow brains and see that, they are missing out on an amazing, talented, accomplished, smart, adventurous, spontaneous, and beautiful woman. I have alot planned for the future and someday I will be able to share that with someone. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I look forward to the day when I reach my goals and look back to see that just maybe that little glimmer in the eyes of so many who broke my heart the thought that "HMMMM how did i not see that coming?"</div> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFR5jqBpchGWYT2Id-cyYg-_sDeeBhhcNVbj5YndwMiYvQ99XlE5V3eoCFBQsIFq-wNV0t3DMA6p8wvnQCj32DAPFShfsqzks3xE5AJDi9VnmU5aDz5riMqcwHVlHF1qq80XqiwQdJZJ0/s1600/268377db5ac4322b5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFR5jqBpchGWYT2Id-cyYg-_sDeeBhhcNVbj5YndwMiYvQ99XlE5V3eoCFBQsIFq-wNV0t3DMA6p8wvnQCj32DAPFShfsqzks3xE5AJDi9VnmU5aDz5riMqcwHVlHF1qq80XqiwQdJZJ0/s200/268377db5ac4322b5.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This will be me someday... I will reach my goals.... this is the day I look forward too...</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">all i have to say is looks come and go and fade with time, but the true beauty of a heart divine never ends" I have come to realize that my heart is loyal to those i love, My heart has an endless capacity for love and is just waiting to share that with someone who will give me a chance, someone who is man enough to not miss out on a rare oppurtunity. Just like a butterfly I am still a catapillar... but am building a cacoon and when I reach the end of this year I will emerge a butterfly, and when that happens there will be no stopping me!</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I wrote a poem based on this text message I received and I love it.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRuLMVzjsOCIuAv1cL9BkQ_N47hV6TRBB5xHnemn780bPhfTFvGP1TWPLohWDvkdLUnesvNJIBFGKL-GmUzTEfx_fq5dgEoPli34XF7DIeFWKYqhXvDiruAsH3Rgw3oc4zY9fbjiYk-BY/s1600/untitled.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; height: 146px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; width: 199px;"><img border="0" height="150" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRuLMVzjsOCIuAv1cL9BkQ_N47hV6TRBB5xHnemn780bPhfTFvGP1TWPLohWDvkdLUnesvNJIBFGKL-GmUzTEfx_fq5dgEoPli34XF7DIeFWKYqhXvDiruAsH3Rgw3oc4zY9fbjiYk-BY/s200/untitled.bmp" width="200" /></a>Flying through the sky</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">on the wings of a butterfly</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">i reach my hand out to you</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">dreaming you are reaching too</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">only to find you are gone</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">and all those dreams they were wrong</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">a broken heart will heal with time</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">a broken soul can heal with a rhyme</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">so i write these lyrics for my soul</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">in hopes that they will make me whole</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">you broke my heart</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">you tore me apart</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0FkRxeBTnxsE7B-Kja9A07IW8_kx627ZImQ5Cfgz3mcEzBLZSbz519Q8CezuyT536NeIdMhsEvtrkkGUHLqIVSioO_ASDOc_iYQBfjBa8YvT457GHfhOb2ic8WgbRRXaQrf-zfnMoBik/s1600/me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="114" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0FkRxeBTnxsE7B-Kja9A07IW8_kx627ZImQ5Cfgz3mcEzBLZSbz519Q8CezuyT536NeIdMhsEvtrkkGUHLqIVSioO_ASDOc_iYQBfjBa8YvT457GHfhOb2ic8WgbRRXaQrf-zfnMoBik/s200/me.jpg" width="200" /></a>but its nothing i cant repair</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">with a little tender loving care</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">so ill fly through the sky</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">with the lust of the butterfly</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgo1GYSHxvCqXpsDACatmbZQWoY99GypUYnYcQaPRYiKivNPzL0kABUx0vTcp6jPkyEdibpbDiArqSk_Ev06FGgBEKojVUaqqvQYTawMvhR73e5sS9qNP0vSpvFdlVKlVVRRdBNv1ZA38/s1600/215464_10150169190777252_510102251_7093453_6692472_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; height: 119px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; width: 123px;"><img border="0" height="200" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgo1GYSHxvCqXpsDACatmbZQWoY99GypUYnYcQaPRYiKivNPzL0kABUx0vTcp6jPkyEdibpbDiArqSk_Ev06FGgBEKojVUaqqvQYTawMvhR73e5sS9qNP0vSpvFdlVKlVVRRdBNv1ZA38/s200/215464_10150169190777252_510102251_7093453_6692472_n.jpg" width="173" /></a></div>Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-62206504872856516812011-04-11T14:32:00.000-07:002011-04-11T14:32:38.490-07:00Letter to my heartDear" Heart",<br />
<br />
I know you have recently been lead on and broken. I know that there is still something still tugging on your strings, but its time to let go so we can move on. It is time to cut the strings and mend yourself. I know you have many scars and I know that this pain just keeps getting worse each time. I feel the pain you feel "Heart". The emotional and physical attachment we had to him was strong but now that we know the truth and have been rejected we can move on and forward to our plans for the future. I know that the strings are hard to cut but we need to cut them and fall completely before I can help pick you up and start to heal. We cant let him keep pulling us back in to an endless circle of meaningless affections. We cant let ourselves be used to supply the attention that he is needing. Today is a new day and a day to move forward and let go of the pain that we should not have to endure. It is time to get rid of the confusion that he is giving and its time to stop letting him play games with you "Heart". I love you heart and without you I would be nothing. Heart you are so big, and you may care too much sometimes, but its time to let go, its our time to rise and be the amazing person we are. Its time to show the world that We are the most amazing girl they will ever meet, its time to hare our God given talents with the world and share our capacity to love with the world. "Heart" someday we will find the one that will Love us as much as we love them and it will be amazing and it will be for eternity. We deserve so much better than the guy playing games with you "Heart" and we will find him someday.<br />
<br />
I love you heart and I will mend you when your finished breaking. The pieces will be put back together soon.<br />
Love always<br />
ME.......Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-18780226755554690262011-04-05T18:40:00.000-07:002011-04-05T18:40:37.395-07:00a river of tears through a broken heartAs I sit and ponder the reality that strikes like a hammer to a nail, I realize that in moments like these, I need to remeber what is in store for the future and focus.<br />
<br />
As I sat crying as i drove down a dark country road I realized that no matter how many times I go through the same rejection It only gets harder and harder.<br />
<br />
As I sat and realized what had happened I wonder why this time it hurt so much worse than the others. Why did this time have to hurt me to my true core, is it because I thought there was something there? is it because of the things we shared? or is it because I gave my entire self to him, showed him the true authentic me, with no walls, no defense, nothing blocking my heart this time? was it because of the things I felt, the possibilities, the potential that was there? I dont know, all I know is that this time was different, maybe it was because I told him, I took that leap of faith before the feelings took control of me, or before anything else happened.<br />
<br />
I struggled to let myself open up so much for that moment. I laid my heart and soul out on the line. I knew wha the outcome would be, I knew it would only lead to the same thing that has been said every single time. I looked at that and did it anyway knowing that the words that I would hear, would be the same as i have heard from so many before. <br />
<br />
I know rejection It flows through my mind like the tears are flowing through my broken heart. <br />
Like a river of doubt I find myself questioning who I am, but I have to remeber who I am.<br />
<br />
I need to focus and remeber how amazing I am, How much I have to offer someone, I need to remeber the endless possibilities I have for myself. I need to remeber that I have a beautiful voice, Im a great cook, a good artist, I can work on cars, I have a great sense of human, give amazing back massages, im very smart, a quick learner, dedicated, loyal, caring, loving, helpful, and most of all I will love with every inch of myself to make the one i love happy<br />
<br />
I need to remeber that I am a hard worker and will accomplish the things that heavenly father needs me to. I will stand in holy places from now on to be sure I can follow his will. <br />
<br />
as the river of tears forever runs through my broken heart waiting for the day it will be mended I will push on with a steadfastness in my faith and remeber to hold my head up. Yes I will still cry and I may bake junk food cuz thats what I do when Im upset, but I will get over this rejection that hurt me so deep, and move forward and upward with my plansSuperwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8533621087450389019.post-32949616069120273002011-04-03T14:36:00.000-07:002011-04-03T14:36:30.673-07:00back on trackso keeping with the theme of my day I have come to realize I need to get back on track in my life.<br />
<br />
I am so happy with everything I have accomplished in these last two years and I am ready for the amazing future ahead.<br />
<br />
My train was derailed for a bit, but It is back on track, As I sat alone at the park today looking out over the water, watching the ducks, fish and birds, as I took in the beauty of the sunshine and felt the cool breeze run through my hair I felt Heavenly Fathers love surround me and tell me everything is going to be ok. <br />
<br />
I felt as though a peace filled my soul that I have not felt in a long time. I know he is there with me everyday, I know he loves me, but today It was stronger, I have felt as though I might have been losing myself but I realize now that I was just going through another test, I may have made mistakes on the way but I know that with Heavenly Fathers help and with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can be forgiven and find the tracks beneath my feet once again.<br />
<br />
As I sit here writing this in the sunshine I am filled with a warmth that as the cool breeze blows makes me feel so comfortable and so at peace with my self and with the world around me. I am Thankful for every expeirence I have ever had, and even more so I am thankful for every hurt I have ever had because without them I would not know the love and peace im feeling in this moment on this beautiful sundayafternoon.<br />
<br />
I have said this in a previous post, when you come to the fork in the road make your own path and keep going straight, but I want to add in order to find your way as you go straight, you need a compass and a guide, for em that will be Heavenly Father.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for everyone who has been there for me, everyone who supports me, and everyone who has ever hurt me without any of these in my life I would not have made it to this point and I would not be the person I am today. I would not have drive and determination, I would not be as caring and loving, I WOULD NOT BE THE AMAZING WOMAN I AM TODAY.<br />
<br />
farewell for today my readers I Love you all!Superwoman442http://www.blogger.com/profile/06289785584823099305noreply@blogger.com0