I have come to find that i am constantly in a struggle with myself.
an internal fight of good and evil.
its like there are two voices in my head on telling me that I can and that I am worth it.
but the other much stronger telling me that I dont deserve anything.
As i sit and write I have come to the decision I would like to share with you my readers the stuggle I go through everyday, and the thoughts that run through my head day to day. Its been a long process to make this decision but I think its time to share with my readers.
here are examples of the things that run through my mind day to day. I know there is no logic to them but the thoughts are still hard to fight when they are so loud and strong and day to day they change.
" You worthless excuse for a human why do you even try"
"you dont deserve to be pretty, you dont deserve to work out, you are ugly and that wont ever change, you should just eat until you die"
"you are an ugly pig, you should hide in a corner and never leave it"
"you cant do anything right, you will never accomplish anything your ugly piece of s#@&"
" you are untalented you should just give up now, you will never make a difference"
"you cant help anyone you are useless, no one likes you, they all hate you and laugh at you"
" why would you even think that guy would be interested in a fat cow like you, you gross ugly heffer!"
" quit, give up, your a loser and dont deserve to be happy"
" you need to be punished for being so ugly and fat"
"you cant work out your weak"
"You cant do that work out, your fat and disgusting so you shouldnt try you will always be that way nothing will change that"
as i write out the feelings in a journal I try and force myself to recognize the lies, but the stronger the evil (SHE) gets the harder "SHE" is to fight.
as as if I am at war inside myself.
A great friend gave me a book that is helping me to feel comfort to know and understand im not alone in this struggle, I am really enjoying the book and hope I can find a way to fight harder.
but right now I am trying to rely on my heavenly father for help but "SHE" tells me that its useless because I am beyond salvation, that I can never be fogiven, that I am a bad person who deserves to not be forgiven or helped.
I am trying to get my life back on track. I need to get back to reading my scriptures althought it is hard to focus i am reading more everyday.
I need to pray often for Heavenly Fathers Love and help, I know he is there but it gets hard sometimes.
although I struggle everyday I need to keep fighting, Endure to the end, and continue to help those who are in need.
I know I have a great adventure and plan for my future so I need to get ready and prepare.
thanks for reading, I just felt the need to share with you what I am going through to help you understand me just a little bit more.
I love you all and I am here if anyone needs anything.
Take care and remeber Heavenly Father loves you!
ENDURE TO THE END
Im gonna keep fighting this war as long as I have to... win or lose!
