Fire uner your blog

Sitting around the Fire and Thinking about how much i wish he was here. Its sad how we find a connection with someone and it ends up being more pain then joy. That when you really want to be with someone you arent even given the chance... It sad how so many judge someone solely based on there looks and write them off as just nobody. Its sad how many times we walk through the fire to help someone out and they dont give you anything in return. walking that fire for that one person you like can become addicting, and hence you become addicted to that person and when your the only person in their life it turns out that even thought you give them so much they dont want you at all. they play with your heart and then take back everything they ever said and all the actions that ever took and throw them in the fire along with your emotions and even though you want to give them the world they dont want to take it, and even though you have the most to offer, and amazing, beautiful, talented, loyal, loving, dedicated person who has everything to offer no one wants it unless wrapped in the perfect little package... SCREW that and screw all those people who threw me into the fire, treated me as a passing ember, forget anyone who played and broke my heart!
its your turn to walk the fire, Im already a pro so good luck catching me, when I am that perfect girl and you realize what you coul have had, it will be too late!

New destinations of a buterfly

So I received a text message from a friend that said "lust of a butterfly". I looked at that and thought how fitting for the situation I am in. because this friend has become more to me than that, he knows I like him because I have told him, however like most of the male species he is Shallow, Vain, Egotistical, and superficial. I am so fed up with guys treating me as if i am not a girl, like im one of the boys, as if im nobody.... I dont know why, is it becuase I am not the hott girl they are looking for, that "unicorn" per say the girl that is skinny, and beautiful, (perfect)..... it sucks being me stuck in this body that was givin to me. For some reason I was meant to go thru life like this, I look back a see that for most of my childhood and on I have been overweight, dont know why, I have struggled with this my entire life, the issues surrounding it, the medical aspects, but there really is only one great explanation, I was meant to be up until now this way, to go thru the things I went thru, to become more sympathetic to others, to be more caring and loving, to understand what people are going thru that maybe in the future through my music and career I can uplift others and hep them thru the things they are going thru.

I have lost 110 lbs so far, Im close to my goal now 90 more to go.....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when i do reach my goal, will people act or treat me different , maybe... I wonder if you realize how many times a day i think about ( is the only reason he wont date me because Im a fat cow?) I think about that constantly.... I mean when you have a friendship and are close to someone, where you can talk about anything, you have complete trust in each other, you enjoy spending time with each other, you laugh and have fun, among other things.... so what is the problem.... i mean really, is that it, Im not "THAT GIRL" the one that is (HOT) in terms of todays societal expectation of what a woman should look like. I mean come on why do men have to be so stupid, Why cant they get past their own superficial and shallow brains and see that, they are missing out on an amazing, talented, accomplished, smart, adventurous, spontaneous, and beautiful woman. I have alot planned for the future and someday I will be able to share that with someone.

I look forward to the day when I reach my goals and look back to see that just maybe that little glimmer in the eyes of so many who broke my heart the thought that "HMMMM how did i not see that coming?"



This will be me someday... I will reach my goals.... this is the day I look forward too...



all i have to say is looks come and go and fade with time, but the true beauty of a heart divine never ends" I have come to realize that my heart is loyal to those i love, My heart has an endless capacity for love and is just waiting to share that with someone who will give me a chance, someone who is man enough to not miss out on a rare oppurtunity. Just like a butterfly I am still a catapillar... but am building a cacoon and when I reach the end of this year I will emerge a butterfly, and when that happens there will be no stopping me!

I wrote a poem based on this text message I received and I love it.

Flying through the sky

on the wings of a butterfly

i reach my hand out to you

dreaming you are reaching too

only to find you are gone

and all those dreams they were wrong

a broken heart will heal with time

a broken soul can heal with a rhyme

so i write these lyrics for my soul

in hopes that they will make me whole

you broke my heart

you tore me apart

but its nothing i cant repair

with a little tender loving care

so ill fly through the sky

with the lust of the butterfly

Letter to my heart

Dear" Heart",

      I know you have recently been lead on and broken. I know that there is still something still tugging on your strings, but its time to let go so we can move on. It is time to cut the strings and mend yourself. I know you have many scars and I know that this pain just keeps getting worse each time. I feel the pain you feel "Heart". The emotional and physical attachment we had to him was strong but now that we know the truth and have been rejected we can move on and forward to our plans for the future. I know that the strings are hard to cut but we need to cut them and fall completely before I can help pick you up and start to heal. We cant let him keep pulling us back in to an endless circle of meaningless affections. We cant let ourselves be used to supply the attention that he is needing. Today is a new day and a day to move forward and let go of the pain that we should not have to endure. It is time to get rid of the confusion that he is giving and its time to stop letting him play games with you "Heart". I love you heart and without you I would be nothing. Heart you are so big, and you may care too much sometimes, but its time to let go, its our time to rise and be the amazing person we are. Its time to show the world that We are the most amazing girl they will ever meet, its time to hare our God given talents with the world and share our capacity to love with the world. "Heart" someday we will find the one that will Love us as much as we love them and it will be amazing and it will be for eternity. We deserve so much better than the guy playing games with you "Heart" and we will find him someday.

I love you heart and I will mend you when your finished breaking. The pieces will be put back together soon.
Love always
ME.......

a river of tears through a broken heart

As I sit and ponder the reality that strikes like a hammer to a nail, I realize that in moments like these, I need to remeber what is in store for the future and focus.

As I sat crying as i drove down a dark country road I realized that no matter how many times I go through the same rejection It only gets harder and harder.

As I sat and realized what had happened I wonder why this time it hurt so much worse than the others. Why did this time have to hurt me to my true core, is it because I thought there was something there? is it because of the things we shared? or is it because I gave my entire self to him, showed him the true authentic me, with no walls, no defense, nothing blocking my heart this time? was it because of the things I felt, the possibilities, the potential that was there? I dont know, all I know is that this time was different, maybe it was because I told him, I took that leap of faith before the feelings took control of me, or before anything else happened.

I struggled to let myself open up so much for that moment. I laid my heart and soul out on the line. I knew wha the outcome would be, I knew it would only lead to the same thing that has been said every single time. I looked at that and did it anyway knowing that the words that I would hear, would be the same as i have heard from so many before.

I know rejection It flows through my mind like the tears are flowing through my broken heart.
Like a river of doubt I find myself questioning who I am, but I have to remeber who I am.

I need to focus and remeber how amazing I am, How much I have to offer someone, I need to remeber the endless possibilities I have for myself. I need to remeber that I have a beautiful voice, Im a great cook,  a good artist, I can work on cars, I have a great sense of human, give amazing back massages, im very smart, a quick learner, dedicated, loyal, caring, loving, helpful, and most of all I will love with every inch of myself to make the one i love happy

I need to remeber that I am a hard worker and will accomplish the things that heavenly father needs me to. I will stand in holy places from now on to be sure I can follow his will.

as the river of tears forever runs through my broken heart waiting for the day it will be mended I will push on with a steadfastness in my faith and remeber to hold my head up. Yes I will still cry and I may bake junk food cuz thats what I do when Im upset, but I will get over this rejection that hurt me so deep, and move forward and upward with my plans

back on track

so keeping with the theme of my day I have come to realize I need to get back on track in my life.

I am so happy with everything I have accomplished in these last two years and I am ready for the amazing future ahead.

My train was derailed for a bit, but It is back on track, As I sat alone at the park today looking out over the water, watching the ducks, fish and birds, as I took in the beauty of the sunshine and felt the cool breeze run through my hair I felt Heavenly Fathers love surround me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I felt as though a peace filled my soul that I have not felt in a long time. I know he is there with me everyday, I know he loves me, but today It was stronger, I have felt as though I might have been losing myself but I realize now that I was just going through another test, I may have made mistakes on the way but I know that with Heavenly Fathers help and with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can be forgiven and find the tracks beneath my feet once again.

As I sit here writing this in the sunshine I am filled with a warmth that as the cool breeze blows makes me feel so comfortable and so at peace with my self and with the world around me. I am Thankful for every expeirence I have ever had, and even more so I am thankful for every hurt I have ever had because without them I would not know the love and peace im feeling in this moment on this beautiful sundayafternoon.

I have said this in a previous post, when you come to the fork in the road make your own path and keep going straight, but I want to add in order to find your way as you go straight, you need a compass and a guide, for em that will be Heavenly Father.

I am thankful for everyone who has been there for me, everyone who supports me, and everyone who has ever hurt me without any of these in my life I would not have made it to this point and I would not be the person I am today. I would not have drive and determination, I would not be as caring and loving, I WOULD NOT BE THE AMAZING WOMAN I AM TODAY.

farewell for today my readers I Love you all!

Looking out the window as the trains pass by

"I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?"

You know I have been thinking about this quote from the movie Inception. It has been on my mind like ants on peanutbutter. I have been pondering the meaning as it pertains to myself and why it has stuck in my brain like gum in my hair. What is so important about this to me. well I am starting to figure it out slowly.

First I think about the first part about waiting for a train the will take you far away, This actually has alot of meaning to me, I am here in California been here my entire life. I want to get away, I want to leave, Im tired of being lonely and I want a "train" to come take me far away from this place, from the heartache and mistakes that are here.

second you know where you want the train to take you but you dont know for sure. This is where i am now, I know where i think, i feel i should be, which is Nashville, But I question myself, Is that really where the train should take me, is that where i should be, Everytime i try and get ready to leave, something pulls me in here. I know where I think i should be but is that really where heavenly fathers train wants me to be going?

Now the last part I just recently realized. (but it doesnt matter, how could it not matter to you?) Well right now I am thinking it doesnt matter what train i get on, Which path i chose because it will end up the same, It JUST DOESNT MATTER.... but then I think about the second part and I realize IT DOES MATTER, There is somewhere specific I need to be, and I need to figure out where that is and follow the path im supposed to fulfill the plans God has for my life, to uplift and love with my heart pure and storng.

I think my problem is that I love to much. I fall too quickly and want to help people too much. I am too caring and those weaknesses keep me on the platform at the train station watching through the windows as the trains pass by me, wishing to get on board, ticket in hand I sit and just watch the people board the trains and then be swept off down the tracks. As I look at my ticket wondering when will it be my turn, how can i get through those doors and just get on that train. Its sitting there out on the side track just waiting................

1st Goal with in arms reach!

So its almost eater, it about a month away now! I am 10 lbs away from my 100 lbs lost goal and I am hoping to be there by April 23!

Its so close I can almost reach it, It has been a long long long 7 months of hard work and pushing myself to limits I didnt know i could surpass.

Leaving the comfort zone and entering a new level I didnt know existed within myself

I want to thank first and Foremost Heavenly Father for the strength to follow through and helping me to get through each day with a new perspective and strength that has helped me through my new lifes adventures

Second and very important I need to Thank my Personal Trainer Randy Green, He has been a constant voice inside my head that when I want to give up I remind myself how hard I have worked and how much Randy has pushed me to help me achieve my long term Goal and I keep going, Him pushing me out of my comfort zone and taking it to that next level has been well worth every pain, every tear, and every cent That i have put into it. I cant express how much his training has meant to me.

third I need to thank my mom, my sister and our co worker Evelyn who have joined me in this fitness journey, who have been there to help me keep going, To uplift me when I want to quit and be that extra little push to make me keep going, and push me when I am not in training

lastley I want to thank all those people who have complimented me and gave me the confidence  to know that Im not just doing this for nothing, but that there is visible proof that I am making progress and that people do notice. It is a great reminder of why i am doing this and what im trying to accomplish, I have worked so hard and hard work shoud always receive praise. To all my friends and family I greatly appreciate you all.

also I guess I need to remember to thank myself, That I have had the drive and power inside me the whole time to get going on my goals and take life by the horns hold on a ride it out coming out of it with a healthy and a greater love for life in the end. I Thank myself for pushing myself and reminding myself that in the end all the pain will be worth it!!!