fading smile into the ocean?

To those of you who have known me for a long time have know what a great and difficult transformation i have recently went through in the last year. I have been so much happier, so much more at peace with myself and the world around me.

I have come to a point in the last month where I can feel a pull of some sort, the peace I once felt has slowly drifted just to the outside of my realm of being. Its weird to feel this way after a year of avoidance of these feelings of doubt and disharmony.

The smile that was once a permanent resident of my face for the past year has slowly began to fade and honestly it scares me. I am still happy with who I am and where I am going bu I can feel the doubt slowly creeping in and to stop it has been so hard. I have started to worry more about my actions, Worry about what others think, and I am doubting myself and it scares me. I dont want to go back to the life I was living before, I am striving to live for my future and to live for today, I am striving to live the gospel and working hard to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. I dont want to take any steps backwards in this journey and I cant let these feelings continue.

I am fighting the waves of lifes ocean to stay above the surface and still be able to breathe, but as in any wave there is a breaking point... Im hoping I can ride this wav out on top so that when the crashing wave reaches that point I will be able to ride it to the shore.

I cant let go of this smile that for so long I had never truly know, The smile that I went through Hell and back to achieve, a smile that took the love of myself for myself to achieve. I cant let go I worked to hard and too many years for it. I wont let it slip beneath the ways to become another sunken treasure in the ocean of my life.

A Life, A Time, and A Story of Pirates

2011....
Welcome to the New year of this new life I am living. I dont know how many of my readers read, or even how many of my friends even read my blog these days but I figured I would update it....

A life of new begining and new endings is here. a life that will be filled with ups and downs but I am still happy through them all because I Love who I am and am in a better place, which helps when dealing with the cards that life is dealing me. Like playing a game of poker you cant win every hand, you just have to know how much your going to bet, will that hand play out in the end or should you fold and wait for the next set of cards. Let me tell you be very careful about the Cards you bet on because you dont want to waste all your money on a hand thats not going to take you anywhere. Think about the long run, where will it go, whats its potential, how far will I REALLY go with this set of cards? Ok so have you guessed what this is yet.. LOL well it can be a number of things... relate it  to what you want... I have been relating this in my life lately to my school and guys..

I mean look school... What degree do i want to bet my money on... Will i like it? can I get a job? once i do get the degree will i be good enough to get a job? I mean all these questions arise.. and then I become this fickle better who is like well ill bet on this for a bit, then fold. then bet on the next and fold... so its been a losing streak somewhat thus far... but I am getting general Education credits done in the midst of this so that is a positive.

The next I said I relate this to is guys... OH MAN... so confusing if you ask me.. I am a very simple girl, especially lately I dont have much complication going on, Im pretty straight forward with who I am, up front and honest... I think that may be the problem... Also it seems lately like Im back to the point where im just one of the guys...its a little heartbreaking but being who i am today its not as bad as it could have been. :) I Love who I am, I am a Nerd (so what) I love to play video games, I love Star Trek, I like Star Wars, I enjoyed palying DnD, I love fantasy novels, I like cars (alot) Im outgoing, talented, adventurous, Im not afraid to go out and get dirty, I love to go camping and hiking, I love being outdoors, I love being out on a ranch with animals (Cows, Chicken, Goats, Rabbits, Dogs, Horses) LOVE IT!! Im not a girly girl but im not a tom-boy either. I Love to get dressed up, I love getting my nails done and a pedicure, I like getting massages, I love putting on heels and make-up to feel sexy even if i really dont, I like to do my hair for a night out, a romantic dinner and a movie sounds good to me and movies sometimes make me cry.

So when I compare guys to that hand of cards, be careful who your putting your energy into, because they could be using you. its not fun to find out 2 months down the road when your almost out of chips to give and running low on energy that the hand you have been betting on has been deceiving and the girl at the other end of the table Well She had pocket Aces. as of late I have been really thinking about dating... and have come to realize.. I have been on one real date. But as the little girl in my heart cries for the date of her dreams, the one she always pictured as a "real date" lol so stereotypical I know but... The guys picks up the girl at her house, opens her door for her, and drives to the restraunt where they sit and have conversation over a nice dinner (but not too expensive) then the rest of the evening can be spontaneous and fun.. it can even be a surprise... but that is what I have always pictured as a real date.. like I said I am a sinple girl and really that dream date i just described is not anything very complicated.. :) but I have become very careful about my betting on cards lately, because even when it may seem like maybe oh just maybe this guy might be interested, something is said and BAM! the thing I always hear, neverending word, the word that cuts like a knife no matter how many times you hear it... FRIEND. dont get me wrong I love my friends... they are amazing wouldnt trade them for the world (well maybe a million dollars but hey I got bills) LOL just kidding but honestly... all in due time I guess but until then Im focusing on me, because right now honeslty no one else matter at this time more than myself... because I am getting to a good place in my life emotionally and physically.

A time has come for me when I am in the midst of the biggest life changes I have ever made. in the last <<<<<< 6 months I am down 60 lbs (heres a picture) and on my way to my ultimate and final goals I feel and look amazing. I am so happy with who I am. I am back in school and currently taking two history classes 101 and 102. these classes will be the death of my GPA but im gonna buckle down and focus hard... Its going to be a hard semester mentally and emotionally for me but with my new found strength I will push through and come out sprinting on the other side... ok so maybe ill be jogging or walking out the other side... but the point is Ill be coming out the other side!!! I have alot of reading and writing to do in these classes but Luckily for me I LOVE HISTORY!!! well actually I just love learning in general, But I am almost done with my generals YAY!!! jsut 3 classes away... a math class and 2 sciences for my next semester! Im excited to finally be done with my generals then I will have to decided tho what to do.... A time will come when I will have to pick a major and stick with it...

Now I have just had a birthday and turned 26, I have now passed the 1/4 of a century mark by and entire year.... OH BOY!!!! I feel old like a pirate who has been out to sea way to long! but alas has reached land.. well ok maybe not but it sounded good. this year has opened up so many different routes of travel I could ride the trade winds in many different directions from here...My birthday turned out ok, It wasnt the best birthday I could have hoped for but it wasnt bad either, I was at least able to gather together with me friends and enjoy time with them.. I also enjoyed a sea side adventure to the beaches of Santa Cruz the friday before me birthday. I enjoyed the sand beneathe me shoes and the throwing about of a pigskin. also that night we took in a show at the Imax in Dublin. The beach day did start of with a rather interesting story about Pirates from patterson who farmed pickles and persimmons with their beerbellies...I have thought on this story I told while driving out into the sun out of the haze of the valley and I have come to the conclusion that is has alot of depth to think about, they were pirates who for ages traveled to find a new home when settling down they celebrated by drinking wherein the beerbellies came from.. then they began to farm pickles and persimmons and in the depth of a harsh winter lost their crops, so not only were they fat and alreay depressed they lost all their food as well.. well they survived the winter because the were kept warm and nuritioned by there fat storage on their bodies... Im sure they learned alot of great lessons that winter. Its only throught the hard times in our lives that we are able to learn a lesson that will shape our future selfs and make us ready for the fight that is ahead of us. The trials we go through are the building block of who we are as a person, everyone goes through similar trials, they are just unique to each individual. Each trial can be realted to each other some way. I know now that I am grateful for every pain I went through, Every sleepless night I endured, Every waking moment I hated myself, Every thought of despair, Every moment of weakness, and every tear i have and will ever cry!

I am grateful for all of those beacause they have made me Jennifer. a Strong, Talented, Courageous, Energetic, Loyal, Caring, Loving, Respectful, Adventuraous, Spontaneous, Happy, beautiful, Willing, Faithful, spiritual, Fun, Funny, Nerdy, Fantasic, Superwoman I am today... and without everything I went through I would no be who I am, I wouldnt be any of these things, I wouldnt be unique and special. I would be the amazing person I am today. and I love the person I am today and I WILL never forget what I went through and the lessons I learned to get here!

2010

January- I started the year off attending a school in Sacramento Call IADT for Graphic Design. I actually liekt he major its pretty cool. Bridgette and I also attended classes with New Era Trainings there Explore Workshops. Self improvemnet to help better our lives. I got alot out of those classes.

The rest of the year is a blur! it has went by so fast.... McKenna has been growing up. I love my niece and have got to spen alot of time with her.
I traveled alot this year. Nashville, Hawaii, Colorado! WOW!

I started my lifestyle change near the end of the year! Im so happy about it My life was turned around 360. I have been going to the gym since October and couldnt be happier, I have an amazing trainer named Randy Green who has been helping me reach my goals. I have been living and loving my new life.

2010 has been and amazing year of growth both mentally, physically and spiritually.
my testimony has grown in the gospel and I was able to receive my Temple recommend to enter into Gods house which I am so proud of. I have been reading my scriptures and giving lessons at the FHE's. I have a strong testimony of Gods love for me.

This year I have learned to LOVE myself to be able to accept myself and to believe in myself. I am going after my dreams and not going to stop until I reach the top.

I cant wait for 2011 and beyond. I am keeping this positive attitude with an eye to an amazing future that awaits me with Gods help and guidance I can accomplish anything. I am grateful for all my friends who have been there for me when I was at my lowest point and were still there when I reached the other side of the darkness. I am glad to have finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel and I am ready to keep on running. I know there will be more mountains to climb and more tunnels to go thru but I am now ready for anything. I am going to miss those friends who are leaving california for school or missions, and will be welcoming back those coming home. As the wind blows so does life shift and life changes with it. WE must go with the flow and anticipate what will happen next.


Bring it on.. I LOVE YOU ALL. HAPPY NEW YEAR. may you be blessed and may your dreams come true as you work hard to achieve them!

                                                                      WELCOME 2011!

the road to success is not easy :)

So I have been going to the gym for a few months now! AND I AM VERY HAPPY. I absolutley Love the gym. Get Fit 24/7 is an awesome place with really cool people. its a comfortable environment to go work out in. I like going to the gym, its a new adventure everyday. Randy Green my personal trainer at the Gym is amazing, He is very good and knows what he is doing, Im hope i can gather up enough money so i can start back into training with him again, I totally miss it... YES i said i miss training... yeah it may be hard, adn i may not want to do it when im there and he is telling me what to do, but I know now, from the results I am getting, ( 50 lbs down) that It is SO WORTH IT!!! I would so reccomend the gym to everyone and anyone. Get Fit 24/7 is fun and the staff is great! <3 I met my first fitness goal and im on to my next!

I cant wait to show you all the progress i will have made in one year, I am starting to keep pictures and records of my fitness adventure... STAY TUNED... <3

Confessions of the unfiltered heart

So thru some meditation and alot of thinking I have finally come to the conclusion and realization that I am ready to write out this Blog.

Through the years there has been only four times I have liked a guy. Yes three years in my "wonderful" 25 (almost 26) years of life! 

lets start back in Jr High.. WOW thats seems like forever ago. :) haha.. well it all startd at a basketball game sitting in the bleachers cheering on the ROSS BEARS!!! Well there was this guy from the other team and he was good looking, Cowboy (of course) and my friend says "hey i think that guy is cute" well so did I but seeing as I had no confidence in myself and lack any self esteem I said to the guy (Bruce) " Hey my friend thinks your cute!" well he came up and chatted with us and they dated after that. I still had a crush on this guy. (WAIT IT GETS BETTER) well they break up and my friend moves away and leaves the school, we hardly talk besides on the phone, Well guess what... her ex then begins attending school... what a coincedence... He remebers me and we quickly become friends as we have much in common... He would become one of my best and closest friends and would not know how deeply I felt for him until later. well I told my friend that we had become friends and she was totally kool with it. she was glad i had found someone to hang out with in her absence. well me and bruce were in choir together and hung out all the time. He dated and talked about all his girl problems with me and I helped him solve all of them. When his girlfirends were busy me and him would go hang out and cruise Mchenry in my truck, go to the drive in, or go hang out with his grandma. I enjoyed every moment we spent together and we shared our ups and downs. We laughed and cried together, and sang endless songs together. we talked endless hours on the phone and sat for hours talking about nothing under the stars. We went to the homecoming game together and had an amazing time, laughing and smiling, I decided it was time to tell him how I felt, he hadnt had a girlfriend in 4 months and I had never dated anyone EVER.. LOL. well we walked around the highschool and sat and talked I told him and he was ok with what I was saying but then his reply shocked me and this is what he said " You are my best friend and I love you too, But I like girls who look a certain way, athletic, skinny and you dont, Im sorry, I dont want to hurt your feelings. Your still my best friend" After that night we slowly grew apart I really didnt want anythign to do with him anymore. I have not talked to him since 2004.

the second one at the time I thought I was head over heels for but now I dont even know wha tI was thinking..LOL I think I was just caught up in the moment.. He was a nice guy. Mormon. Musician. Tall. Handsome. Sweet. Driven. I liked him. I told him. wrote songs about him. and yes he found out I liked him as well and I heard from a good friend of mine that he said a really mean thing that I will never repeat! and I have hated him ever since! so that was my second guy I liked.. LOL but I will admit he was an amazing guitar player.. LOL

the tird guy was short lived and last but a few short months. I thought maybe i could marry this guy but as I was going to move to another state to be with him and date him, he married a much older women like a 40 year old. yeah. but we had an amazing time together on the beaches in Oceanside California where I was for the first table able to feel like a beautiful women, loved for who I really was. love for me. I felt great. we walked the beach had in hand and had a great talk. after her returned home we stayed in touched and I had planned on moving to be near him but then that all changed and he called me out of the blue and said he was engaged and getting married, I was shocked and surprised and deeply saddened. I once again felt lost and as i wasnt good enough.

the fourth and most important guy that I have feelings for and still do. he was my best friend. He means the world to me. I dont think he will ever know how much he changed and effected my life both good and bad. but hey what can I say. I know that when you meet someone you look into there eyes and you can just tell that they are a good person with a good soul and heis one of those people. He has his moments when he can come of as a total and complete Jackass but he is actually one of the greatest guys you will ever know if you get the chance. he is caring, kind, and has the greatest smile. I met him awhile ago at a church activity and at first I was like this guy is so weird until i was actually introduced. Then he tried to hug me, OMG! I hated hugs (back then) and I refused to hug him and opted for a handshake instead. well after that I saw him again at church and other activities and he would constantly try and give me a hug and I would always avoid it... Until one day I didnt :( ugh....) well I havent avoided it since then LOL well maybe a few times but thats a long story i will not go into detail. well he has a great persoanlity that just makes me melt. I have had a conversation with another friend of my about guys and we talked about physical attraction and I taold him that I was in no way physically attracted to this certain individual and he said WHAT!!!! how can you love someone and not be? I said because I DONT CARE!!! IM NOT SHALLOW! like I have said in a blog before, society has been so focused on what people look like taht they forget the substance of what people are! I know that me and the guy that I have loved for the past 3 years will never be together, why? because I can look at the girls he dates, the girls he likes, the girls he looks at and know I CAN NEVER LIVE UP TO THAT. But here I am still in love with him everyday, but it has become so much easier to deal with now knowing who I really am.

I used to cry myself to sleep everynight wishing I could wake up being as beautiful and as skinny as those girls on TV. I thought about becoming anorexic, and so many other things but knew I could get sick. I was unhappy and lost myself. But now I know who I really am! I am very healthy, I am very happy, I am a very beautiful, talented, adventurous, spontaneous, funny, exciting, loving, caring, loyal, respectful, young woman! I would never trade that for anything :)

I guess I could add to here that I did kind of date this guy but I am trying to foget about him and pretend like it never happened because as far as I am concerned althought the lessons I learned from the experiences were priceless I would like to forget them. I didnt really like him at all and I have no Idea why I even put myself in that position in the first place mostly because I was lost and didnt know who I was but that will never happen again!!! thats one history lesson i will never forget and one time history wont repeat itself.. LOL!

HMM lets see....guys I have kissed for real thre have been one, two, three, four guys :) LOL one was at a club on Saint Patricks day in 2006 I think/ one was in 2009 on the beach in Oceanside, CA/ one was my Ex/ and one was because of mistle toe or a dare.
LOVE YOU... these were my confession from my unfiltered heart <3

MED Exams

Its like when your going in to take finals for classes, but you werent given anything to study!

Well I went in and got some testing done on my heart and lower extremities.
I had an Echocardiography done and Lower Extremity Doppler Sonogram and pressure testing done

Lets start with the Echo Cardio first.
Everything came back good. My heart is normal, I have a mild left atrial enlargement but it is absolutley nothing to worry about and the mitral valve is normal and opens adequatley, but does have a trivial mitral reguritation. Also something the doctor says is absolutely nothing to worry about.
She says everything looks fantastic.

When they got back my results for the lower extremity pressure test it was abnormal and they wanted to do further testing so they sent me for a Doppler Sonogram, I finally got the results back today! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!! YAY!!! what a relief! no plaque buildup, no blockage, no restrictions, no closures, and the veins look great.. So I am absolutley RELIEVED!!!!!

ALSO GOOD NEWS!!!  My blood pressure has been steady and NORMAL.
I am eating healthy 1200 Calories a day
Working out 5 days a week twice with a great personal trainer, Pushing myself!!!
Keeping track of all my food intake.
Not eating any sugar
Not drinking any Soda
I havent had a headache in almost THREE WEEKS!!! :)


SO FAR SO GOOD!!

UpSiDe DoWn and UNCLUTTERED!

Well I am sure you have all read about my life stories and journeys but let me share a bit about how My life was flipped UPSIDE DOWN.

Ok so you may be thinking... WHOA... having your life flipped upside down isnt such a good thing, Well maybe not unless your life was upside down to begin with? :)

Well that is exactly how mine was, upside down, distorted, confused, whatever you want to call it... I woul like to call it CLUTTERED!!!!

I had lived my life gathering.... gathering bad expiences, bad memories, sad times, harsh feelings, death, holding on to loved ones, holding onto myths about who I was, and not knowing the Facts about who I REALLY AM!!!

But January 2010 came along. I was turning 25!!!! yep 25 years old and I knew it was time to make some changes because the way life was going for me was not right, I was at my lowest point, Lost and spiraling out of control, I didnt know which way was up, down left or right, I was just there in the moment living not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I did know one thing I had to change something before it was too late. I didnt trust anyone. I didnt want to be friends with anyone. I had cut my best friend out of my life completly and didnt trust him. I didnt talk to my family because I didnt trust them I was scared to be close to anyone, because I didnt want to get hurt, because that it what i let myself believe that everyone would just hurt me.

WELL!!!! that has all changed Thanks to some Self Improvement workshops called New Era Trainings. I cant go into detail about anything we did in those classes But they helped me to trust again, They helped me to find out who I truly was. I was able to find my core being, my true self. I became centered in my being. Focused on the future. Happy, Positive, Hopeful. I was able to trust and return to a normal life. I have become an entirely different person then I was a year ago.

Lets compare...                                                                      This YEAR
Last year 
Taking anti depressants                                                               NO MEDS!!!!-
Taking Anti Anxiety pills
Taking High Blood pressure meds
Loss of intrest
Depressed                                                                                   HAPPY
Suicidal                                                              LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE
Hopeless                                                                                    HOPEFUL
reclusive                                                                                  OUTGOING
negitive                                                                                     POSITIVE
losing faith                                                                      STRONG TESTIMONY
bad choices                                                                   CHOOSING THE RIGHT
drinking                                                                                          SOBER :)



And I may have not went through every class that The New Era had to offer but just going throught the first workshops was enough for me, They WERE priceless, I came out with a UNCLUTTERED AUTHENTIC VIEW OF MYSELF! I was also able to stand firmly for my beliefs and standards, From that moment the testimony in my bosom grew and has been blossoming into a beautiful rose. I just need not forget to water it :)

So for me my life was flipped upside down and I was able to declutter all that garbage I was carrying around with me, I was able to find myself inside a wharehouse full of false images, bad memories, and harsh feelings that I had been storing, and I was able to walk out of there hand in hand with my real self finally reconnect and HAPPY!!!!

SO..... even though we cant change the past our attitude about the past can change, we can learn from it, let go and move on.

" Its our Attitude Not our Aptitude That will determine our Altitude!!!"


LOVE YOU ALL!!