Tommorow will be a better day and the sun will shine

Recently I had a discussion with a guy who had become one of my best friends, we had bceome really really close. My mistake is that I fell for him, not at first but after the first time we kissed I fell for him, I told him how I felt but decided we would jsut be friends. I was ok with that, I slowly got over liking him, but... then it that all changed, we made out adn i was like well what the heck, you dont make out with your "friends", I thought ok maybe this was just a one time thing caught up in the moment thing, but it happened 2 more times after that, and holding hands like we did was not something "friends" do, I was confused at what was going on, asked myself "what are we doing?" "what are we?" so I decided to find out, well yeah stepped in a pile of crap on that one, he made me feel like it was my fault, I think i remeber it being said that he believed what we were doing was wrong and he was just going along with me... WTF is that.... Whatever, the only thing that matters is that I love myself, I think thats what makes this time harder, because I have found respect and love for myself and thought that maybe just someone else did too, like me as more than a friend, I Love myself and to let myself get hurt was a mistake I should have prepared for. BUT... at least I am learning lessons, I was told that every trial and every breakdown we have in life is a new begining a time to start new and begin with a clean slate. My best friend of the last what i think 6 yrs told me last night that its time to stop trying to help everyone else and to help myself and focus on me, So I know he is right and its time for me to refocus and not lose sight of my goals. He also told me that I need to figure out what i want in life and figure out how to get it, well I thought about it, and the one thing i want I know i can never have, but career wise my dreams and goals of becoming a Singer will come true, I will make the sacrifices that are needed to become the one thing I have only dreamed of being. I realized this morning as I looked at before and after photos from last year to this year That I am freakin hot! I mean I look amazing, and After i reach my final goal weight and get some palstic surgery done in January Watch out is all I have to say. the funny thing is, even though Im still in love with my best friend, I am learning to live with it and make it something different, I am going to allow myself to leave my comfort zone, I am gonna get out and see the world, I read some of the book of mormon this morning and read about temples and realize that I do still have a testimony, I know that the my choice of being  LDS was the right one, I know that the church is true and that I am more able to cope with things being a member and having something to believe in, I  Do BELIEVE with all my heart, Change is coming and its for the better!

in the words of Dolly Parton

NOW WE DONT KNOW WHAT HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE

BUT WEVE SEEN ENOUGH HELL RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW

BUT WHEN THE ROAD IS THE ROUGHEST

AND THE PROBLEMS ARE THE TOUGHEST

OR WHEN THE TIMES ARE THE HARDEST

AND THAT OLE SKY IS THE DARKEST

YOU GOTTA KEEP THE FAITH CUZ I BELIEVE THERES A BETTER DAY

AND THOSE OL BLUES WHY THERE JUS GONNA ROLL RIGHT ON AWAY

I KNOW THEY ARE LISTEN TO ME

ALL THATS BLUE AINT SKY AND SEA

SOME OF THAT BLUES BOUND TO GET ON ME

BUT THE BLUES DONT COME TO STAY

THEYLL MOVE AWAY ON A BETTER DAY

TROUBLES AND WOES AND MISERY

AINT GONNA GET THE BEST OF ME

LIFT THE SHADES FIX MY GAZE

ON A BETTER DAY CLEAR AWAY

BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD

WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED

WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD

THERES A BETTER WAY THERES A BRIGHTER DAY

OH THERES A BETTER DAY WITH CLEARER SKIES

HOPE AND PROMIS ON THE RISE

OH THE FUTURE WELL ITS LOOKIN BRIGHT ON A BETTER DAY

LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY

THERES A BETTER DAY

BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD

WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED

WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD

THERES A BETTER DAY THERES A BETTER DAY

OH ALL THATS BLUE IT AINT SKY AND SEA

SOME OF THAT BLUES GONNA FALL ON ME

OH THE FUTURES LOOKIN BRIGHT

THERES A BETTER DAY LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY

THANKS DOLLY FOR THIS SONG

THANKS TO MY BEST FRIEND <3

THANKS TO HEAVENLY FATHER FOR BEING THERE AND LOVING ME EVEN AFTER I STRAY FROM THE PATH.

I AM THANKFUL FOR REPENTANCE AND THE ATONEMENT OF CHRIST

ITS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD, ONWARD, AND UP WARD, TIME TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS AND RIDE IT TILL IT BREAKS, I WILL ACCOMPLISH EVERYTHING I SET FORTH TO DO AND I WILL SHOW EVERYONE THAT I AM NOT A FORCE TO MESS WITH

I AM AN AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, LOYAL, GENUINE, ENCOURAGING, LOVING, CARING, DEVOTED, DEDICATED, SUPPORTING, HUMOROUS, ADVENTUROUS, SPONTANEOUS, LOCQUACIOUS, ENERGETIC, MUSICAL, ROMANTIC, SEXY YOUNG WOMAN

WHO WILL NOW NOT LET ANYTHING STOP HER!

Summer time heartbreak and concert tour

SO wow!  this summer has started of very interesting! but I am having a blast even amidst dealing with an oncoming broken heart that I see will soon be happening.... Its just hard when that heartbreak is gonna come from one of your best friends, but it is my fault, I had to go and spend so much time with this guy and start having feelings for him but what did I expect when you hold hands, kiss and wake up next to each other. I just wish I hadnt let myself go, Ill just keep reminding myself that I dont want history to repeat itself! That and still being in love with the guy who has been my best friend for the last what 6 years or something. but looking into the future I know there is so much greatness ahead of me that I wont let myself get down and I gotta keep treking onward! This summer has so far been full of awesomeness. I won a 100 year pass to the stanislaus county fair so i went to the concerts I saw Clint Black, Clay Walker, Joan Jett and last night I got to see Heidi newfield and Joe Nichols! man Joe Nichols is SOOOO HOT... I got a guitar pick from him... he is one hot singer!!!! Tonight I am going to the Dolly Parton Concert in Concord! Im super excited, Im hoping I can somehow get backstage! It has been my life long dream to meet her and I hope that someday that dream will come true!  I look forward to the res tof the summer, More cocnerts, Hot August Nights in Reno, Las Vegas, Maybe a Cruise, Camping at the lake, Wave runners and maybe just maybe I will find someone who will love me back instead of me just loving them... Plus I will be getting closer to my weightloss goasl and preparing for my future! maybe even get a house.
here is a before and after picture...
July 2010- July 2011

See you in my next blog! luv ya!

Living amogst the unicorns

Life is such a funny thing sometimes, but Boy am i glad to have had every experience good and bad. all experiences are blessings, Trials make us stronger and the good times remind us that there is something more to this life! I look and realize that each one of us is unique we all have special gifts and talents to share with the world.

Life has been really hard for me Lately I look and feel like im living in a world of uinicorns, surrounded by beautiful thin woman, and handsome sexy men,  looks I have dreamed about, features I want to see in myself, But I can never live up to the social expectations of becoming a unicorn, for one reason! THEY DONT EXIST! No one on this earth is perfect, everyone is flawed in some way. I met the most beautiful girl the other day, She was a model for a high end fashion magazine and books many shows and has even posed in playboy. She was beautiful, perfect body (plastic surgery) perfect hair ( dyed ) and pefect clothes (debt) BUT she had no personality she was rude, stuck up, didnt care about anyone else, and had no morals or standards, the attitude that she was better than everyone and people should worship her, WELL hunny guess what, She became UGLY to me after that. If being beautiful and accepted by society and being loved means, becoming a fake, plastic, barbie doll who has major credit card debt well screw that.

I will take being myself, a loving, caring, loyal, talented, amazing, dedicated, friendly, spontanious, adventurous, exciting, musical, charitable, amazingly awesome, average girl I am now. I have the most amazing personality and amazing talent to share with the world.

I dont need to be a perfect to be a unicorn. beacause I am beautiful and I am majestic, dag nabbit I am a unicorn... I am unique and proud of it.

I just finished my first single call Dont be afraid to love me, and I dedicated it to all thos guys who rejected me because I wasnt thin enough or model enough for them, I need a real man anyways who can be kind, caring, sing, and is strong enough to love me, I dont think any of the guys I know are good enough for me, I need someone who is amazing. SOMEDAY. but my first single is dedicated to those who would not even given me a chance and judged this book on its cover. cuz by the end of the year they are gonna SO REGRET IT!!! :) sorry y'all missed out if you are reading this and you will know who you are...

oh and p.s. I hate that im still head over heels in love with him... GRR will it ever go away!! hahaha

Flying to the moon lyric to lyric

I remeber when we first started talking, you sent me a link to a youtube video, The song was Just a dream, I listened to that song and ever since that one song Music has been a connection.Why I decided to hang out with you in the first place I will never know, your not the kind of person I usually would want to associate with especially based on my history. I did it anyways, maybe I cared to much because I knew you didnt really have anyone, maybe my heart felt for you and I never want anyone to feel alone. We hung out all the time, listening to music till the late hours, sitting by the fire, or hitting up karaoke. It was nice to have someone want to hang out with me, It was nice to have someone to accompany me to go to Karaoke. We texted each other all the time, I enjoyed the randomness, and the craziness that ensued between us. I enjoyed the late night video games, I enjoyed kissing you, I enjoyed holding hands, I enjoyed cuddleing, most of all I enjoyed just being with you, and the moments of just talking. You are so attractive and I made the mistake of falling for you, but lesson learned never kiss someone you are not dating because you may fall for them and they prolly wont... You flew me to the moon with songs and lyrics, it was written in the stars, Im addicted and i just cant get enough. Im not afraid of you, and that one night you flew me to the moon, you made me feel as if I were a woman, beautiful and wanted. but that all changed, slowly slipped away, return to earth, boring and lame, you changed, told me I was nobody, that I wasnt even a girl, you brought me back to reality, i guess I was hoping for too much, I thought maybe it was real, but you were just leading me on and playing with my heart, well I think I left a piece back on the moon, amongst all the lyrics and pictures we shared on our adventure of randomness.

Fire uner your blog

Sitting around the Fire and Thinking about how much i wish he was here. Its sad how we find a connection with someone and it ends up being more pain then joy. That when you really want to be with someone you arent even given the chance... It sad how so many judge someone solely based on there looks and write them off as just nobody. Its sad how many times we walk through the fire to help someone out and they dont give you anything in return. walking that fire for that one person you like can become addicting, and hence you become addicted to that person and when your the only person in their life it turns out that even thought you give them so much they dont want you at all. they play with your heart and then take back everything they ever said and all the actions that ever took and throw them in the fire along with your emotions and even though you want to give them the world they dont want to take it, and even though you have the most to offer, and amazing, beautiful, talented, loyal, loving, dedicated person who has everything to offer no one wants it unless wrapped in the perfect little package... SCREW that and screw all those people who threw me into the fire, treated me as a passing ember, forget anyone who played and broke my heart!
its your turn to walk the fire, Im already a pro so good luck catching me, when I am that perfect girl and you realize what you coul have had, it will be too late!

New destinations of a buterfly

So I received a text message from a friend that said "lust of a butterfly". I looked at that and thought how fitting for the situation I am in. because this friend has become more to me than that, he knows I like him because I have told him, however like most of the male species he is Shallow, Vain, Egotistical, and superficial. I am so fed up with guys treating me as if i am not a girl, like im one of the boys, as if im nobody.... I dont know why, is it becuase I am not the hott girl they are looking for, that "unicorn" per say the girl that is skinny, and beautiful, (perfect)..... it sucks being me stuck in this body that was givin to me. For some reason I was meant to go thru life like this, I look back a see that for most of my childhood and on I have been overweight, dont know why, I have struggled with this my entire life, the issues surrounding it, the medical aspects, but there really is only one great explanation, I was meant to be up until now this way, to go thru the things I went thru, to become more sympathetic to others, to be more caring and loving, to understand what people are going thru that maybe in the future through my music and career I can uplift others and hep them thru the things they are going thru.

I have lost 110 lbs so far, Im close to my goal now 90 more to go.....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when i do reach my goal, will people act or treat me different , maybe... I wonder if you realize how many times a day i think about ( is the only reason he wont date me because Im a fat cow?) I think about that constantly.... I mean when you have a friendship and are close to someone, where you can talk about anything, you have complete trust in each other, you enjoy spending time with each other, you laugh and have fun, among other things.... so what is the problem.... i mean really, is that it, Im not "THAT GIRL" the one that is (HOT) in terms of todays societal expectation of what a woman should look like. I mean come on why do men have to be so stupid, Why cant they get past their own superficial and shallow brains and see that, they are missing out on an amazing, talented, accomplished, smart, adventurous, spontaneous, and beautiful woman. I have alot planned for the future and someday I will be able to share that with someone.

I look forward to the day when I reach my goals and look back to see that just maybe that little glimmer in the eyes of so many who broke my heart the thought that "HMMMM how did i not see that coming?"



This will be me someday... I will reach my goals.... this is the day I look forward too...



all i have to say is looks come and go and fade with time, but the true beauty of a heart divine never ends" I have come to realize that my heart is loyal to those i love, My heart has an endless capacity for love and is just waiting to share that with someone who will give me a chance, someone who is man enough to not miss out on a rare oppurtunity. Just like a butterfly I am still a catapillar... but am building a cacoon and when I reach the end of this year I will emerge a butterfly, and when that happens there will be no stopping me!

I wrote a poem based on this text message I received and I love it.

Flying through the sky

on the wings of a butterfly

i reach my hand out to you

dreaming you are reaching too

only to find you are gone

and all those dreams they were wrong

a broken heart will heal with time

a broken soul can heal with a rhyme

so i write these lyrics for my soul

in hopes that they will make me whole

you broke my heart

you tore me apart

but its nothing i cant repair

with a little tender loving care

so ill fly through the sky

with the lust of the butterfly

Letter to my heart

Dear" Heart",

      I know you have recently been lead on and broken. I know that there is still something still tugging on your strings, but its time to let go so we can move on. It is time to cut the strings and mend yourself. I know you have many scars and I know that this pain just keeps getting worse each time. I feel the pain you feel "Heart". The emotional and physical attachment we had to him was strong but now that we know the truth and have been rejected we can move on and forward to our plans for the future. I know that the strings are hard to cut but we need to cut them and fall completely before I can help pick you up and start to heal. We cant let him keep pulling us back in to an endless circle of meaningless affections. We cant let ourselves be used to supply the attention that he is needing. Today is a new day and a day to move forward and let go of the pain that we should not have to endure. It is time to get rid of the confusion that he is giving and its time to stop letting him play games with you "Heart". I love you heart and without you I would be nothing. Heart you are so big, and you may care too much sometimes, but its time to let go, its our time to rise and be the amazing person we are. Its time to show the world that We are the most amazing girl they will ever meet, its time to hare our God given talents with the world and share our capacity to love with the world. "Heart" someday we will find the one that will Love us as much as we love them and it will be amazing and it will be for eternity. We deserve so much better than the guy playing games with you "Heart" and we will find him someday.

I love you heart and I will mend you when your finished breaking. The pieces will be put back together soon.
Love always
ME.......