echos in the caverns of my mind

just like the music that plays nonstop inside my head. Your voice haunts me with every breathe I take. I remeber every footstep tread. I hold on for my hearts sake. The endless love I have for you. will it ever go away. I ask myself what to do. but my heart has nothing to say. Its breaking slowly, a little more every day. every time i see your face. I want to run away. and leave forever without a trace. our friendship means the world to me. but i ponder if i can take it anymore. knowing we can never be. hurts and kills me to my core. My tortured soul cries for you. but i can never let it show. there is nothing i can do. but to let you go. It's funny how society shapes our perceptions and our lives. I live in a world that tells me I'm a cow... I'm fat. And because of that Im not good enough to date. I know guys are visual creations its all about how skinny is she boobs butt whatever but few want to date a fatty. Seriously. The thoughts that run thru my head echo thru my soul and puncture my heart. I will never be that girl... I will never be good enough, skinny enough, have the right butt or whatever. Well I am beautiful I know this but still not to society standards of acceptable. You would never have given me a Chance. It's a sad sick reality but it happens The echoes in the cavern of my mind remind me that the love I have is just not strong enough. It's the pain of living. And growing. It's time to change try to be a new.person. try and time to be confident in myself. And so thru the.echo I hear let's conquer the world.

The nightmares of reality

As the night falls I find myself falling into a state of peaceless rest. The turning of a clear night sky into a cloudy grey night. I find my eyes focus through the darkness and see a face. searching for a reason as to the dreary change of the night. I can remeber a time when a sunny bright day when the sun would reflect off my glowing hair would turn into a night that was still and peaceful, when there were no clouds, when the stars smiled down upon me and the moonlight danced across my skin. alas those days have dissapeared and now all there is is darkness. I try hard to remeber those times to pray and plead for the sun and moonlight to come back to me once again, for the clouds to leave. I find myself crying as the fear creeps up my spine as I stand in a place unknown to my soul and heart. as I look your face is there in the distance obscured by the darkness, you haunt me. I am alone and stuck unable to move paralyzed by fear that I will lose my way if I move, but I fear if I dont move I will forever be stuck in this darkness that has engulfed me in its arms. I reach for your hand but you taunt me, pretending that you are there, reaching back but always keeping just out of reach, your smile is comforting but at the same time it kills me, because I have no smile left in my own eyes. there are times when you dissapear and I think maybe you are gone forever, finally decided to leave me and forget about me, but you always come back, there at the edge of the view in this darkness, I know you, you are someone I love, someone I can never let go of, someone that I will never forget, your face, your smile, your sarcasm, your laugh, but mostly your strong masculine voice, I hear you speak, but I am not listening, my head is wrapped around the sinking feeling in my soul, I kneel in hopes you will just come rescue me or put me out of my misery once and for all. My heart beats to the sound of the music that ringes through my head but how long before the music dies and my heart stops beating. I feel a hand someone else has come into this place, someone who sits next to me and listens to the music in my head, comforts my fearful soul, his hand graces my face with its touch, the palms of a cold hand, I shiver as the cold sweeps down across my neck and to my shoulder. I shutter under the heaviness the touch brings to my soul, the touch becomes harder. the face at the edge of the darkness is gone... where did you go why did you leave me!... the man who sits here with me now as I feel abandoned, his eyes are dark and empty, i try to move but his hand on my shoulder hold me I am caught up in the emptiness of his gaze wondering where it goes, I am mesmerized by this new sensation, but the weight of his hand on me begins to make me fall, i try to hold myself up right but I cant i fall back into the mud, I scream not knowing what to do... I see a flash of light from the distance, it grows closer and brighter, the man is distractd by the light that is coming to save me I can hear them call my name, the man loosens his grip and I run toward the light if only for a moment i reach the edge of the light and am comforted but for a moment, then a hand reaches for my and holds it tight as the light slowly departs from my feet and the darkness grows I focus on the light but the hand i am holding is warm and comforting, I turn to see a captivating face, something interesting and mesmerizing about his smile, the touch of his warm habd is strong and comforting, I never want to let go, but there is something in his eyes, there is a light but it is dim, and as he speaks there is a hint of danger radiating from the words, I look past and see the face at the edge of the darkness again just watching, I smile knowing you are still out there somewhere, my heart stops to see you frown, the warm hand lets go and I am jolted back to the man in front of me, his engulfs me in his strong warm arms, ambraced by him I feel his heart beat strong and sturdy, it comforts me and i sink into his chest and rest for but a moment, he pushes me away and leaves, I drop to my knees wondering why, I then see you come closer, closer then ever before you put your hand on my shoulder and then take me into an embrace, you soothe my soul, you rest my heart, you elliviate the pain I feel, you stop the fear from taking over. you have been my steadfast comfort from letting go completley. Even now in your arms I cant help but know its only for a moment and soon you will be gone, you are not mine nor will your ever give me that kind of chance. I am done searching, I dont want to be lost in this darkness anymore. I hear a loud banging and my ears ring as the sound gets louder, i close my eyes and when I open them again I find myself in my bed, snuggled into my pillow not wanting to let go of the feeling of being in your arms, if only im my dreams, you will always be my heart, and you will always live in my soul. The reality of life sinks in and I sink back into the light of the sun outside my window, I sit up and gaze out teh window to the dew spakling on the grass still holding tight to my pillow, pondering the wonderful day God has made for us today, wondering what blessing he has in store, a magpie rests on the barbedwire fence and sings a earie song as a fox gracefully balances his way across the fence. the sun shines brighter but I just soak up its warmth and remeber that God loves me and if I let go of evrything else and turn to him the light will always be there, searching through the darkness to find his lost children. Even though the darkness is evrywhere he can bring us back into the light.

I shutter at the thought of the visitors in my dream and remeber that one of them at least is my best friend, and even though I will always be in love with him and I wont always be able to be around him He will forever be the biggest part of my life, My hero when I wanted to die, and a pillar of strength who helped me in some of the hardest times, someone I used to laugh with, someone who used to make me smile (even though now he makes me sad), some one who i used to like to talk to for hours, someone who reminded me to remeber who I am, I know my feelings for him will never change now matter how much I try to change them. All I know is that I need to get back to who I am, to find my way out of this darkness and find my way back to the light.

The nightmares of my sleeping world are my reality, they are the truth at the heart of my soul, my heart beats only to the music in my head. music is the water to my thirsty soul, a moment in time cant pass when the music isnt playing, If the music ever stopped I would lose my soul and heart, I hacve thought about pushing stop and just let it die, to let my heart stop beating, but I enjoy the music to much, I want to share it with the world, I will someday become the woman I need to be, SOMEDAY...

maybe....

but how much more of a nightmare can one girl endure, how much fear, and sorrow and darkness can one girl endure in her lifetime.... before it becomes to much and she completely lets got and gives into the dark, and entirely forgets what the sunshine felt like, forgets how the stars shined, and forgets how the moonlight danced across her skin, how much until reality becomes a neverending nightmare...and the music becomes haunting...

Jumped a track and its time to get back!

Well it has been a year I am down 100 lbs and I have been on a bit of a break the last few months. I was exhausted and tired and needed time for myself. Like a train I jumped the track. and just like that train its gonna take some crazy effort to get back on. I am gonna need to push myself even harder for the next few months just so I can get down to a weight so that I can get my plastic surgery done! helping me get back on track like the crane that will left that train back up is the running club and training for a half marathon in March! I am super excited and looking forward to that finish line after 13 miles! I am enjoying running now and excited about what kind of doors will be opened to me once i complete my weight loss goals, ( cross the finish line) and get my surgery done... I am getting back on track in my spiritual life to I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of  Latter Day Saints and have been struggling withsome moral issues and now I am repenting and getting back on track, I am a full tithe payer and I am preparing myself to be temple worthy. I have started reading my scriptures and am learning to include heavenly father in my life decisions! blessing are everywhere in everything even our trials are blessing just got to remeber that and keep moving forward with gratitude. I am a derailed train slowly getting back up on the track and soon will be barreling down those tracks and into a great future!

The looking glass reflects the realities of life

There are moments in life when you look at certain aspects of life.
I have been sitting here trying to figure things out.
I have been pondering some interesting things, I mean ok, A guy and a girl can be amazing friends, trust each other, talk for hours, enjoy spending time together whether its going out and dancing, hanging out with friends, sitting and playing video games, or just sitting for hours and listening to music and nothing else.I find it funny how you can love everything about a person but still not love them or want to be "with" them.
stopping to look into the looking glass the reality sets in, our society has placed SOOO much emphasis on the way we look. Looking into the mirror I find myself scrutinizing everything, I find myself dwelling on how much more weight I need to lose and not on how much I have achieved already.

I look and think how many girls are in my same situation being in love with someone they will never bne with.

I sit and ponder this: why is that a girl can be a guys best friend and he talks about what he wants in a girl, someone he can talk to and laugh with, someone that is adventurous and like to be outdoors, someone who wears their makeup a certain way or dresses and certain way or even will sit and listen to music or play video games for hours. BUT... even though you and him to that all the time and his "girl" has all the same attributes you have, He wont choose you, you have everything he is looking for EXCEPT: how you look.

as i peer into the looking glass everyday that reality reflects back to me... that I have all the qualifications he wants in a girl, BUT... becuz I am not that skinny "HOT" girl he is looking for he doesnt want  to actually be in a relationship with me. looking at myself all I can do is think that Im not good enough and that takes me back to dwelling on what I need to lose... what I need to change... makes up some lame excuses... OMG! really... but I have to give him credit for at least being upfront and honest about it right....

I try to focus on me, I know who I am, I have my identity , but I have one big piece of clutter still left in my life... The clutter that I am never gonna be good enough until I am skinny, until I become that "hot" girl, that perfect girl, that one that he wants....

The one that most guys want, being raised in a society where looks are the basis of a relationship, and even when you get to know a person and they have all the personality qualities you are looking for you still dont accept them beacause they may be overweight...

so when i peer into the looking glass the reality that has been reflecting to me the past few weeks is that I have a long way to go before being accepted, before I will be close enough to even think you may look at me different. I have loved you long enough, I owe you the world for showing me my heart again.

I will say this I am tired of the shallowness and superficialness that I am surrounded by, being a girl in my position being in love with someone who will never love her back is devestating and lonely... it sucks and I cant take it anymore

TWO STONES ONE BIG STAINED GLASS LIFE

life can be as fragile as a stained glass window at times. Think about it we work through life picking out the good times and keeping them to get us through adding these beautiful pieces to our window and when one breaks or the piece doesnt fit we set it aside and continue on to the next piec in order to complete the big picture that the window should become, like and image of christ, modeling our lifes so that each piece in the end will come as close to a resemblence of the christs life was. we may not always have the exact pieces but they can come close. and at times we may lose some pieces and have to search for them. Then when we finally get it done things are looking great and we put the window out on display to share with the world and set an example, working hard to protect it from the bumps in the road as we transport it  place to place just to arrive at a destination. a destination we think is safe somewhere we are comfortable, and feel safe and then out of no where two rocks fly out of nowhere and shatter all the hard work you have put into your beautiful window (life) those rocks can represent anything (alcohol, immorality, cussing, drama, gossip, or anything really) its those times when you look at the hard work shattered on the floor with only a little of the window left still clinging on to the frame, and this isnt the first time, everytime you take your window out it gets shattered.

this to me is like life, people overexaggerate things that were said, friends talk about friends behind their backs yet when caught deny it to their face. friends leave other friends out, feelings get hurt, things get blown out of proportion, people make other people feel stupid, fake or inadequate, feelings get hurt, people give into temptations and allow their inhibitions go, regret sets in afterwards and can eat away at a persons soul, people let the words and actions of others bring them down, stress them out and build up inside with a feeling of worthlessness. some people relapse to hurting themselves to feel better, whether they hurt themselves mentally or physically its still damaging.

hearing "your fat" or being rejected or judged because you are overweight takes its toll over time, leads to eating disorders and other addictions to heal from the pain that is caused. people in need of a release form overwhelming pain will turn to other things that will hurt worse and just cause more pain in the end I know from expeirence.

I talked to an old friend today who gave me some good advice and really uplifted my spirits from the Drama that is going on and from the pain and stress I have been dealing with the last couple months. he said to me " dont let the actions and words of others dictate how you feel about yourself, you are who you are and ou my dear are a beautiful smart daughter of god." we talked awhile and we discussed how hearing that you are no good enough, not pretty enough or not skinny enough can take its toll on a person and it was nice to hear (from a guy) " that you are smart enough, and you are beautiful thats for sure..." it was a little sunshine in a day that started out with clouds, fog, thunder lightning, a hurricane, a tornado, a few eathquakes, and a wildfire. Im glad I was able to have a conversation with someone who lives no where near here, and who always has positivity and love. I am grateful for heavenly father for giving me that sunshine today. he also bore his testimony of the church to me and helped me to realize that all I really need in life is my testimony and my faith, and everything else will fall into place as it should, I vow from this day forward to work my hardest to stay true to my faith, read my scriptures and follow the doctrines and the holy spirit.

I believe that everytime someone throws a rock through our beautiful stained glass windows of life, everytime we put forth the effort to rebuild it we make it that much stronger so that each time a rock is thrown again less and less of the window breaks and it is easier to fix/mend each time, unti leventually we will have built our windows (lives) so strong that nothing will be able to break it and it will last on into eternity with us!

I love you all
I know the LDS church is true
I know the scriptures can help guide us through the trials (blessings) in life
I know that we become stronger everytime we fall and get back up
I have a testimony of the greatness of the atonement of christ
I know heavenly father knows each of us individually and loves us all personally
in jesus name
AMEN!

as the white owl flies at night

So I decided to update my blog and lately I have seriously been dwelling on one thing. I have been Engrossed in White Owls and their symbolism.

Let me explain. Every night as I am driving no matter where I am A white owl flies along with my car and then takes off. This has been going on for a long time. I have encountered White owls my entire life Even when I am out walking at night I have seen white owls. So I decided to study them and their symbolism in different cultures.

Greeks, Romans, and Celts used the White Owl as symbol of:

Psychic Powers
Spirituality
The Angel of Death
The "Goddess" of night
Asian and European cultures used the Owl as a symbol of Wisdom and spiritualism.
I also found some interesting connections: My name Jennifer is derived from the ancient name Guinnevere and I tied that to King Arthur's Queen Guinnevere's name = "White Shadow" - Her symbol was the White Owl. I found that fanscinating

I have also found that a white owl is the messenger of death in alot of cultures which is a little scary since i see them every night.

I have also found another interesting point that in African culture the Owl Represents Wizardry and or witchcraft.

The white owl does not scare me I have come to adopt it as my spirit animal as my dear friend. I will always keep white owls close to my heart. They are wise beautifu land majestic.

If you have heard anything interesting about white owls let me know add a comment below...

Tommorow will be a better day and the sun will shine

Recently I had a discussion with a guy who had become one of my best friends, we had bceome really really close. My mistake is that I fell for him, not at first but after the first time we kissed I fell for him, I told him how I felt but decided we would jsut be friends. I was ok with that, I slowly got over liking him, but... then it that all changed, we made out adn i was like well what the heck, you dont make out with your "friends", I thought ok maybe this was just a one time thing caught up in the moment thing, but it happened 2 more times after that, and holding hands like we did was not something "friends" do, I was confused at what was going on, asked myself "what are we doing?" "what are we?" so I decided to find out, well yeah stepped in a pile of crap on that one, he made me feel like it was my fault, I think i remeber it being said that he believed what we were doing was wrong and he was just going along with me... WTF is that.... Whatever, the only thing that matters is that I love myself, I think thats what makes this time harder, because I have found respect and love for myself and thought that maybe just someone else did too, like me as more than a friend, I Love myself and to let myself get hurt was a mistake I should have prepared for. BUT... at least I am learning lessons, I was told that every trial and every breakdown we have in life is a new begining a time to start new and begin with a clean slate. My best friend of the last what i think 6 yrs told me last night that its time to stop trying to help everyone else and to help myself and focus on me, So I know he is right and its time for me to refocus and not lose sight of my goals. He also told me that I need to figure out what i want in life and figure out how to get it, well I thought about it, and the one thing i want I know i can never have, but career wise my dreams and goals of becoming a Singer will come true, I will make the sacrifices that are needed to become the one thing I have only dreamed of being. I realized this morning as I looked at before and after photos from last year to this year That I am freakin hot! I mean I look amazing, and After i reach my final goal weight and get some palstic surgery done in January Watch out is all I have to say. the funny thing is, even though Im still in love with my best friend, I am learning to live with it and make it something different, I am going to allow myself to leave my comfort zone, I am gonna get out and see the world, I read some of the book of mormon this morning and read about temples and realize that I do still have a testimony, I know that the my choice of being  LDS was the right one, I know that the church is true and that I am more able to cope with things being a member and having something to believe in, I  Do BELIEVE with all my heart, Change is coming and its for the better!

in the words of Dolly Parton

NOW WE DONT KNOW WHAT HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE

BUT WEVE SEEN ENOUGH HELL RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW

BUT WHEN THE ROAD IS THE ROUGHEST

AND THE PROBLEMS ARE THE TOUGHEST

OR WHEN THE TIMES ARE THE HARDEST

AND THAT OLE SKY IS THE DARKEST

YOU GOTTA KEEP THE FAITH CUZ I BELIEVE THERES A BETTER DAY

AND THOSE OL BLUES WHY THERE JUS GONNA ROLL RIGHT ON AWAY

I KNOW THEY ARE LISTEN TO ME

ALL THATS BLUE AINT SKY AND SEA

SOME OF THAT BLUES BOUND TO GET ON ME

BUT THE BLUES DONT COME TO STAY

THEYLL MOVE AWAY ON A BETTER DAY

TROUBLES AND WOES AND MISERY

AINT GONNA GET THE BEST OF ME

LIFT THE SHADES FIX MY GAZE

ON A BETTER DAY CLEAR AWAY

BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD

WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED

WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD

THERES A BETTER WAY THERES A BRIGHTER DAY

OH THERES A BETTER DAY WITH CLEARER SKIES

HOPE AND PROMIS ON THE RISE

OH THE FUTURE WELL ITS LOOKIN BRIGHT ON A BETTER DAY

LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY

THERES A BETTER DAY

BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD

WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED

WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD

THERES A BETTER DAY THERES A BETTER DAY

OH ALL THATS BLUE IT AINT SKY AND SEA

SOME OF THAT BLUES GONNA FALL ON ME

OH THE FUTURES LOOKIN BRIGHT

THERES A BETTER DAY LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY

THANKS DOLLY FOR THIS SONG

THANKS TO MY BEST FRIEND <3

THANKS TO HEAVENLY FATHER FOR BEING THERE AND LOVING ME EVEN AFTER I STRAY FROM THE PATH.

I AM THANKFUL FOR REPENTANCE AND THE ATONEMENT OF CHRIST

ITS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD, ONWARD, AND UP WARD, TIME TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS AND RIDE IT TILL IT BREAKS, I WILL ACCOMPLISH EVERYTHING I SET FORTH TO DO AND I WILL SHOW EVERYONE THAT I AM NOT A FORCE TO MESS WITH

I AM AN AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, LOYAL, GENUINE, ENCOURAGING, LOVING, CARING, DEVOTED, DEDICATED, SUPPORTING, HUMOROUS, ADVENTUROUS, SPONTANEOUS, LOCQUACIOUS, ENERGETIC, MUSICAL, ROMANTIC, SEXY YOUNG WOMAN

WHO WILL NOW NOT LET ANYTHING STOP HER!