The fight between good and evil...

I have come to find that i am constantly in a struggle with myself.
an internal fight of good and evil.
its like there are two voices in my head on telling me that I can and that I am worth it.
but the other much stronger telling me that I dont deserve anything.

As i sit and write I have come to the decision I would like to share with you my readers the stuggle I go through everyday, and the thoughts that run through my head day to day. Its been a long process to make this decision but I think its time to share with my readers.

here are examples of the things that run through my mind day to day. I know there is no logic to them but the thoughts are still hard to fight when they are so loud and strong and day to day they change.

" You worthless excuse for a human why do you even try"
"you dont deserve to be pretty, you dont deserve to work out, you are ugly and that wont ever change, you should just eat until you die"
"you are an ugly pig, you should hide in a corner and never leave it"
"you cant do anything right, you will never accomplish anything your ugly piece of  s#@&"
" you are untalented you should just give up now, you will never make a difference"
"you cant help anyone you are useless, no one likes you, they all hate you and laugh at you"
" why would you even think that guy would be interested in a fat cow like you, you gross ugly heffer!"
" quit, give up, your a loser and dont deserve to be happy"
" you need to be punished for being so ugly and fat"
"you cant work out your weak"
"You cant do that work out, your fat and disgusting so you shouldnt try you will always be that way nothing will change that"

as i write out the feelings in a journal I try and force myself to recognize the lies, but the stronger the evil (SHE) gets the harder "SHE" is to fight.

as as if I am at war inside myself.

A great friend gave me a book that is helping me to feel comfort to know and understand im not alone in this struggle, I am really enjoying the book and hope I can find a way to fight harder.

but right now I am trying to rely on my heavenly father for help but "SHE" tells me that its useless because I am beyond salvation, that I can never be fogiven, that I am a bad person who deserves to not be forgiven or helped.

I am trying to get my life back on track. I need to get back to reading my scriptures althought it is hard to focus i am reading more everyday.

I need to pray often for Heavenly Fathers Love and help, I know he is there but it gets hard sometimes.

although I struggle everyday I need to keep fighting, Endure to the end, and continue to help those who are in need.

I know I have a great adventure and plan for my future so I need to get ready and prepare.

thanks for reading, I just felt the need to share with you what I am going through to help you understand me just a little bit more.

I love you all and I am here if anyone needs anything.

Take care and remeber Heavenly Father loves you!

ENDURE TO THE END

Im gonna keep fighting this war as long as I have to... win or lose!

The pursuit of the elusive unicorn.

As I search for the elusive unicorn. I see a beautiful world, full of life, full of goodness, full of potential. I look in the mirror and for the first time, I see all those things in me. I see the beautiful woman standing in front of me, a woman with so much potential that its scary, a woman that is so full of life when she is happy that people cant help but smile and be happy in her presence, I see and influential member of society who WILL make big changes in the world in the future. I see the woman I am and the woman I will be someday.

Who am I and who will I be:
I am talented
I am loving
I am sensitive to peoples needs
I am goal oriented
I am driven
I am loyal
I am supportive
I will be a great mother
I will be a great wife
I will cook dinner for my family
I will raise my family in the Gospel of Christ
I will bake with my family
I will go on spontaneous trips with my husband and family
I will love my future husband with everything I am
I will give my future husband back and foot massages
I will make a huge change in the world and be an influential member of society
I will be a great role model and example to the world

Even amongst the rejection and the feelings of low self worth I am climbing out of a hole, I will find the light and tak of running. Even amongst the Shallow, self indulgent, superficial males I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by I am coming to find my own and realizing I am so much better than they are because I can see past the false beauty to what really matters, WHO I AM INSIDE...thats all that matters. I finally know that despite not being good enough for those guys that I Love, The propably dont deserve me anyways, but not only that they wouldnt be prepared or man enough to be my husband anyways.

I have found the elusive unicorn and it does exist... INSIDE ME.. My heart is unique, my soul is unique, my love is unique, my personality is all my own, I am amazing, I am beautiful, I am majestic, and have so much to offer to the right person, I will have patience and with Heavenly Fathers guideance and love I will find my way. I will conquer all my (blessings) trials, and I will become the woman he has planned for me to be!

Icing on the cake

Well I have never been a materialistic person. I never find jo in buying things, or having things purchased for me. I am always a careful shopper and never really buy stuff that is not a nessecitity.
I always feel bad when others buy me stuff because until now I never felt like I deserved anyone to buy me anything.I have come to start to realize my potential, and finally knowing who I and realizing what great self worth I have. I now know that I deserve alot more than I allow myself to have.

I went shopping last night to buy a new jacket and ended up with a great coat, two pairs of amazing shoes, and a blue shirt ( a color I normally would not wear) but I love them all. I came to realize last night ( Thanks to an amazing friend and amazing young man) that its ok to let people do something for you. Its ok to let people spend money on you. It kinda made me force myself to realize that I am special, That I do deserve to be treated, instead of always treating others.

The clothes only excentuate the person who wears them, Its funny how looking good can make a person have so much more confidence. I felt like I could stop a crowded room and have all eyes on me. I felt like I was walking on the moon. I felt like I could touch the stars. I was happy, its funny to look and think, It wasnt so much the "THINGS" that were bought but the confidence, the love, the hope, the excitment and the things I learned that have made me happy. Its not the materials that life is made out of its how we wear them....

Game Over You Lose

So recently I have been taking inventory on the "CLUTTER" in my life.
Sorting thru the mess that I am surrounded by and figuring out how to clean it.

Recently I have some amazing spiritual moments.
I have grown and matured so much.
I am glad to finally know who I turly am without the "CLUTTER" and Who I can become.
I know a little about what my future has in store for me and what great things lie ahead. They wont be easy but I am prepared!
I am 26 and too old to sit around and play games with people. I need to focus on my future and figure out what people are going to be there. I need to figure out what people are ready for what is in store for me and who will be strong enough to endure it with me and support me through it.
I need to focus on finding my eternal companion, someone who will support me in all my endevours, travel the world with me, raise a family centered around the teachings of Christ, some one who will love me for all that I am, and be there for me in all that I will do.
I need to start thinking about my future family and I am preparing for them now.
I am 26 years old and I am an amazing young woman, a choice daughter of God, and I DO NOT deserve to have my heart played with and my emotions messed with. I deserve to be treated with respect and intergity, and most of all honesty. I deserve the best.

So I am done playing Games
My heart is not a toy.
My love is not a game.
You had your chance for something that would have been amazing.
You are losing the most amaazing woman you met.
You are too blind to see the great blessing God has given you.
I am sorry
I could have loved you.
But if this was a game
you lost
GAME OVER

let me introduce you to... " ME!"

Hi I am Jenn!

I am Mormon!

ok ok so you want to know more well here it goes..I figure its about time people get know who I really am..

If I were going to put myself into a catagory it would be " Jack of all Trades, Master of None"

Let me explain. I love to do so many things, Draw, Sing, Dance, Paint, Drive, Build things, Pottery, Ceramics, Writing, and so much more... but im not really all that outstadning in any of them, I have never actually spent enough time to cultivate any of them

Well lets see I graduated in 2003 and after that I went to Spain for a month on an educational tour! it was awesome. I love to travel and if I could travel for the rest of my life I would!

after that I started at MJC where I had no clue what I wanted to major in, and to be honest here 8 years later almost 9 I still dont know what I want to get a degree in, I am currently on my 5 major and my 3rd school. I am currently majoring in Graphic Design with a Minor in Photojournalism. Theres another on I love taking pictures! or having my picture taken ;) LOL.

lets see some things I love.. I warn you I am a DORK! I love cartoons, you know, Looney Tunes, Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Elmer Fudd, Old Mickey Mouse, SUPERMAN!!!! batman beyond, almost any comic book one, I love to watch those chessey disney channel movies they come out with every month, as much as I love to watch the history channel, Mythbusters, and ocassionally an episode of the Jersey Shore. I like to watch Ghost Adventures and paranormal stuff. I enjoy cuddling up with a good fantasy novel and reading about vampires, and wherewolves, elves, giants, unicorns and whatever other creatures are around. I lvoe Star Trek and Star Wars..I love old movies, Shirley Temple, Singing in the Rain, OH and BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO ARE AWESOME!. I could sit and watch disney movies, maybe just one a day though. I like to explore new places and even if I am scared I still like to try new things. I call my self adventurous and quite spontaneous, I would pick up right now and go on vacation if I had the money... I dont need to plan it, the fun things happen when there hasnt been a plan!

I love Italian food, I love to bake, I like to make cakes, I want to learn to cook better.I dont like milk chocolate but do love Dark Chocolate. I dont like twizzlers, They are a chip rip off of Red Vines, I lvoe nachos, and I love chinese food. I try not to eat alot of sugar so when I bake I give it all away, I bake alot when I am stressed out or worried.

I like to play chess, and risk both fun games! I like to play sports, soccer Volleyball, basketball, football! I love it! not a fan of watching it though but the superbowl is cool, and hockey is always fun! I would rather be playing tho! I also like to go fishing.

I love the piano, I would love to be able to play but I would much rather sit and listen to someone else play it calms me and make me smile! <3 <3 music is a big huge part of my life! I just finished writing my first song completed! woo woo! i cant wait to record a demo, I finished writing the song at the LDS Temple grounds in Oakland

I love to read comic books, as much as I like to play video games. but as much as I love video games, I Love being outside, sitting basking in the sun, out at the lake camping, and boating,

down at the beach playing frisbee or football, up in the mountains exploring old towns and hiking, or going horseback riding.

I am fasinated by guns and love to go out shooting, even if that is using airsoft or now i found i rather like paintball.

I love spending time with people, if I could I would do something every night so I could spend time with friends, geocaching, board games, other random games, swimming, walking, whatever spending time interacting with people is important to me. I love boomers and funworks I love go carts and putt-putt Golf, I love arcade games and winning those tickets that really doesnt get you much of anything, I love stuffed animlas and have quite a collection in containers for my future children each with its ouwn story and sentimental value,

I have a collection of barbies too, yes I still play barbies with my niece, So what its good for an active imagination, I have a collection of Superman stuff too its displayed in my room.

 I love to play in the irrigation water and with my dogs, I love to get dirty mud is awesome for the skin, I want to learn to work on cars more than i already do, I am not afraid to get my hands dirty.

My mind is always active so I try to do stuff all the time, because I get bored quite easily, I enjoy talking, maybe too much! but hey whatever, I could talk for days! ok maybe not that much... but I do love to talk.

I have dealt with depression my whole life and struggled with my self image forever, I have always hated how I looked and am making changes now.

 I dealt with bullying my whole life, being teased and made fun of. That negitive stuff is hard to get rid of but I am decluttering my mind and getting rid of all that false stuff taht has been built up, I can be and will be happy with who I am and I am actually starting to be. I through myself into service projects to help others so that I can see that my struggles are nothing compared to theirs, I know that I am capable of helping others and feel I should as much and as long as I am able to do so.

I may be a dork, I may be a nerd, I may not be a sexy Hot woman, but I am beautiful,

I may love to much but that is who I am, I Love with all my heart and am loyal to those I call my friends. I am always there when anyone needs help. I may not be a tidy OCD clean person but I am clean, I may not seem all that innocent but I am , there are things I have no clue what people are talking about, and I am completley ok with not knowing. I am creative and imaginative, I am spontaneous, and ambitious, I have big dreams well actually I have big goals, because dreams are just that dreams but Goals will be accomplished. I will be a country singer someday and receive an award, I want to meet Dolly Parton and sing a song with her and record it.

 I want to get married in the LDS Temple, I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints and I have a testimony of Gods Gospel and his love for all his children. I want to have children and raise a family.

I learned from the past, I have fun in the present and I dream of my future!

Hi I am Jenn......

This was the real me

It is a pleasure to meet you!

WHO KNEW HE WAS MY KRYPTONITE

THIS SUPERGIRL HAS FALLEN RATHER ILL.
the stress of letting go of an amazing best friend, the guy I am so in love with, The guy who would never feel the same, the guy who was always there for me and could always make me smile when the clouds of sadness were rolling in, the guy who would straighten me out when I was heading down the wrong path.

Yes he is my kryptonite, whether I stay his friend and endure the pain of being in love with someone whom I can never be with, or I endure the pain of letting go of my best friend. This kryptonite has left me week and ill... physically anad mentally drained. I have been pushing  through pretending that I am OK... but its all catchin up with me... This Supergirl has fallen so hard that my physical self is weak and has fallen ill.

I pray I can overcome this kyrptonite and come out a stronger more powerful young woman!

SINKING SOUL BROKEN HEART

Well that was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life.. one week ago I told my best friend that it was time to part ways. It took everything I had to tell him. I know that my love for him will not change, and I know that it was not a healthy relationship pretending that we were ok. I know that we would never be together I know that would only be friends, I wasnt dilussional I just fell in love with him despite his flaws cuz i even fell in love with those...Lol.... The heartache of being his friend, however has been eating away at me for awhile. Its like being allergic to your favorite food and keeping it in the fridge where you see it everyday, haunting you, taunting you, but you can never have it.. the decision needed to be made, and hopefully it was the right decision. I am not handling my own decision very well, however, I feel as though my soul is sinking into a dark hole and I shattered my own heart into a million pieces. Im just glad that I am good at puzzles but I am starting to wonder that in making this decision did I lose a piece of my heart? only time will tell where the roads will go, and what will be waiting when we get there. I will, for now, move forward in life knowing how amazing I am and knowing what he is missing out on, I will carry on and lean on my faith in God to carry me through this difficult time. I will prepare my self for te amazing future I know awaits me. I will always love and care for him, I will never forget all the amazing time we spent together, I will never forget how much he helped me and all the hard times he was there for me. I just wish there was another way but my love for him is making me crazy and jealous, and its not healthy... I will miss him greatly, I feel like I died in side the day I said goodbye.. but i guess I am getting a few great songs out of it... farewell my friend, I Love you with all my heart and soul. I know you prolly wont read this but by the slight chance you. Im sorry I fell in Love with you...
This will just make me stronger... I will overcome and survive...
I will be ok again!