Tuesday, October 25, 2011

echos in the caverns of my mind

just like the music that plays nonstop inside my head. Your voice haunts me with every breathe I take. I remeber every footstep tread. I hold on for my hearts sake. The endless love I have for you. will it ever go away. I ask myself what to do. but my heart has nothing to say. Its breaking slowly, a little more every day. every time i see your face. I want to run away. and leave forever without a trace. our friendship means the world to me. but i ponder if i can take it anymore. knowing we can never be. hurts and kills me to my core. My tortured soul cries for you. but i can never let it show. there is nothing i can do. but to let you go. It's funny how society shapes our perceptions and our lives. I live in a world that tells me I'm a cow... I'm fat. And because of that Im not good enough to date. I know guys are visual creations its all about how skinny is she boobs butt whatever but few want to date a fatty. Seriously. The thoughts that run thru my head echo thru my soul and puncture my heart. I will never be that girl... I will never be good enough, skinny enough, have the right butt or whatever. Well I am beautiful I know this but still not to society standards of acceptable. You would never have given me a Chance. It's a sad sick reality but it happens The echoes in the cavern of my mind remind me that the love I have is just not strong enough. It's the pain of living. And growing. It's time to change try to be a new.person. try and time to be confident in myself. And so thru the.echo I hear let's conquer the world.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The nightmares of reality



As the night falls I find myself falling into a state of peaceless rest. The turning of a clear night sky into a cloudy grey night. I find my eyes focus through the darkness and see a face. searching for a reason as to the dreary change of the night. I can remeber a time when a sunny bright day when the sun would reflect off my glowing hair would turn into a night that was still and peaceful, when there were no clouds, when the stars smiled down upon me and the moonlight danced across my skin. alas those days have dissapeared and now all there is is darkness. I try hard to remeber those times to pray and plead for the sun and moonlight to come back to me once again, for the clouds to leave. I find myself crying as the fear creeps up my spine as I stand in a place unknown to my soul and heart. as I look your face is there in the distance obscured by the darkness, you haunt me. I am alone and stuck unable to move paralyzed by fear that I will lose my way if I move, but I fear if I dont move I will forever be stuck in this darkness that has engulfed me in its arms. I reach for your hand but you taunt me, pretending that you are there, reaching back but always keeping just out of reach, your smile is comforting but at the same time it kills me, because I have no smile left in my own eyes. there are times when you dissapear and I think maybe you are gone forever, finally decided to leave me and forget about me, but you always come back, there at the edge of the view in this darkness, I know you, you are someone I love, someone I can never let go of, someone that I will never forget, your face, your smile, your sarcasm, your laugh, but mostly your strong masculine voice, I hear you speak, but I am not listening, my head is wrapped around the sinking feeling in my soul, I kneel in hopes you will just come rescue me or put me out of my misery once and for all. My heart beats to the sound of the music that ringes through my head but how long before the music dies and my heart stops beating. I feel a hand someone else has come into this place, someone who sits next to me and listens to the music in my head, comforts my fearful soul, his hand graces my face with its touch, the palms of a cold hand, I shiver as the cold sweeps down across my neck and to my shoulder. I shutter under the heaviness the touch brings to my soul, the touch becomes harder. the face at the edge of the darkness is gone... where did you go why did you leave me!... the man who sits here with me now as I feel abandoned, his eyes are dark and empty, i try to move but his hand on my shoulder hold me I am caught up in the emptiness of his gaze wondering where it goes, I am mesmerized by this new sensation, but the weight of his hand on me begins to make me fall, i try to hold myself up right but I cant i fall back into the mud, I scream not knowing what to do... I see a flash of light from the distance, it grows closer and brighter, the man is distractd by the light that is coming to save me I can hear them call my name, the man loosens his grip and I run toward the light if only for a moment i reach the edge of the light and am comforted but for a moment, then a hand reaches for my and holds it tight as the light slowly departs from my feet and the darkness grows I focus on the light but the hand i am holding is warm and comforting, I turn to see a captivating face, something interesting and mesmerizing about his smile, the touch of his warm habd is strong and comforting, I never want to let go, but there is something in his eyes, there is a light but it is dim, and as he speaks there is a hint of danger radiating from the words, I look past and see the face at the edge of the darkness again just watching, I smile knowing you are still out there somewhere, my heart stops to see you frown, the warm hand lets go and I am jolted back to the man in front of me, his engulfs me in his strong warm arms, ambraced by him I feel his heart beat strong and sturdy, it comforts me and i sink into his chest and rest for but a moment, he pushes me away and leaves, I drop to my knees wondering why, I then see you come closer, closer then ever before you put your hand on my shoulder and then take me into an embrace, you soothe my soul, you rest my heart, you elliviate the pain I feel, you stop the fear from taking over. you have been my steadfast comfort from letting go completley. Even now in your arms I cant help but know its only for a moment and soon you will be gone, you are not mine nor will your ever give me that kind of chance. I am done searching, I dont want to be lost in this darkness anymore. I hear a loud banging and my ears ring as the sound gets louder, i close my eyes and when I open them again I find myself in my bed, snuggled into my pillow not wanting to let go of the feeling of being in your arms, if only im my dreams, you will always be my heart, and you will always live in my soul. The reality of life sinks in and I sink back into the light of the sun outside my window, I sit up and gaze out teh window to the dew spakling on the grass still holding tight to my pillow, pondering the wonderful day God has made for us today, wondering what blessing he has in store, a magpie rests on the barbedwire fence and sings a earie song as a fox gracefully balances his way across the fence. the sun shines brighter but I just soak up its warmth and remeber that God loves me and if I let go of evrything else and turn to him the light will always be there, searching through the darkness to find his lost children. Even though the darkness is evrywhere he can bring us back into the light.
I shutter at the thought of the visitors in my dream and remeber that one of them at least is my best friend, and even though I will always be in love with him and I wont always be able to be around him He will forever be the biggest part of my life, My hero when I wanted to die, and a pillar of strength who helped me in some of the hardest times, someone I used to laugh with, someone who used to make me smile (even though now he makes me sad), some one who i used to like to talk to for hours, someone who reminded me to remeber who I am, I know my feelings for him will never change now matter how much I try to change them. All I know is that I need to get back to who I am, to find my way out of this darkness and find my way back to the light.

The nightmares of my sleeping world are my reality, they are the truth at the heart of my soul, my heart beats only to the music in my head. music is the water to my thirsty soul, a moment in time cant pass when the music isnt playing, If the music ever stopped I would lose my soul and heart, I hacve thought about pushing stop and just let it die, to let my heart stop beating, but I enjoy the music to much, I want to share it with the world, I will someday become the woman I need to be, SOMEDAY...

maybe....

but how much more of a nightmare can one girl endure, how much fear, and sorrow and darkness can one girl endure in her lifetime.... before it becomes to much and she completely lets got and gives into the dark, and entirely forgets what the sunshine felt like, forgets how the stars shined, and forgets how the moonlight danced across her skin, how much until reality becomes a neverending nightmare...and the music becomes haunting...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Jumped a track and its time to get back!

Well it has been a year I am down 100 lbs and I have been on a bit of a break the last few months. I was exhausted and tired and needed time for myself. Like a train I jumped the track. and just like that train its gonna take some crazy effort to get back on. I am gonna need to push myself even harder for the next few months just so I can get down to a weight so that I can get my plastic surgery done! helping me get back on track like the crane that will left that train back up is the running club and training for a half marathon in March! I am super excited and looking forward to that finish line after 13 miles! I am enjoying running now and excited about what kind of doors will be opened to me once i complete my weight loss goals, ( cross the finish line) and get my surgery done... I am getting back on track in my spiritual life to I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of  Latter Day Saints and have been struggling withsome moral issues and now I am repenting and getting back on track, I am a full tithe payer and I am preparing myself to be temple worthy. I have started reading my scriptures and am learning to include heavenly father in my life decisions! blessing are everywhere in everything even our trials are blessing just got to remeber that and keep moving forward with gratitude. I am a derailed train slowly getting back up on the track and soon will be barreling down those tracks and into a great future!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The looking glass reflects the realities of life

There are moments in life when you look at certain aspects of life.
I have been sitting here trying to figure things out.
I have been pondering some interesting things, I mean ok, A guy and a girl can be amazing friends, trust each other, talk for hours, enjoy spending time together whether its going out and dancing, hanging out with friends, sitting and playing video games, or just sitting for hours and listening to music and nothing else.I find it funny how you can love everything about a person but still not love them or want to be "with" them.
stopping to look into the looking glass the reality sets in, our society has placed SOOO much emphasis on the way we look. Looking into the mirror I find myself scrutinizing everything, I find myself dwelling on how much more weight I need to lose and not on how much I have achieved already.

I look and think how many girls are in my same situation being in love with someone they will never bne with.

I sit and ponder this: why is that a girl can be a guys best friend and he talks about what he wants in a girl, someone he can talk to and laugh with, someone that is adventurous and like to be outdoors, someone who wears their makeup a certain way or dresses and certain way or even will sit and listen to music or play video games for hours. BUT... even though you and him to that all the time and his "girl" has all the same attributes you have, He wont choose you, you have everything he is looking for EXCEPT: how you look.

as i peer into the looking glass everyday that reality reflects back to me... that I have all the qualifications he wants in a girl, Im pretty, im adventuraous, we enjoy spending endless hours together even if we arent doing anything,dude he will even make out with me BUT... becuz I am not that skinny "HOT" girl he is looking for he doesnt want  to actually be in a relationship with me. looking at myself all I can do is think that Im not good enough and that takes me back to dwelling on what I need to lose... what I need to change... makes up some lame excuses... OMG! really... but I have to give him credit for at least being upfront and honest about it right....

I try to focus on me, I know who I am, I have my identity , but I have one big piece of clutter still left in my life... The clutter that I am never gonna be good enough until I am skinny, until I become that "hot" girl, that perfect girl, that one that he wants....

The one that most guys want, being raised in a society where looks are the basis of a relationship, and even when you get to know a person and they have all the personality qualities you are looking for you still dont accept them beacause they may be overweight...

so when i peer into the looking glass the reality that has been reflecting to me the past few weeks is that I have a long way to go before being accepted, before I will be close enough to even think you may look at me different. I have loved you long enough, I owe you the world for showing me my heart again.

I will say this I am tired of the shallowness and superficialness that I am surrounded by, being a girl in my position being in love with someone who will never love her back is devestating and lonely... it sucks and I cant take it anymore!!!!

I honestly cant wait till next year and my plastic surgery.... Im so over this