Monday, April 11, 2011

Letter to my heart

Dear" Heart",

      I know you have recently been lead on and broken. I know that there is still something still tugging on your strings, but its time to let go so we can move on. It is time to cut the strings and mend yourself. I know you have many scars and I know that this pain just keeps getting worse each time. I feel the pain you feel "Heart". The emotional and physical attachment we had to him was strong but now that we know the truth and have been rejected we can move on and forward to our plans for the future. I know that the strings are hard to cut but we need to cut them and fall completely before I can help pick you up and start to heal. We cant let him keep pulling us back in to an endless circle of meaningless affections. We cant let ourselves be used to supply the attention that he is needing. Today is a new day and a day to move forward and let go of the pain that we should not have to endure. It is time to get rid of the confusion that he is giving and its time to stop letting him play games with you "Heart". I love you heart and without you I would be nothing. Heart you are so big, and you may care too much sometimes, but its time to let go, its our time to rise and be the amazing person we are. Its time to show the world that We are the most amazing girl they will ever meet, its time to hare our God given talents with the world and share our capacity to love with the world. "Heart" someday we will find the one that will Love us as much as we love them and it will be amazing and it will be for eternity. We deserve so much better than the guy playing games with you "Heart" and we will find him someday.

I love you heart and I will mend you when your finished breaking. The pieces will be put back together soon.
Love always

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

a river of tears through a broken heart

As I sit and ponder the reality that strikes like a hammer to a nail, I realize that in moments like these, I need to remeber what is in store for the future and focus.

As I sat crying as i drove down a dark country road I realized that no matter how many times I go through the same rejection It only gets harder and harder.

As I sat and realized what had happened I wonder why this time it hurt so much worse than the others. Why did this time have to hurt me to my true core, is it because I thought there was something there? is it because of the things we shared? or is it because I gave my entire self to him, showed him the true authentic me, with no walls, no defense, nothing blocking my heart this time? was it because of the things I felt, the possibilities, the potential that was there? I dont know, all I know is that this time was different, maybe it was because I told him, I took that leap of faith before the feelings took control of me, or before anything else happened.

I struggled to let myself open up so much for that moment. I laid my heart and soul out on the line. I knew wha the outcome would be, I knew it would only lead to the same thing that has been said every single time. I looked at that and did it anyway knowing that the words that I would hear, would be the same as i have heard from so many before.

I know rejection It flows through my mind like the tears are flowing through my broken heart.
Like a river of doubt I find myself questioning who I am, but I have to remeber who I am.

I need to focus and remeber how amazing I am, How much I have to offer someone, I need to remeber the endless possibilities I have for myself. I need to remeber that I have a beautiful voice, Im a great cook,  a good artist, I can work on cars, I have a great sense of human, give amazing back massages, im very smart, a quick learner, dedicated, loyal, caring, loving, helpful, and most of all I will love with every inch of myself to make the one i love happy

I need to remeber that I am a hard worker and will accomplish the things that heavenly father needs me to. I will stand in holy places from now on to be sure I can follow his will.

as the river of tears forever runs through my broken heart waiting for the day it will be mended I will push on with a steadfastness in my faith and remeber to hold my head up. Yes I will still cry and I may bake junk food cuz thats what I do when Im upset, but I will get over this rejection that hurt me so deep, and move forward and upward with my plans

Sunday, April 3, 2011

back on track

so keeping with the theme of my day I have come to realize I need to get back on track in my life.

I am so happy with everything I have accomplished in these last two years and I am ready for the amazing future ahead.

My train was derailed for a bit, but It is back on track, As I sat alone at the park today looking out over the water, watching the ducks, fish and birds, as I took in the beauty of the sunshine and felt the cool breeze run through my hair I felt Heavenly Fathers love surround me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I felt as though a peace filled my soul that I have not felt in a long time. I know he is there with me everyday, I know he loves me, but today It was stronger, I have felt as though I might have been losing myself but I realize now that I was just going through another test, I may have made mistakes on the way but I know that with Heavenly Fathers help and with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can be forgiven and find the tracks beneath my feet once again.

As I sit here writing this in the sunshine I am filled with a warmth that as the cool breeze blows makes me feel so comfortable and so at peace with my self and with the world around me. I am Thankful for every expeirence I have ever had, and even more so I am thankful for every hurt I have ever had because without them I would not know the love and peace im feeling in this moment on this beautiful sundayafternoon.

I have said this in a previous post, when you come to the fork in the road make your own path and keep going straight, but I want to add in order to find your way as you go straight, you need a compass and a guide, for em that will be Heavenly Father.

I am thankful for everyone who has been there for me, everyone who supports me, and everyone who has ever hurt me without any of these in my life I would not have made it to this point and I would not be the person I am today. I would not have drive and determination, I would not be as caring and loving, I WOULD NOT BE THE AMAZING WOMAN I AM TODAY.

farewell for today my readers I Love you all!

Looking out the window as the trains pass by

"I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?"

You know I have been thinking about this quote from the movie Inception. It has been on my mind like ants on peanutbutter. I have been pondering the meaning as it pertains to myself and why it has stuck in my brain like gum in my hair. What is so important about this to me. well I am starting to figure it out slowly.

First I think about the first part about waiting for a train the will take you far away, This actually has alot of meaning to me, I am here in California been here my entire life. I want to get away, I want to leave, Im tired of being lonely and I want a "train" to come take me far away from this place, from the heartache and mistakes that are here.

second you know where you want the train to take you but you dont know for sure. This is where i am now, I know where i think, i feel i should be, which is Nashville, But I question myself, Is that really where the train should take me, is that where i should be, Everytime i try and get ready to leave, something pulls me in here. I know where I think i should be but is that really where heavenly fathers train wants me to be going?

Now the last part I just recently realized. (but it doesnt matter, how could it not matter to you?) Well right now I am thinking it doesnt matter what train i get on, Which path i chose because it will end up the same, It JUST DOESNT MATTER.... but then I think about the second part and I realize IT DOES MATTER, There is somewhere specific I need to be, and I need to figure out where that is and follow the path im supposed to fulfill the plans God has for my life, to uplift and love with my heart pure and storng.

I think my problem is that I love to much. I fall too quickly and want to help people too much. I am too caring and those weaknesses keep me on the platform at the train station watching through the windows as the trains pass by me, wishing to get on board, ticket in hand I sit and just watch the people board the trains and then be swept off down the tracks. As I look at my ticket wondering when will it be my turn, how can i get through those doors and just get on that train. Its sitting there out on the side track just waiting................