Tuesday, April 5, 2011

a river of tears through a broken heart

As I sit and ponder the reality that strikes like a hammer to a nail, I realize that in moments like these, I need to remeber what is in store for the future and focus.

As I sat crying as i drove down a dark country road I realized that no matter how many times I go through the same rejection It only gets harder and harder.

As I sat and realized what had happened I wonder why this time it hurt so much worse than the others. Why did this time have to hurt me to my true core, is it because I thought there was something there? is it because of the things we shared? or is it because I gave my entire self to him, showed him the true authentic me, with no walls, no defense, nothing blocking my heart this time? was it because of the things I felt, the possibilities, the potential that was there? I dont know, all I know is that this time was different, maybe it was because I told him, I took that leap of faith before the feelings took control of me, or before anything else happened.

I struggled to let myself open up so much for that moment. I laid my heart and soul out on the line. I knew wha the outcome would be, I knew it would only lead to the same thing that has been said every single time. I looked at that and did it anyway knowing that the words that I would hear, would be the same as i have heard from so many before.

I know rejection It flows through my mind like the tears are flowing through my broken heart.
Like a river of doubt I find myself questioning who I am, but I have to remeber who I am.

I need to focus and remeber how amazing I am, How much I have to offer someone, I need to remeber the endless possibilities I have for myself. I need to remeber that I have a beautiful voice, Im a great cook,  a good artist, I can work on cars, I have a great sense of human, give amazing back massages, im very smart, a quick learner, dedicated, loyal, caring, loving, helpful, and most of all I will love with every inch of myself to make the one i love happy

I need to remeber that I am a hard worker and will accomplish the things that heavenly father needs me to. I will stand in holy places from now on to be sure I can follow his will.

as the river of tears forever runs through my broken heart waiting for the day it will be mended I will push on with a steadfastness in my faith and remeber to hold my head up. Yes I will still cry and I may bake junk food cuz thats what I do when Im upset, but I will get over this rejection that hurt me so deep, and move forward and upward with my plans

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