Tuesday, December 28, 2010


January- I started the year off attending a school in Sacramento Call IADT for Graphic Design. I actually liekt he major its pretty cool. Bridgette and I also attended classes with New Era Trainings there Explore Workshops. Self improvemnet to help better our lives. I got alot out of those classes.

The rest of the year is a blur! it has went by so fast.... McKenna has been growing up. I love my niece and have got to spen alot of time with her.
I traveled alot this year. Nashville, Hawaii, Colorado! WOW!

I started my lifestyle change near the end of the year! Im so happy about it My life was turned around 360. I have been going to the gym since October and couldnt be happier, I have an amazing trainer named Randy Green who has been helping me reach my goals. I have been living and loving my new life.

2010 has been and amazing year of growth both mentally, physically and spiritually.
my testimony has grown in the gospel and I was able to receive my Temple recommend to enter into Gods house which I am so proud of. I have been reading my scriptures and giving lessons at the FHE's. I have a strong testimony of Gods love for me.

This year I have learned to LOVE myself to be able to accept myself and to believe in myself. I am going after my dreams and not going to stop until I reach the top.

I cant wait for 2011 and beyond. I am keeping this positive attitude with an eye to an amazing future that awaits me with Gods help and guidance I can accomplish anything. I am grateful for all my friends who have been there for me when I was at my lowest point and were still there when I reached the other side of the darkness. I am glad to have finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel and I am ready to keep on running. I know there will be more mountains to climb and more tunnels to go thru but I am now ready for anything. I am going to miss those friends who are leaving california for school or missions, and will be welcoming back those coming home. As the wind blows so does life shift and life changes with it. WE must go with the flow and anticipate what will happen next.

Bring it on.. I LOVE YOU ALL. HAPPY NEW YEAR. may you be blessed and may your dreams come true as you work hard to achieve them!

                                                                      WELCOME 2011!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

the road to success is not easy :)

So I have been going to the gym for a few months now! AND I AM VERY HAPPY. I absolutley Love the gym. Get Fit 24/7 is an awesome place with really cool people. its a comfortable environment to go work out in. I like going to the gym, its a new adventure everyday. Randy Green my personal trainer at the Gym is amazing, He is very good and knows what he is doing, Im hope i can gather up enough money so i can start back into training with him again, I totally miss it... YES i said i miss training... yeah it may be hard, adn i may not want to do it when im there and he is telling me what to do, but I know now, from the results I am getting, ( 50 lbs down) that It is SO WORTH IT!!! I would so reccomend the gym to everyone and anyone. Get Fit 24/7 is fun and the staff is great! <3 I met my first fitness goal and im on to my next!

I cant wait to show you all the progress i will have made in one year, I am starting to keep pictures and records of my fitness adventure... STAY TUNED... <3

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Confessions of the unfiltered heart

So thru some meditation and alot of thinking I have finally come to the conclusion and realization that I am ready to write out this Blog.

Through the years there has been only four times I have liked a guy. Yes three years in my "wonderful" 25 (almost 26) years of life! 

lets start back in Jr High.. WOW thats seems like forever ago. :) haha.. well it all startd at a basketball game sitting in the bleachers cheering on the ROSS BEARS!!! Well there was this guy from the other team and he was good looking, Cowboy (of course) and my friend says "hey i think that guy is cute" well so did I but seeing as I had no confidence in myself and lack any self esteem I said to the guy (Bruce) " Hey my friend thinks your cute!" well he came up and chatted with us and they dated after that. I still had a crush on this guy. (WAIT IT GETS BETTER) well they break up and my friend moves away and leaves the school, we hardly talk besides on the phone, Well guess what... her ex then begins attending school... what a coincedence... He remebers me and we quickly become friends as we have much in common... He would become one of my best and closest friends and would not know how deeply I felt for him until later. well I told my friend that we had become friends and she was totally kool with it. she was glad i had found someone to hang out with in her absence. well me and bruce were in choir together and hung out all the time. He dated and talked about all his girl problems with me and I helped him solve all of them. When his girlfirends were busy me and him would go hang out and cruise Mchenry in my truck, go to the drive in, or go hang out with his grandma. I enjoyed every moment we spent together and we shared our ups and downs. We laughed and cried together, and sang endless songs together. we talked endless hours on the phone and sat for hours talking about nothing under the stars. We went to the homecoming game together and had an amazing time, laughing and smiling, I decided it was time to tell him how I felt, he hadnt had a girlfriend in 4 months and I had never dated anyone EVER.. LOL. well we walked around the highschool and sat and talked I told him and he was ok with what I was saying but then his reply shocked me and this is what he said " You are my best friend and I love you too, But I like girls who look a certain way, athletic, skinny and you dont, Im sorry, I dont want to hurt your feelings. Your still my best friend" After that night we slowly grew apart I really didnt want anythign to do with him anymore. I have not talked to him since 2004.

the second one at the time I thought I was head over heels for but now I dont even know wha tI was thinking..LOL I think I was just caught up in the moment.. He was a nice guy. Mormon. Musician. Tall. Handsome. Sweet. Driven. I liked him. I told him. wrote songs about him. and yes he found out I liked him as well and I heard from a good friend of mine that he said a really mean thing that I will never repeat! and I have hated him ever since! so that was my second guy I liked.. LOL but I will admit he was an amazing guitar player.. LOL

the tird guy was short lived and last but a few short months. I thought maybe i could marry this guy but as I was going to move to another state to be with him and date him, he married a much older women like a 40 year old. yeah. but we had an amazing time together on the beaches in Oceanside California where I was for the first table able to feel like a beautiful women, loved for who I really was. love for me. I felt great. we walked the beach had in hand and had a great talk. after her returned home we stayed in touched and I had planned on moving to be near him but then that all changed and he called me out of the blue and said he was engaged and getting married, I was shocked and surprised and deeply saddened. I once again felt lost and as i wasnt good enough.

the fourth and most important guy that I have feelings for and still do. he was my best friend. He means the world to me. I dont think he will ever know how much he changed and effected my life both good and bad. but hey what can I say. I know that when you meet someone you look into there eyes and you can just tell that they are a good person with a good soul and heis one of those people. He has his moments when he can come of as a total and complete Jackass but he is actually one of the greatest guys you will ever know if you get the chance. he is caring, kind, and has the greatest smile. I met him awhile ago at a church activity and at first I was like this guy is so weird until i was actually introduced. Then he tried to hug me, OMG! I hated hugs (back then) and I refused to hug him and opted for a handshake instead. well after that I saw him again at church and other activities and he would constantly try and give me a hug and I would always avoid it... Until one day I didnt :( ugh....) well I havent avoided it since then LOL well maybe a few times but thats a long story i will not go into detail. well he has a great persoanlity that just makes me melt. I have had a conversation with another friend of my about guys and we talked about physical attraction and I taold him that I was in no way physically attracted to this certain individual and he said WHAT!!!! how can you love someone and not be? I said because I DONT CARE!!! IM NOT SHALLOW! like I have said in a blog before, society has been so focused on what people look like taht they forget the substance of what people are! I know that me and the guy that I have loved for the past 3 years will never be together, why? because I can look at the girls he dates, the girls he likes, the girls he looks at and know I CAN NEVER LIVE UP TO THAT. But here I am still in love with him everyday, but it has become so much easier to deal with now knowing who I really am.

I used to cry myself to sleep everynight wishing I could wake up being as beautiful and as skinny as those girls on TV. I thought about becoming anorexic, and so many other things but knew I could get sick. I was unhappy and lost myself. But now I know who I really am! I am very healthy, I am very happy, I am a very beautiful, talented, adventurous, spontaneous, funny, exciting, loving, caring, loyal, respectful, young woman! I would never trade that for anything :)

I guess I could add to here that I did kind of date this guy but I am trying to foget about him and pretend like it never happened because as far as I am concerned althought the lessons I learned from the experiences were priceless I would like to forget them. I didnt really like him at all and I have no Idea why I even put myself in that position in the first place mostly because I was lost and didnt know who I was but that will never happen again!!! thats one history lesson i will never forget and one time history wont repeat itself.. LOL!

HMM lets see....guys I have kissed for real thre have been one, two, three, four guys :) LOL one was at a club on Saint Patricks day in 2006 I think/ one was in 2009 on the beach in Oceanside, CA/ one was my Ex/ and one was because of mistle toe or a dare.
LOVE YOU... these were my confession from my unfiltered heart <3

Friday, October 22, 2010

MED Exams

Its like when your going in to take finals for classes, but you werent given anything to study!

Well I went in and got some testing done on my heart and lower extremities.
I had an Echocardiography done and Lower Extremity Doppler Sonogram and pressure testing done

Lets start with the Echo Cardio first.
Everything came back good. My heart is normal, I have a mild left atrial enlargement but it is absolutley nothing to worry about and the mitral valve is normal and opens adequatley, but does have a trivial mitral reguritation. Also something the doctor says is absolutely nothing to worry about.
She says everything looks fantastic.

When they got back my results for the lower extremity pressure test it was abnormal and they wanted to do further testing so they sent me for a Doppler Sonogram, I finally got the results back today! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!! YAY!!! what a relief! no plaque buildup, no blockage, no restrictions, no closures, and the veins look great.. So I am absolutley RELIEVED!!!!!

ALSO GOOD NEWS!!!  My blood pressure has been steady and NORMAL.
I am eating healthy 1200 Calories a day
Working out 5 days a week twice with a great personal trainer, Pushing myself!!!
Keeping track of all my food intake.
Not eating any sugar
Not drinking any Soda
I havent had a headache in almost THREE WEEKS!!! :)


Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Well I am sure you have all read about my life stories and journeys but let me share a bit about how My life was flipped UPSIDE DOWN.

Ok so you may be thinking... WHOA... having your life flipped upside down isnt such a good thing, Well maybe not unless your life was upside down to begin with? :)

Well that is exactly how mine was, upside down, distorted, confused, whatever you want to call it... I woul like to call it CLUTTERED!!!!

I had lived my life gathering.... gathering bad expiences, bad memories, sad times, harsh feelings, death, holding on to loved ones, holding onto myths about who I was, and not knowing the Facts about who I REALLY AM!!!

But January 2010 came along. I was turning 25!!!! yep 25 years old and I knew it was time to make some changes because the way life was going for me was not right, I was at my lowest point, Lost and spiraling out of control, I didnt know which way was up, down left or right, I was just there in the moment living not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I did know one thing I had to change something before it was too late. I didnt trust anyone. I didnt want to be friends with anyone. I had cut my best friend out of my life completly and didnt trust him. I didnt talk to my family because I didnt trust them I was scared to be close to anyone, because I didnt want to get hurt, because that it what i let myself believe that everyone would just hurt me.

WELL!!!! that has all changed Thanks to some Self Improvement workshops called New Era Trainings. I cant go into detail about anything we did in those classes But they helped me to trust again, They helped me to find out who I truly was. I was able to find my core being, my true self. I became centered in my being. Focused on the future. Happy, Positive, Hopeful. I was able to trust and return to a normal life. I have become an entirely different person then I was a year ago.

Lets compare...                                                                      This YEAR
Last year 
Taking anti depressants                                                               NO MEDS!!!!-
Taking Anti Anxiety pills
Taking High Blood pressure meds
Loss of intrest
Depressed                                                                                   HAPPY
Suicidal                                                              LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE
Hopeless                                                                                    HOPEFUL
reclusive                                                                                  OUTGOING
negitive                                                                                     POSITIVE
losing faith                                                                      STRONG TESTIMONY
bad choices                                                                   CHOOSING THE RIGHT
drinking                                                                                          SOBER :)

And I may have not went through every class that The New Era had to offer but just going throught the first workshops was enough for me, They WERE priceless, I came out with a UNCLUTTERED AUTHENTIC VIEW OF MYSELF! I was also able to stand firmly for my beliefs and standards, From that moment the testimony in my bosom grew and has been blossoming into a beautiful rose. I just need not forget to water it :)

So for me my life was flipped upside down and I was able to declutter all that garbage I was carrying around with me, I was able to find myself inside a wharehouse full of false images, bad memories, and harsh feelings that I had been storing, and I was able to walk out of there hand in hand with my real self finally reconnect and HAPPY!!!!

SO..... even though we cant change the past our attitude about the past can change, we can learn from it, let go and move on.

" Its our Attitude Not our Aptitude That will determine our Altitude!!!"


Friday, October 8, 2010

The unknown path

We all walk this path of life differently. We all encounter different struggles and different people. Some will have a rougher path than others and some will have a nice clear path. God has sent us here to grow and learn as we walk the road of mortality. I have come to find that even though my path has been full of rocks, mountain terrain, brush, thorns, darkness, it has also had its beaches, lake, and beautiful sunshine.
 I have learned alot from the path I have been making, There were times I would stop and just sit in the middle of the road and not want to go any further, That is when my friends path would come across mine, stop awhile pick me up and tell me that I needed to keep on moving. There were moments when I didnt feel Gods presence at those moments i felt the most despair and lost, at those times I felt as life want worth living anymore. I came close to letting go, but in those darkest scariest moments is when I lsiten for music, and it picks me up and draws me to it back out of the darkness. At the times in my youth of endless torture and bullying I found it harder to hear the music but somehow was able to get myself away from the dark thoughts of ending it all and bettering the world because I was not in it anymore. I found that through writing and listening to music I was able to escape the reality of the moment and escape into my dreams. Through walking this rugged path I have strengthened my feet to endure anything that my path has in store for me in the future. I have grown as my UNKNOWN PATH has been revealed moment by moment and day by day. I only recently found the joy of the unknown and cant wait to see what is in store. I have been blessed by the many trial and obstacles I have faced and will continue to grow with each new passing day. The future will be amazing because I will be strong and make the future what I want. If its to be its up to me. I will fight everyday to follow my dreams, I will fight anything and anyone who gets in my way. I am stronger now and am moving into a wonderful unknown future!

like one of my favorite quotes says:
"You cannot dream yourself into a character: you must hammer and forge yourself into one."
Henry D. Thoreau

 (That hammering and forging comes from the trials and obstacles we face throughout our lives, without the lessons we have learned and with out the knowledge of overcoming and growing from thos trials we would noit be ourselves, we would not ...have the drive to move and push forward to accomplish the things we dream of. We will never accomplish our Goals without first endless hard work. I am running full force into the future, I cant wait to see what is in store, BECAUSE ITS GONNA BE AMAZING!)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Life DOES have a soundtrack!

So as previously discussed in recent posts I have been working out 5 days a week and will now soon be starting my 8 sessions with my trainer. I am really excited because this is all part of my plans for the future. WELL!!!!

Imagine if you will 5 years old and you hear this voice, and that voice just happens to be Dolly Parton, and from that point on, for the rest of your life, All you have ever wanted was to be a singer, and like Dolly Parton Share your talents with the world! Well this is my story! I, at 5 years old, heard Dolly and fell in love with music, I didnt know at that point how important music would become to me in the future. I love to sing, I have always loved to sing, Being on stage is the one place where I feel the most comfortable and confident. I Never had self esteem growing up as my previous post about me growing up I was always overweight and hated myself but put me on stage and all of that went away. Had I not had music I probably would not have made it through my teen years. While I was going through depression I threw myself into writing lyrics, random lyrics about how I was feeling, I think that writing out those feelings, helped me to keep myself somewhat grounded and kept me from actually commiting suicide. It created a temporary escape when times got really bad. I keep the lyrics still today to remind me about what I went though to make me the amazing woman I am today, I Learned so much from my past and even though it was hard at the time it shaped me to be who I am. Music has been the most important thing for me, On a normal day you can find me working in my office and singing away to music on the radio, my ipod, or on my computer, in my car driving ill be singing to whatever song is on the radio, walking thru the store, SINGING :) working out i sing, in the shower i sing ( come on who doesnt LOL), Someday I will achieve my goal of becoming a singer, but for me its not about the fortune and fame, yeah that stuff is nice, but mostly its about following my dreams after ovecoming the bullying and other obstacles from my past. I want to be able to have influence and be able to help more young people who are struggling. I want to be able to use the expierences that I have went through to help others overcome the things they are facing. I want to be able to use my talents to help make others overcome there obstacle. I will follow my dreams forever, Always reaching for the stars,

As I go through my life the music in my soul, Heart and head is always turned on. Their is a song for every memory and a song for every event. The soundtrack of my life is one that has songs from ever corner of the music world, from classical to hard rock to country and pop to rap. Music is my life and my lungs are filled with music notes that just come out with every breathe.

Music to me is like breathing it is something that is need for me to live it is a part of my sould it is who I AM!

This soundtrack is never ending         

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Life thru a broken mirror

January 16, 1985. A baby was born in modesto, CA. she was a beautiful baby girl, 10 lbs 10 oz. big baby. little did she know but that would follow her throughout life. the baby was named Jennifer. Oh wait haha thats me! Yes so this is my story please read, enjoy and learn something!

I have always struggled with my weight even when I was younger I was always being teased. I remeber going thru the end of elementry school 4th and 5th grade. Bigger than al lthe rest of the kids in my classes. one thing I remeber is not wanting to go to recess because this group of kids would always surround me and call me blimb and hot air balloon. It was a tought thing at that young age to realize that people were getting entertainment out of making fun of me. I had enough and by the middle of my 5th grade year I had no real friends, gave up playing the clarinet and piano and secluded myself, spending lunch in a corner eating alone, and not goin to the playground. I hated particpating in school activities and then i started getting depressed.

Well then we graduated 5th grade and moved on to middle school. I had a couple "friends" and one best friend Amy Lynn (you can read about her in my other blog post). Well moving into 6th grade I dont remeber much other than winning some writing competition for a short story I wrote. 7th grade is a blur. Now 8th grade here is when things get weird. Well My friend Amy starts dating this guy Bruce, whom we both thought was cute, and had met at a basketball game, and begins homeschooling. I miss her at school and spend most of my time alone, or in the foreign language club. Well 8th grade graduation dance!! So this is my first expeirence with Karaoke and I will never forget singing the Eye of the Tiger at the dance. Well we graduate 8th grade and now comes Highschool!!! WOW... well I get my license and start driving the truck. I begin to be more popular with my "friends" ( cuz i can drive and they cant). well i begin the year hanging out with all the punk kids, goths and rebels, yep I even conformed to that gothic way of dress and makeup :). Well I soon find that Bruce, Amys now Ex. boyfriend is attending Highschool with me. He is in my choir class and remebers me as Amys bestie. Well, we start to become friends, and actually end up becoming best friends as well. I have always had an easier time becoming friends with guys because I'm a bit of a tomboy myself. Well Bruce and I will spend the next 5 years as amazing friends. at the end of my Freshman year in highschool I was introduced to the Mormon church, took the missionary discussions and was baptized as a member of the LDS faith. I am still an active member today 9 years later. I stop hanging out with alot of the people I used to because of my new standards and morals, So at the begining of my 10th grade year I pretty much only talked to Bruce. Well I knew this girl from kindergarden and she became a good friend her name was Stephanie, we did alot together even though she came from a strict home we found ways around it LOL. then there is Jenny she was a friend of mine but we never really were good friends. I then met Barbara Milner thru church and we became and still are best friends. I hated her at first but soon found we had tons in common and too this day we are still great friends, even tho she is married and lives in sacramento now. I met her about 11th grade. well I met some good people here and there and found a group to kinda attach to to eat lunch with, including, Clarice, Alton, Heather, Blake, and Rebekka. I guess you can say I felt alone most of the time even in a group of people, and honestly its not until right now in this moment I realize how many people I had met in my life. I was in choir all 4 years of highschool. and singing is my passion, my dream and soon to be reality!

All thru these years from 5th grade until I graduated I was depressed and suicidal, I faked my smiles and played along taking life a moment at a time, just waiting for the next fat joke or bully to come my way, and sure enough I was never let down. I would be late to class in order to avoid crossing the quad at school when it was full of people because when I did the laughter and remarks would follow! one such that had the greatest impact was the mooing at me by the hicks at my school. I cant remember or count how many times I cried wishing I could be dead, never been born, or someone else. another remark that hurt was the earthquake jokes that would happen at every PE class from 6th grade until 11th grade. I would skip PE or ditch in order to escape the harassment. Middle School and High School were HELL on earth for me with little moments of light.

Sunshine in the dark.... Well choir! I loved choir, I felt safe and at home on that stage, When I am singing I am the realest version of myself. Alton wrote some fun version of Smallville and we would read it durning lunch period. and Then WORK EXPEIRENCE!!! yes I got to leave school early and go to work.. 1 hour shorter day at the hell high school!

So lets see. 5th - 12th grade were filled with bullying, teasing and depression. I pulled myself thru with a new found faith in a higher power my Heavenly Father, grasping on as tight as I could to that little glimmer of hope that he loved me, and that with him I could pull thru and graduate. Well I did. May 2003 my name was called I stood up in my Gold graduation cap and gown walked to the podium shook the pricipals hand recieved my diploma and screamed to my family in the stands! It was finally over and I could move on with my life!

Well since then I have been to Spain, New York, Nashville, Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, Oregon, Washinton, Colorado, Lived in Idaho and Santa Barbara, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Arizon, Nevada, New Mexico, and went to a few colleges, I may not have my degree yet but I will soon. I have worked at the same job for the last 8 years now and trying to save money.

I have been in one abusive relationship and learned many lessons.

I have been in love with my best friend and deal with those feelings everyday.

I have been living most of my life until now in a LIE... keeping me from seeing anything good in myself, I saw only what others said I was, UGLY.... WORTHLESS.... GROSS..... I lived life thru a mirror that was broken, pieces of me were gone and missing, pieces shattered so far that they were unrecognizable. I had no clue who I was or what I wanted! I DIDNT WANT TO EVER LOOK IN THAT MIRROR! FOR FEAR SOMETHING ELSE WOULD BE GONE OR THE MIRROR WOULD BREAK MORE.
I am now on the path to recovery from bad lifestyle choices and living a healthier life now. I have a trainer and eating healthy!

I am empowering myself and I am finally able to truly LOVE MYSELF. I am no longer lost about who I am. I am no longer allowing myself to be someone im not just to fit into a mold. THERE ARE NO MORE EXCUSES! every action I have taken has brought me to where I am at right now, I am Jennifer: beautiful, funny, loyal, respectful, enthusiastic, excited, energetic, happy, smart, creative, talented, spontanious, adventuraous, loving, caring, unstoppable, determined, musical, and most of all I AM ME!!!!!

I love you all and because of the trials God has blessed me with throughout my life I am now a stronger more sympathetic woman. I have grown up and matured into the kind of woman I would want my daughters to be and my sons to marry! I will keep going down the path I am paving and continue to grow with each sunrise and each rainstorm!

Me at American Idol Audition 2010 :)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Love is NOT blind

So the saying goes, "Love is blind". That is so not true.... so you may be asking why? I will share my opinion on this...

So its a hot fall evening and the conversation about attraction and dating and other such things comes up, Now I will tell you this is one topic that I just cannot keep my mouth shut about because I find todays ways of thinking disgusting and immature.

The topic was brought to a point of how being attractive and or attracted to a person is the most important and then personality! THAT IS DISGUSTING AND BACKWARDS!!!! I believe that someones personality is the most important thing of an individual and that is the only thing a relationship should be based on and everything else should, you know there is another saying that many people forget that says, " Beauty fades with time, but an ugly personality will always be the same." You see as we age the outward appearance will fade, YES, you can spend uber amounts of money on plastic surgery, face lifts, butt lifts, tummy tucks, a nip here and a tuck there and soon you look..... well ok so most likely youll look like a freak! REALLY.... MONEY DOESNT BUY BEAUTY! because no matter how many surgeries you have, they dont got a surgery to give you a better personality. I have to say there are many times that I have heard this same concversation, about how some guy, is ok with being friends with someone but, EWWW I would never date them have you looked at them! hmmm... whats wrong with this, It was just stated the other night in a conversation with a male lets call him MOGLEY, well here is what he said.... " HOW CAN YOU DATE SOME ONE IF YOUR DISGUSTED TO TOUCH THEM"   WOW!!!! talk about harsh, so ok this is sad I mean here is a person I thought would have class, have respect, be a guy who has more respect for a woman then just how her outward appearance is, BUT no... I was wrong... You see, Guys will pass over the girl who heaven forbid, is overweight, short, too tall, maybe has a different look, wrong hair color, has freckles, or maybe they wear glasses, But hey they all get there chance sooner or later, (hopefully they hold out hoping one day a guy can get off his high horse get over himself and figure out that its not what the person looks like that matters)

     Ok so heres a little history about me. I have been overweight since I was in the 4th grade, So pretty much my entire life, So Believe me when I tell you that I know how it feels to be the punch line of many jokes, The victim of endless torment and teasing. to be pushed around and kicked, bullied everyday and made fun of everday of school from 4th grade until I graduated High School. Well do you think it has ended there>? NO!!! To this day I am still made fun of and teased, whether by people I know or someone makes a comment while im out at some place enjoying myself. I have spent My entire life trying to figure out why I had to be overweight, WHY ME!!! I mean I am an amazing person, strong, determined, Loyal, caring, and always there for the people who need me. I spent my entire teen years in massive amounts of depression, spending lunches sitting alone, or hiding from the tormentors. Not going to recess because I knew that if I went to the playground they were going to start laughin and calling me names. I failed PE because I was afraid to run and be made fun of, and I wouldnt change into PE clothes because the girls would make fun of me. Growing up FAT is not fun, It is a life of HELL literally being told everyday that you are ugly, a blimb, fatter, worthless, your a waste of space, marshmellow, cow, heffer and a never ending amount of names and jokes, it wears on a persons soul, I spent many times alone contemplating if it was even worth going on anymore, If I end it now then maybe everyones life would be better. BUT NO!!! that was not the answer, I had a purpose (even though I dont know what that is) to fulfill, I was just gonna have to suffer. and suffer i did every day of every year until 2010. This year I was at a major cliff in life and was about to fall over the edge, I didnt know where to go or what to do, I was lost and and had lost my identity, I didnt know who I truly was anymore, I had lost hold of my dreams and my goals, I let go of everything that meant anything to me to fall into a mold to please other people, well at this cliff just before I fell I found aid in my Godfather ( who is also my angel) he lead me to New Era, workshops for self improvement, Well those helped me find myslef, and empowered me to pull out, shift my attitude and become the person I had inside my authentic self.. THE REAL JENNIFER!!!

So no you know my story, lets get back to this love is not blind thing, I have been on 2 real dates and they were fun. but come on 2 dates in 10 years of dating aged life!!! REALLY! Ahh yes but remeber I am Overweight... HAHA guys dont want to date girls who are FAT... they want that girl that is skinny and who cares if she has a personality or not, SHE IS SKINNY!! so yes. Take for example. I had a best friend along time ago, we were best friends for 6 years.....yep 6 years. We were so close I knew his family he knew mine, we would always do stuff together, sing with each other, talk for hours on the phone about nothing and get lost in thos conversations, BUT.... no matter how close we were He said he would not date me, I asked him why once right before graduating High School and moving on to bigger and better things, and he said, Well I love hanging out with you, and I love your personality... BUT... well your just to fat... I was astounded by this, flabbergasted and speechless. I had nothing to say to him, EVER AGAIN, I have not talked to him since 2003 since that day I would never see or talk to him again, that disgusted me. REALLY, how can you be like that, so close, best friends, happy and want to spend time with each other, but because oh you dont have the right look, your not worth my time to call a girlfriend??? REALLY!!!

I now have the understanding that No matter what happens, at least now I LOVE ME!!! and my father in heaven loves me and honestly that is all that matters, Yes... I want the companionship of someone, but its not the most important thing anymore, I am sick of being rejected by guys because I am overweight, WELL GUESS WHAT!!! that can change with time, and guess what, I have the most amazing personality, I am fun, have a great sense of humor, Love to be outdoors, Loyal, caring, respectful, hard working, sympathetic, adventurous, spontaneous and BEAUTIFUL!!! INSIDE AND OUT....

Guys need to get over themselves and realize that even though a girl maybe DIFFERENT... doesnt mean that she is worthless. She may be the most amazing woman that they will never get to know

** p.s. this is not all guys just like maybe 90%, Thankfully there are those 10% that arent shallow or conceited to care about only what someone looks like!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

lifestyles of the middle class

paydays are more like money exchanges. I am the middle man in a mass denomination transaction. I spread the money i worked so hard to earn out between two colleges, a loan, Medical bills, Doctors bills, and now a gym membership. I need to get back on track, I need to get my finances in order, or I am never going to be able to afford to go to college. Those things I am paying barely leave me enough money for groceries, Gas to get to and from work, and heaven forbid having any money to go out and have any fun with!!! Oh goodness.. I need to start paying my tithing and then have faith that things will get worked out. I have been to stretched with my money I have been so afraid to pay my 10% tithing to church beacause I didnt want to miss a bill or a payment, because unlike the church, those companies that arent getting paid will come after you and can ruin your life! Tithing is important to me, I have always tried to pay it and that is my problem!!! I have TRIED!!! now is the time to JUST DO IT!! like Nike says.. LOL

Money is tight and stress levels are high. I didnt want to spend money to join a Gym but, I need to get back into a healthy lifestyle, I need to lose weight so my future can fall into place! I will accomplish my GOALS which are my dreams! I will achieve them and follow them to the stars. I will shoot for the moon and even if I miss the moon well at least I know I reached the stars :) I will make the most out of everything Life my life to the fullest as much as possible and keep on trucking into a bright, mysterious and wonderful future!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

No U-Turn

So today is the first day of my new life!!!! WOOWOO....Well actually its another first day in another change in my life making it even better.
I had my first work out at the gym today! I joined Get Fit 24/7 . Its a 24 hour Gym and its hardly ever busy which is why I like it so much!!!

So I will be working out everyday after I finish work, I am going to get fit for a happier healthier future! I am excited. I am hoping to be able to budget enough money to maybe work with the personal trainer, so we will see. But one way or another I am gonna be looking amazing in one year I will be down to happy weight and still working to become the person I am on the inside and seeing that on the outside as well.

I am begining a new chapter in my life and will soon be accomplishing the milestones of weight loss I have set for myself. I'm excited and going to stay motivated. But hand in hand with Prayer and Scripture study, I will be able to accomplis anything!

So 12 month from now my goal is to be under 300 lbs. and I will be happy at any weight under that. after that I will stay fit and running my life with prayer and faith in God. I will reach a healthy BMI and be happy and healthy.

I am asking my family and friend to help me out by keeping me motivated or donating some money so that I can get caught up on some bills and help counter the cost of the Gym Membership and possibly a few sessions with a personal trainer.

I am taking care of buisness, getting finances back in order, and living life as much as possible.

I am greatful to all those people close to me that have helped and been suportive thru a hard last year, this last year was so hard in fact I gain 60 lbs in one year, which is terrible!

I am taking back my life from this disease I have, I am a food addict and today is a new step in the right direction, making my own path, throwing the fork out of the road, getting out my flashlight and water and hiking thru the brush, cutting my own pather as I go.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Life Too short

I remeber the day I found out that My best friend since Junior High was killed in a Hit-and-run accident like it just happened, It was a hot summer day on Thursday July 22, 2010. I was working like always at my desk when I logged onto Facebook to check my updates and chek on people attending my Highschool friends gathering. Well Amy lynn was one of those who were going to be in attendance, I scrolled onto her page and saw a message saying, RIP AMY. I freaked out and looked up her name in the local paper, When I read the story I freaked out, and could not believe that I was reading about My best friend, a girl the same age as me, someone I was close to and shared so many memories with, a Girl who was unfairly taken from this world by some idiot driver who has no remorse or care about another human being to hi someone, My best friend and then jsut keep on driving like nothing happened! My best friend AMY LYNN ALEXANDER was a wonderful mother to her two children a little girl and a little boy with autism. She cared for them and fought for them with all her heart and soul. Now What happened after her passing is even more shocking. The childrens Father, My best friends Ex husband, picks up the kids with his new fiance, New car seats and says that they are his kids and they will not be attending their mothers memorial service, and he also introduces the new fiance as their new mommy. SICK!!! there is still speculation that this certain individual is somewaht connected to My friends mysterious death. See she left her home Thrusday evening to go jogging with her niece whom is 10 years old. She posts a Facebook status saying" going running with my niece, gonna instill some healthy habits in her while she is young." Amy and her niece left there home traveling south on a country road about a mile from the home of Amy's sister. They stopped for a quick break  and some water, at which point they saw a White Chevy Suburban coming their direction they back up off the road toward a fence at the top of an incline, at which point it is said to seem the car sped up and swirved off the road toward them at which point dust flew and The vehicles passenger side struck Amy throwing her about 10 feet from where they were standing, Amy's niece only suffered a sore shoulder but will never forget the horrific scene of seeing her aunt laying lifeless on the side of the road. It is believed that Amy had pushed her niece out of the way before the car struck her saving her nieces life in the process. Amys nicec ran as fast as she could to a home nearby to call 911 by the time help arrived Amy had slipped out of this world and onto the next. There were candlelight vigils held in Amy's honor at the sight of the horrific accident where a Native American spiritual guide performed some custom rituals. I was able to help and attend a memorial service for Amy at Knights Ferry Recreation park, there was a short spiritual moment by a priest/native american, Sage was burned and spirits were cleansed. Amys family and friends shared memories and stories about the life of an amazing young women whom touched every persons life she came in contact with and was greatly loved by everyone who knew her. photos were looked at and shared. a small shrine of Amy's things was set up, a song was played in her honor and I sang a song called "If I Die Young" by the band perry in honor of this magnificent young women whom I was lucky to have been able to call My Best Friend. There have been leads but have lead only to dead ends in the attempt to capture the murdered who took a wonderful women from this world way too soon. But I still believe everything happens for a reason, and maybe she had accomplished the things here on earth she was supposed to or there are greater plans in store. We just dont know yet why she was taken but she is with God in a place so beautiful and is with her horses and rideing through the unfenced pastures of Heaven. She was and will forever be a cowgirl with the heart bigger than life itself. she was an angel on earth to everyone who knew her. She was and is loved by so many and will never be forgotten!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Adventures of Spontaneous Combustion

So traveling has been the biggest part of my life and one that I enjoy quite a bit! So lets start from the beginging, I think my love of traveling stems from my need to be a famous singer, out on the road on tour singing and entertaining my fans. I remeber joining the Foreign Language Club at my Junior High School and trying to learn every language I could, because "I Was Gonna Need It". well here I am at 25 I may not be this world famous singer yet but by Golly I am traveling the world! Upon graduating High School in 2003, I was given the oppurtunity to attend an educational tour of Spain! Yes I got to go flamenco across the country of Spain, From the ports of the Costa Del Sol to the BIG city of Madrid, I was floating on cloud nine. Well almost, if it wasnt for this being my first trip away from home and only my sister with me and me being seriously homesick the first 3 days it woulda been even more amazing! Well I still got to eat at a spainish McDonalds, Swim the medditerean sea, Roam through the streets of Cordoba, Play with Swords in Toledo, Run with the bulls and dance the night away in Seville, and roam the plazas and museums of Madrid. The people were kind and the food was interesting, bright colors and great places. From walking up the tallest tower with the steepest ramps, to visiting the place they filmed parts of Star Wars, to meeting new and interesting friends This trip was amazing!
  My next big memorable trip would have to be the most spontaneous. Satuday morning rolls around in 2005 and My family and I are just waking up early in the morning, we start discussing things to do and I say jokingly that we should jsut go to LA and universal studios, WELL thats exactly what we did, no planning, no place to stay we pack up the car pick up my friend and head South down interstate 5. Well that trip was AWESOME! we went to Universal Studios Rode the rides, played games, and then went to a live taping of a TV show! that was awesome and that was one of my first expieriences of singing in front of crowd of strangers, I wanted an autographed scipt so when the guy said who wants to sing us a song, I jumped up (literally outta my seat) and yelled HEY I DO!!! so I sang for that group of audience members between takes of the TV show with all eyes on me and even some of the actors still on set watching I belted out the song, I LOVE ROCK N ROLL! WOW That was a rush i will never forget and will want to keep expieriencing for the rest of my life! I got the script and was happy, the next day we went on a star homes tour and got to see the sights, visited the Kodak Museum where the academy awards and many other shows are filmed and had a grand ole time in Hollywood.
   The next memorable trip was when I flew to Texas so that I could drive home with my Best Friend Kris. See Kris is this amazing young woman who recently joined the ARMY. at first we werent really friends but soon became best friends after a comedy show, some laughter and many years of memories. Well Kris moved to houston to work and she was going to be driving back to California, well I flew there so that I could keep her company. that roadtrip was something I will never forget, from stopping in San Antonio and visiting the River Walk mall to Arizona and staying at a complete Bachelor pad and hanging out with some amazing friends (one of those boys would later break my heart). Hanging out with Kris was amazing, We took tons of pictures but better yet made lots of memories, from Remebering the Alamo to dancing at Coyote Ugly.
     NEW YORK CITY!!! yep got to go to New York, My mom was working of there doing some training for the USDA and was working at the Federal Market in the Bronx. Well seeing as she already had a hotel room which is one of the most expensive things to get when going to New York, My sister, Me and my Aunt decided we were going to go visit! and visit we did. WATCH OUT NEW YORK! I loved it there, For a girl who has music in her heart and a yearning to be on stage running through her veins New York was the place I wanted to be, The lights of time square were breath taking. well visiting Hard Rock Cafe and trying on a Sweater and hat, these ladies look back as the are walking out the door do a double take at which point i can hear..." Is that her, Oh my gosh it is" LOL made me laugh and smile! that is the feeling I cant wait to have for real when they are going to be saying that about me :) so we visited everything we could, China Town, The port, Boat tour next to elis island and statue of liberty, World Trade Center site, Rode the subway, Took a taxi, Rode the train to Grand Central station everyday, Played the Piano and FAO Schwarts, saw central park, watched the street performers, saw the empire state building and ate at Bubbas in Time square, and the most random, visited with a friend from back home who is living there! :)
    Nashville, TN. went off alone, boarded a plane and flew to Nashville, Following my dream, I was auditioning for a job to work at none other than DOLLYWOOD!!! it was awesome and exciting My bestie Kris who is currently stationed in Clarksville drove up with her friend and picked me up at the airport, then we headed off to my hotel, My room was on the 22 floor :) oh yeah it had a gret view :) so Kris and I went out, we walked down and saw the concert pavillion where the black eyed peas were playing and LMFAO was opening for them, come to find out later by seeing these bands in the elevator they were satying in the penthouse of my hotel! Kris and I walked the streets of nashville and had a grand time, We settled on dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe where we were invited to attend the After Concert party with Black Eyed Peas and LMFAO, Kris ahd to head back home so The party was unattended by me since I didnt feel safe going there alone late at night walking the streets of Nashville. Well I went to bed and arose the next day to the light of a new and exciting day. I got all dressed up did my hair and prepared for what could be a life changing audition, I headed down the elevator tho the terrace where the auditions were to be held. I sat and waited for the audition process to begin, I met an awesome girl named Miranda she is an amazing singer. Well the auditions were finished and I headed up to my room I was so happy to have just taking the leap to even go to Nashville alone and audition that I really didnt care all to much if I did get the job or not, I was hopin i would but who knows right (there is no script ...) Well soon after returning to my room I recieve a call from the front desk saying that two ladies would like me to meet them, Well i head back down and there is Miranda! She asks if I would like to go to lunch with them and I was like sure! Well I know that you shouldnt really get in a car with people you just met but they gave me the feeling that it would be ok, I never felt that It was a bad idea. well they took me to Cracker Barrel, OMG if you have not eaten at a Craker Bareel you better get yourself to one and try it cuz it was GOOOD! I had chicken fried chicken, lets just say YUM!!! well I was happy and having a great time with them, We headed back into dowtown Nashville, Parked out on a side street to headed down to a bar called Tootsies. upon exiting the truck this homeless man looking so hungry was sitting on the sidewalk next to the building, seeing as i could not possibly finish my meal I gave him what I had brought in my to-go container. I have never seen a man with so little Smile with such glory. or cry with such greatfullness, he even went and shared with the others that were around and homeless, that was a great expierence. We went to Tootsies and they have KAROKE! with a LIVE BAND! well I signed myself up and so did Miranda. Man Oh Man i Got that rush again up on that stage Singing to a huge bar full of people IN NASHVILLE!!!! it was amazing and I nailed it!!! well they dropped me off at the hotel we exchanged numbers and facebook info and they were off and headed back home to Illinois. and i was off to bed. Well after I stopped into the lounge a picked myself up a couple of shirley temples, took them up to my room and headed back to the restraunt and bought myself a valentines chocolate cake. Yep its valentines day.... so i got and amazing dessert and my shirley temples turned on a good movie and settled in for the night. the next morning I packed up and headed for the longest day ever. I spent all day in an Airport in Nashville, then almost missed my plane transfer in Houston, but was able to have my own row of seats and slept all the way home from Houston. That was ana amzing trip. I know your wondering if I got the job. No I did not get the job and I have not been back to Nashville (YET)
     ALOHA!!!! Maui, Hawaii for 7 days. We went and stayed at our timeshare. Me, Mom, Bridgette, McKenna, Tiffany, and her boyfriend Miguel. WE started our day by getting our excursion plans all mapped out. this is one time when we did have somewhat of a script outline for the week :). We started our vacation with bridgette, tif, and miguel awaking well before sunrise to go up to the top of the volcano haliakula to watch the sunrise and then bike back down when they got back we went to the Aquarium, and got to see all kinds of fish and play some interesting games, and interact with sharks. We then went out for pizza and had a good night back at the hotel swimming. the next day was all about snorkeling... OMG I Love snorkeling. we boarded our boat early in the morning and headed to the reef. we took a short lesson before deboarding our boat into the water. me with my underwater camera and fish all around, i started snapping pictures and discovering the wonderful sea life. soon it was time to depart and go to Turtle bay to visit sea turtles. I jumped off the boat and was off to discover the turtles and discover them I did not only were they big but they were so close.. they were beautiful and swimming with them was awesome. I snapped a few pics, saw some scuba divers following a turtle then headed back to the "underwater" tour. We boarded the ship and headed back to port as we were served food on our way back. one of the guys on the ship was hot his name was Makena, so we got a pic of Maken holding McKenna. the next day they 3 amigos went out for their zipline tour and had a blast and took a bunch of pictures while me mom and mckenna went shopping at the little shops that lined the streets nearby. the next day we headed to Hana. the Road to Hana is lined with dense brush and beautiful waterfalls. we stopped and hiked back to some and took some amazing pictures. we arrived in Hana and went and visited the seven pools took more pictures and then headed back to our timeshare. we drove past the restraunt Charlies... which is owned by Willie Nelson who was actually there the day we drove by I'm sorry I missed that oppurtunity.  SURFING!!! so saturday morning came and We all went surfing!!! I got up on my first try! it was exhilerating and scary at the same time. we took some pics and learned some tricks :). McKenna even got in on the action. We went out Geocaching that night and found a few and We all had a great time doing it. We attended a Luau that night and it was amazing and beautiful the dancers did a wonderful job and the music and food were fantastic. Well we did alot of swimming, got alot of sun, saw some cuties, Surfed, Snorkeled, Boated, Danced, Karaoked (yes i found a karaoke place and blew the audience away) shopped and took lots of photos.
    I have been to so many places... Like a cruise to Alaska where I karaoked every night and everyone on the ship new me and my family. A week in Portland to go to my cousins Graduation and staying at a beach front resort, finding sand dollars and meeting Sean Astin from the goonies at the house where Goonies was filmed. numerous trips to Minnesota when i was younger to visit Family and spending time at the Mall of America. Trips to disneyland both as a child and for my 24th birthday (which was free).Moving to Idaho and living for 4 month and attending school at BYUI, my first move away from home I was so homesick but was lucky enough to have great roomates and threw myself into my school work. A trip with friends to San Diego randomly meeting with church members from Arizona. Moving to Santa Barbara for a Month to escape an abusive threatening Ex. and living with my aunt and spending everyday on the beach and dancing and having fun with my cuz at night. A trip to San Fransisco where I would face my fear of heights with friends as we walked the Golden Gate Bridge then driving randomly to the beach in Half Moon Bay at like 11:00 pm at night. So many trips in such a short span of life.... and they are not over yet.... upcoming plans that may or may not change... another trip to Nashville, maybe a move to Santa Barbara.. and a possible trip to Europe
Traveling will always be a part of my life and now that I have learned to love flying I think I will take the workd by storm... Well keep a look out for my Tour bus in the near future cuz I will be touring and I will be coming to a concert venue near you in the future!

The above are some photos randomly from some of my adventures :)

For now the sponataneous combustion of travel will continue to grow and soon explode into my dreams coming true!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Life Through undefined eyes

My first expierience in music was when i recieved my first Dolly Parton CD when I was very young. I listened to that CD every cahnce I got! Dolly Parton has been my inspiration ever since I heard that first CD. I have read all about her and love how she Worked so hard to accomplish her dreams. her birthday is just 3 days after mine and she opened her amusement park the same year i was born 1985. I aspire to be a singer somday and be famous, when I meet that goal I want to be a positive role model for the youth of the present and future. Life through undefined eyes has endless possibilities. I travel as much as I possibly and financially can. Life throws so many obstacles as we grow up wheter they come in the form of school mates teasing and making fun of you everyday or if it comes in the form of a guy whom you thought you could possibly love forever breaking your heart. but with the right attitude and the right outlook those obstacles will make us stronger and grow into the most real and authentic form of ourselves. being able to overcome and let go of those things from the past makes us better and more prepared for the future. I have faced many ibstacles through the years, form being overweight all my life and being made fun of constantly, to fighting with low self esteem but a drive to be noticed, to struggling with emotions of not being good enough and thoughts of suicide, and being in a toxic relationship involving alcohol and an abusive male. I always find it hard to find the words to describe how growing up with the self doubt of being good enough and balancing that with a heart that is being driven to be the center of the stage lights and singing with all my soul to an audience of thousands maybe even millions. I have been driven by my devotion to music to sing every chance i get, even when i feel as scared as a 12 point buck during hunting season. even through the stage fright I wanted to be the best i could be, which led to me feeling the most comfotable and the most confident while up on stage under the brightness of the stagelights. I went through most of my life depressed but when i was in stage singing I was so happy and nothing else seemed to exist for that short moment. Church is another big part of my life i joined the Mormon (LDS) church when I was 16 and am still an active member to this day. I believe that the LDS doctrine is true and love the teachings that can be found within the pages of the scriptures. Those books have always been a huge guidance and strength to me in hard times along with prayer. I have found who i really am through the many trials that have happened in my life, I have written alot in journals while sitting on the beach in Southern California, listening to support from numerous family members and attendind a self inporvement workshop, through all these outlets I am able to find my true self the superwoman who was hiding behind undefined eyes waiting to be defined, I have been able to define those blues eyes, Beautiful, Caring, Loyal, Respectful, Creative, Talented, Adventurous, Spontaneous, Loving, Exciting, Happy, and ready for the amazing future that awaits in this unscripted life that we live!