Thursday, January 20, 2011

fading smile into the ocean?

To those of you who have known me for a long time have know what a great and difficult transformation i have recently went through in the last year. I have been so much happier, so much more at peace with myself and the world around me.

I have come to a point in the last month where I can feel a pull of some sort, the peace I once felt has slowly drifted just to the outside of my realm of being. Its weird to feel this way after a year of avoidance of these feelings of doubt and disharmony.

The smile that was once a permanent resident of my face for the past year has slowly began to fade and honestly it scares me. I am still happy with who I am and where I am going bu I can feel the doubt slowly creeping in and to stop it has been so hard. I have started to worry more about my actions, Worry about what others think, and I am doubting myself and it scares me. I dont want to go back to the life I was living before, I am striving to live for my future and to live for today, I am striving to live the gospel and working hard to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. I dont want to take any steps backwards in this journey and I cant let these feelings continue.

I am fighting the waves of lifes ocean to stay above the surface and still be able to breathe, but as in any wave there is a breaking point... Im hoping I can ride this wav out on top so that when the crashing wave reaches that point I will be able to ride it to the shore.

I cant let go of this smile that for so long I had never truly know, The smile that I went through Hell and back to achieve, a smile that took the love of myself for myself to achieve. I cant let go I worked to hard and too many years for it. I wont let it slip beneath the ways to become another sunken treasure in the ocean of my life.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Life, A Time, and A Story of Pirates

Welcome to the New year of this new life I am living. I dont know how many of my readers read, or even how many of my friends even read my blog these days but I figured I would update it....

A life of new begining and new endings is here. a life that will be filled with ups and downs but I am still happy through them all because I Love who I am and am in a better place, which helps when dealing with the cards that life is dealing me. Like playing a game of poker you cant win every hand, you just have to know how much your going to bet, will that hand play out in the end or should you fold and wait for the next set of cards. Let me tell you be very careful about the Cards you bet on because you dont want to waste all your money on a hand thats not going to take you anywhere. Think about the long run, where will it go, whats its potential, how far will I REALLY go with this set of cards? Ok so have you guessed what this is yet.. LOL well it can be a number of things... relate it  to what you want... I have been relating this in my life lately to my school and guys..
I mean look school... What degree do i want to bet my money on... Will i like it? can I get a job? once i do get the degree will i be good enough to get a job? I mean all these questions arise.. and then I become this fickle better who is like well ill bet on this for a bit, then fold. then bet on the next and fold... so its been a losing streak somewhat thus far... but I am getting general Education credits done in the midst of this so that is a positive.
The next I said I relate this to is guys... OH MAN... so confusing if you ask me.. I am a very simple girl, especially lately I dont have much complication going on, Im pretty straight forward with who I am, up front and honest... I think that may be the problem... Also it seems lately like Im back to the point where im just one of the guys...its a little heartbreaking but being who i am today its not as bad as it could have been. :) I Love who I am, I am a Nerd (so what) I love to play video games, I love Star Trek, I like Star Wars, I enjoyed palying DnD, I love fantasy novels, I like cars (alot) Im outgoing, talented, adventurous, Im not afraid to go out and get dirty, I love to go camping and hiking, I love being outdoors, I love being out on a ranch with animals (Cows, Chicken, Goats, Rabbits, Dogs, Horses) LOVE IT!! Im not a girly girl but im not a tom-boy either. I Love to get dressed up, I love getting my nails done and a pedicure, I like getting massages, I love putting on heels and make-up to feel sexy even if i really dont, I like to do my hair for a night out, a romantic dinner and a movie sounds good to me and movies sometimes make me cry.
So when I compare guys to that hand of cards, be careful who your putting your energy into, because they could be using you. its not fun to find out 2 months down the road when your almost out of chips to give and running low on energy that the hand you have been betting on has been deceiving and the girl at the other end of the table Well She had pocket Aces. as of late I have been really thinking about dating... and have come to realize.. I have been on one real date. But as the little girl in my heart cries for the date of her dreams, the one she always pictured as a "real date" lol so stereotypical I know but... The guys picks up the girl at her house, opens her door for her, and drives to the restraunt where they sit and have conversation over a nice dinner (but not too expensive) then the rest of the evening can be spontaneous and fun.. it can even be a surprise... but that is what I have always pictured as a real date.. like I said I am a sinple girl and really that dream date i just described is not anything very complicated.. :) but I have become very careful about my betting on cards lately, because even when it may seem like maybe oh just maybe this guy might be interested, something is said and BAM! the thing I always hear, neverending word, the word that cuts like a knife no matter how many times you hear it... FRIEND. dont get me wrong I love my friends... they are amazing wouldnt trade them for the world (well maybe a million dollars but hey I got bills) LOL just kidding but honestly... all in due time I guess but until then Im focusing on me, because right now honeslty no one else matter at this time more than myself... because I am getting to a good place in my life emotionally and physically.

A time has come for me when I am in the midst of the biggest life changes I have ever made. in the last <<<<<< 6 months I am down 60 lbs (heres a picture) and on my way to my ultimate and final goals I feel and look amazing. I am so happy with who I am. I am back in school and currently taking two history classes 101 and 102. these classes will be the death of my GPA but im gonna buckle down and focus hard... Its going to be a hard semester mentally and emotionally for me but with my new found strength I will push through and come out sprinting on the other side... ok so maybe ill be jogging or walking out the other side... but the point is Ill be coming out the other side!!! I have alot of reading and writing to do in these classes but Luckily for me I LOVE HISTORY!!! well actually I just love learning in general, But I am almost done with my generals YAY!!! jsut 3 classes away... a math class and 2 sciences for my next semester! Im excited to finally be done with my generals then I will have to decided tho what to do.... A time will come when I will have to pick a major and stick with it...

Now I have just had a birthday and turned 26, I have now passed the 1/4 of a century mark by and entire year.... OH BOY!!!! I feel old like a pirate who has been out to sea way to long! but alas has reached land.. well ok maybe not but it sounded good. this year has opened up so many different routes of travel I could ride the trade winds in many different directions from here...My birthday turned out ok, It wasnt the best birthday I could have hoped for but it wasnt bad either, I was at least able to gather together with me friends and enjoy time with them.. I also enjoyed a sea side adventure to the beaches of Santa Cruz the friday before me birthday. I enjoyed the sand beneathe me shoes and the throwing about of a pigskin. also that night we took in a show at the Imax in Dublin. The beach day did start of with a rather interesting story about Pirates from patterson who farmed pickles and persimmons with their beerbellies...I have thought on this story I told while driving out into the sun out of the haze of the valley and I have come to the conclusion that is has alot of depth to think about, they were pirates who for ages traveled to find a new home when settling down they celebrated by drinking wherein the beerbellies came from.. then they began to farm pickles and persimmons and in the depth of a harsh winter lost their crops, so not only were they fat and alreay depressed they lost all their food as well.. well they survived the winter because the were kept warm and nuritioned by there fat storage on their bodies... Im sure they learned alot of great lessons that winter. Its only throught the hard times in our lives that we are able to learn a lesson that will shape our future selfs and make us ready for the fight that is ahead of us. The trials we go through are the building block of who we are as a person, everyone goes through similar trials, they are just unique to each individual. Each trial can be realted to each other some way. I know now that I am grateful for every pain I went through, Every sleepless night I endured, Every waking moment I hated myself, Every thought of despair, Every moment of weakness, and every tear i have and will ever cry!

I am grateful for all of those beacause they have made me Jennifer. a Strong, Talented, Courageous, Energetic, Loyal, Caring, Loving, Respectful, Adventuraous, Spontaneous, Happy, beautiful, Willing, Faithful, spiritual, Fun, Funny, Nerdy, Fantasic, Superwoman I am today... and without everything I went through I would no be who I am, I wouldnt be any of these things, I wouldnt be unique and special. I would be the amazing person I am today. and I love the person I am today and I WILL never forget what I went through and the lessons I learned to get here!