Thursday, January 20, 2011

fading smile into the ocean?

To those of you who have known me for a long time have know what a great and difficult transformation i have recently went through in the last year. I have been so much happier, so much more at peace with myself and the world around me.

I have come to a point in the last month where I can feel a pull of some sort, the peace I once felt has slowly drifted just to the outside of my realm of being. Its weird to feel this way after a year of avoidance of these feelings of doubt and disharmony.

The smile that was once a permanent resident of my face for the past year has slowly began to fade and honestly it scares me. I am still happy with who I am and where I am going bu I can feel the doubt slowly creeping in and to stop it has been so hard. I have started to worry more about my actions, Worry about what others think, and I am doubting myself and it scares me. I dont want to go back to the life I was living before, I am striving to live for my future and to live for today, I am striving to live the gospel and working hard to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. I dont want to take any steps backwards in this journey and I cant let these feelings continue.

I am fighting the waves of lifes ocean to stay above the surface and still be able to breathe, but as in any wave there is a breaking point... Im hoping I can ride this wav out on top so that when the crashing wave reaches that point I will be able to ride it to the shore.

I cant let go of this smile that for so long I had never truly know, The smile that I went through Hell and back to achieve, a smile that took the love of myself for myself to achieve. I cant let go I worked to hard and too many years for it. I wont let it slip beneath the ways to become another sunken treasure in the ocean of my life.


  1. HUG
    It hurts sometimes. Sometimes it feels like the wave is going to wash over and drag you down. But remember, it gets better. and better and better. I know what it's like to feel like no matter how hard you're swimming, the movement is all backwards. We can fight the tide together. HUG

  2. you know.. I will pull you to shore with me... :)