Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Confessions of the unfiltered heart

So thru some meditation and alot of thinking I have finally come to the conclusion and realization that I am ready to write out this Blog.

Through the years there has been only four times I have liked a guy. Yes three years in my "wonderful" 25 (almost 26) years of life! 

lets start back in Jr High.. WOW thats seems like forever ago. :) haha.. well it all startd at a basketball game sitting in the bleachers cheering on the ROSS BEARS!!! Well there was this guy from the other team and he was good looking, Cowboy (of course) and my friend says "hey i think that guy is cute" well so did I but seeing as I had no confidence in myself and lack any self esteem I said to the guy (Bruce) " Hey my friend thinks your cute!" well he came up and chatted with us and they dated after that. I still had a crush on this guy. (WAIT IT GETS BETTER) well they break up and my friend moves away and leaves the school, we hardly talk besides on the phone, Well guess what... her ex then begins attending school... what a coincedence... He remebers me and we quickly become friends as we have much in common... He would become one of my best and closest friends and would not know how deeply I felt for him until later. well I told my friend that we had become friends and she was totally kool with it. she was glad i had found someone to hang out with in her absence. well me and bruce were in choir together and hung out all the time. He dated and talked about all his girl problems with me and I helped him solve all of them. When his girlfirends were busy me and him would go hang out and cruise Mchenry in my truck, go to the drive in, or go hang out with his grandma. I enjoyed every moment we spent together and we shared our ups and downs. We laughed and cried together, and sang endless songs together. we talked endless hours on the phone and sat for hours talking about nothing under the stars. We went to the homecoming game together and had an amazing time, laughing and smiling, I decided it was time to tell him how I felt, he hadnt had a girlfriend in 4 months and I had never dated anyone EVER.. LOL. well we walked around the highschool and sat and talked I told him and he was ok with what I was saying but then his reply shocked me and this is what he said " You are my best friend and I love you too, But I like girls who look a certain way, athletic, skinny and you dont, Im sorry, I dont want to hurt your feelings. Your still my best friend" After that night we slowly grew apart I really didnt want anythign to do with him anymore. I have not talked to him since 2004.

the second one at the time I thought I was head over heels for but now I dont even know wha tI was thinking..LOL I think I was just caught up in the moment.. He was a nice guy. Mormon. Musician. Tall. Handsome. Sweet. Driven. I liked him. I told him. wrote songs about him. and yes he found out I liked him as well and I heard from a good friend of mine that he said a really mean thing that I will never repeat! and I have hated him ever since! so that was my second guy I liked.. LOL but I will admit he was an amazing guitar player.. LOL

the tird guy was short lived and last but a few short months. I thought maybe i could marry this guy but as I was going to move to another state to be with him and date him, he married a much older women like a 40 year old. yeah. but we had an amazing time together on the beaches in Oceanside California where I was for the first table able to feel like a beautiful women, loved for who I really was. love for me. I felt great. we walked the beach had in hand and had a great talk. after her returned home we stayed in touched and I had planned on moving to be near him but then that all changed and he called me out of the blue and said he was engaged and getting married, I was shocked and surprised and deeply saddened. I once again felt lost and as i wasnt good enough.

the fourth and most important guy that I have feelings for and still do. he was my best friend. He means the world to me. I dont think he will ever know how much he changed and effected my life both good and bad. but hey what can I say. I know that when you meet someone you look into there eyes and you can just tell that they are a good person with a good soul and heis one of those people. He has his moments when he can come of as a total and complete Jackass but he is actually one of the greatest guys you will ever know if you get the chance. he is caring, kind, and has the greatest smile. I met him awhile ago at a church activity and at first I was like this guy is so weird until i was actually introduced. Then he tried to hug me, OMG! I hated hugs (back then) and I refused to hug him and opted for a handshake instead. well after that I saw him again at church and other activities and he would constantly try and give me a hug and I would always avoid it... Until one day I didnt :( ugh....) well I havent avoided it since then LOL well maybe a few times but thats a long story i will not go into detail. well he has a great persoanlity that just makes me melt. I have had a conversation with another friend of my about guys and we talked about physical attraction and I taold him that I was in no way physically attracted to this certain individual and he said WHAT!!!! how can you love someone and not be? I said because I DONT CARE!!! IM NOT SHALLOW! like I have said in a blog before, society has been so focused on what people look like taht they forget the substance of what people are! I know that me and the guy that I have loved for the past 3 years will never be together, why? because I can look at the girls he dates, the girls he likes, the girls he looks at and know I CAN NEVER LIVE UP TO THAT. But here I am still in love with him everyday, but it has become so much easier to deal with now knowing who I really am.

I used to cry myself to sleep everynight wishing I could wake up being as beautiful and as skinny as those girls on TV. I thought about becoming anorexic, and so many other things but knew I could get sick. I was unhappy and lost myself. But now I know who I really am! I am very healthy, I am very happy, I am a very beautiful, talented, adventurous, spontaneous, funny, exciting, loving, caring, loyal, respectful, young woman! I would never trade that for anything :)

I guess I could add to here that I did kind of date this guy but I am trying to foget about him and pretend like it never happened because as far as I am concerned althought the lessons I learned from the experiences were priceless I would like to forget them. I didnt really like him at all and I have no Idea why I even put myself in that position in the first place mostly because I was lost and didnt know who I was but that will never happen again!!! thats one history lesson i will never forget and one time history wont repeat itself.. LOL!

HMM lets see....guys I have kissed for real thre have been one, two, three, four guys :) LOL one was at a club on Saint Patricks day in 2006 I think/ one was in 2009 on the beach in Oceanside, CA/ one was my Ex/ and one was because of mistle toe or a dare.
LOVE YOU... these were my confession from my unfiltered heart <3