Tuesday, November 15, 2011

let me introduce you to... " ME!"

Hi I am Jenn!
I am Mormon!

ok ok so you want to know more well here it goes..I figure its about time people get know who I really am..
If I were going to put myself into a catagory it would be " Jack of all Trades, Master of None"

Let me explain. I love to do so many things, Draw, Sing, Dance, Paint, Drive, Build things, Pottery, Ceramics, Writing, and so much more... but im not really all that outstadning in any of them, I have never actually spent enough time to cultivate any of them

Well lets see I graduated in 2003 and after that I went to Spain for a month on an educational tour! it was awesome. I love to travel and if I could travel for the rest of my life I would!
after that I started at MJC where I had no clue what I wanted to major in, and to be honest here 8 years later almost 9 I still dont know what I want to get a degree in, I am currently on my 5 major and my 3rd school. I am currently majoring in Graphic Design with a Minor in Photojournalism. Theres another on I love taking pictures! or having my picture taken ;) LOL.

lets see some things I love.. I warn you I am a DORK! I love cartoons, you know, Looney Tunes, Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Elmer Fudd, Old Mickey Mouse, SUPERMAN!!!! batman beyond, almost any comic book one, I love to watch those chessey disney channel movies they come out with every month, as much as I love to watch the history channel, Mythbusters, and ocassionally an episode of the Jersey Shore. I like to watch Ghost Adventures and paranormal stuff. I enjoy cuddling up with a good fantasy novel and reading about vampires, and wherewolves, elves, giants, unicorns and whatever other creatures are around. I lvoe Star Trek and Star Wars..I love old movies, Shirley Temple, Singing in the Rain, OH and BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO ARE AWESOME!. I could sit and watch disney movies, maybe just one a day though. I like to explore new places and even if I am scared I still like to try new things. I call my self adventurous and quite spontaneous, I would pick up right now and go on vacation if I had the money... I dont need to plan it, the fun things happen when there hasnt been a plan!

I love Italian food, I love to bake, I like to make cakes, I want to learn to cook better.I dont like milk chocolate but do love Dark Chocolate. I dont like twizzlers, They are a chip rip off of Red Vines, I lvoe nachos, and I love chinese food. I try not to eat alot of sugar so when I bake I give it all away, I bake alot when I am stressed out or worried.

I like to play chess, and risk both fun games! I like to play sports, soccer Volleyball, basketball, football! I love it! not a fan of watching it though but the superbowl is cool, and hockey is always fun! I would rather be playing tho! I also like to go fishing.

I love the piano, I would love to be able to play but I would much rather sit and listen to someone else play it calms me and make me smile! <3 <3 music is a big huge part of my life! I just finished writing my first song completed! woo woo! i cant wait to record a demo, I finished writing the song at the LDS Temple grounds in Oakland

I love to read comic books, as much as I like to play video games. but as much as I love video games, I Love being outside, sitting basking in the sun, out at the lake camping, and boating,

down at the beach playing frisbee or football, up in the mountains exploring old towns and hiking, or going horseback riding.

I am fasinated by guns and love to go out shooting, even if that is using airsoft or now i found i rather like paintball.

I love spending time with people, if I could I would do something every night so I could spend time with friends, geocaching, board games, other random games, swimming, walking, whatever spending time interacting with people is important to me. I love boomers and funworks I love go carts and putt-putt Golf, I love arcade games and winning those tickets that really doesnt get you much of anything, I love stuffed animlas and have quite a collection in containers for my future children each with its ouwn story and sentimental value,

I have a collection of barbies too, yes I still play barbies with my niece, So what its good for an active imagination, I have a collection of Superman stuff too its displayed in my room.

 I love to play in the irrigation water and with my dogs, I love to get dirty mud is awesome for the skin, I want to learn to work on cars more than i already do, I am not afraid to get my hands dirty.

My mind is always active so I try to do stuff all the time, because I get bored quite easily, I enjoy talking, maybe too much! but hey whatever, I could talk for days! ok maybe not that much... but I do love to talk.

I have dealt with depression my whole life and struggled with my self image forever, I have always hated how I looked and am making changes now.

 I dealt with bullying my whole life, being teased and made fun of. That negitive stuff is hard to get rid of but I am decluttering my mind and getting rid of all that false stuff taht has been built up, I can be and will be happy with who I am and I am actually starting to be. I through myself into service projects to help others so that I can see that my struggles are nothing compared to theirs, I know that I am capable of helping others and feel I should as much and as long as I am able to do so.

I may be a dork, I may be a nerd, I may not be a sexy Hot woman, but I am beautiful,

I may love to much but that is who I am, I Love with all my heart and am loyal to those I call my friends. I am always there when anyone needs help. I may not be a tidy OCD clean person but I am clean, I may not seem all that innocent but I am , there are things I have no clue what people are talking about, and I am completley ok with not knowing. I am creative and imaginative, I am spontaneous, and ambitious, I have big dreams well actually I have big goals, because dreams are just that dreams but Goals will be accomplished. I will be a country singer someday and receive an award, I want to meet Dolly Parton and sing a song with her and record it.

 I want to get married in the LDS Temple, I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints and I have a testimony of Gods Gospel and his love for all his children. I want to have children and raise a family.

I learned from the past, I have fun in the present and I dream of my future!
Hi I am Jenn......
This was the real me
It is a pleasure to meet you!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


the stress of letting go of an amazing best friend, the guy I am so in love with, The guy who would never feel the same, the guy who was always there for me and could always make me smile when the clouds of sadness were rolling in, the guy who would straighten me out when I was heading down the wrong path.

Yes he is my kryptonite, whether I stay his friend and endure the pain of being in love with someone whom I can never be with, or I endure the pain of letting go of my best friend. This kryptonite has left me week and ill... physically anad mentally drained. I have been pushing  through pretending that I am OK... but its all catchin up with me... This Supergirl has fallen so hard that my physical self is weak and has fallen ill.

I pray I can overcome this kyrptonite and come out a stronger more powerful young woman!

Monday, November 7, 2011


Well that was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life.. one week ago I told my best friend that it was time to part ways. It took everything I had to tell him. I know that my love for him will not change, and I know that it was not a healthy relationship pretending that we were ok. I know that we would never be together I know that would only be friends, I wasnt dilussional I just fell in love with him despite his flaws cuz i even fell in love with those...Lol.... The heartache of being his friend, however has been eating away at me for awhile. Its like being allergic to your favorite food and keeping it in the fridge where you see it everyday, haunting you, taunting you, but you can never have it.. the decision needed to be made, and hopefully it was the right decision. I am not handling my own decision very well, however, I feel as though my soul is sinking into a dark hole and I shattered my own heart into a million pieces. Im just glad that I am good at puzzles but I am starting to wonder that in making this decision did I lose a piece of my heart? only time will tell where the roads will go, and what will be waiting when we get there. I will, for now, move forward in life knowing how amazing I am and knowing what he is missing out on, I will carry on and lean on my faith in God to carry me through this difficult time. I will prepare my self for te amazing future I know awaits me. I will always love and care for him, I will never forget all the amazing time we spent together, I will never forget how much he helped me and all the hard times he was there for me. I just wish there was another way but my love for him is making me crazy and jealous, and its not healthy... I will miss him greatly, I feel like I died in side the day I said goodbye.. but i guess I am getting a few great songs out of it... farewell my friend, I Love you with all my heart and soul. I know you prolly wont read this but by the slight chance you. Im sorry I fell in Love with you...
This will just make me stronger... I will overcome and survive...
I will be ok again!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

GoOdByE HuRtS LiKe HeLl

There comes a time when we must part ways with the ones we love most. Whether that be through death, moving, or a hard decision. i think saying goodbye to someone who dies is easier then saying goodbye to someone who is still around just because you made the decision to part ways it wasnt made for you, and that person is still around and you may run into them... it happens and those moments will be handled when and if they occur

    There comes a time in life when Hard decision need to be made no matter how much they hurt. sometimes saying goodbye is the only choice we are left with in certain situations. Being in love with someone who doesnt love you back hurts like hell, but add to that the fact that they are your closest friend and the one who you could always depend on, the one who made your day that much better, the one who you look forward to spending time with despite the feelings you have for them, the one person who could make you smile on your worst day, and the one who for them you were willing to go through hell to remain their friend, to push those feelings away in order to sustain a friendship that meant everything to you, makes it that much harder. The decision to finally part ways and try and move forward has been tough, The breaking point finally arrived and a decision needed to be made, it has finally come the time to break ties with the one person who was one of the most important and constant friendships i have had in my lfe. I weighed the options and finally the conclusion was it would be better for both parties to move on and part way. the anxiety of having to tell my best friend that it was over that our friendship could no longer overcome the tension that I created with the love I had for him was overwhelming, but I was not prepared for the response... I felt like the most horrible person in the world the night I ended my most important friendship I felt like garbage. I felt as though I had jsut done the worst thing in the world to this person.
I did not ask to fall in love with this person despite his flaws, I did not ask to become close to this person, it just happened, I have tried to analyze why I love him so much and why I loved him for his flaws. I never did figure that one out. I was never dilussional I knew we would always be only be friends. I loved you first as my best friend... I dealt with the other feelings....

So I ended it, but why do I feel so horrible, the pain in my heart is the worst yet, my soul is breaking as my heart does, the tears wont stop, I struggled all halloween day to put up a happy face just to be ok, but when the end of the night came the overwhelming grief of loss hit me like a nuclear bomb, its a struggle that I dont know if I can win, the struggle between the love in my heart and the enmotions fighting the logical reasoning of my brain...

I need to win this fight and bring my logic and emotions together to join my heart and head in the same fight... I need to move forward into my future, becoming the Daughter of God I know I can be and that I really want to be. To become worthy for the blessings of my Heavenly Father.

The tears fall onto my keyboard as I type out my feelings on this blistery, windy first day of November 2011... but its ok because

I still Love you.

goodbye my friend.