Tuesday, November 1, 2011

GoOdByE HuRtS LiKe HeLl

There comes a time when we must part ways with the ones we love most. Whether that be through death, moving, or a hard decision. i think saying goodbye to someone who dies is easier then saying goodbye to someone who is still around just because you made the decision to part ways it wasnt made for you, and that person is still around and you may run into them... it happens and those moments will be handled when and if they occur

    There comes a time in life when Hard decision need to be made no matter how much they hurt. sometimes saying goodbye is the only choice we are left with in certain situations. Being in love with someone who doesnt love you back hurts like hell, but add to that the fact that they are your closest friend and the one who you could always depend on, the one who made your day that much better, the one who you look forward to spending time with despite the feelings you have for them, the one person who could make you smile on your worst day, and the one who for them you were willing to go through hell to remain their friend, to push those feelings away in order to sustain a friendship that meant everything to you, makes it that much harder. The decision to finally part ways and try and move forward has been tough, The breaking point finally arrived and a decision needed to be made, it has finally come the time to break ties with the one person who was one of the most important and constant friendships i have had in my lfe. I weighed the options and finally the conclusion was it would be better for both parties to move on and part way. the anxiety of having to tell my best friend that it was over that our friendship could no longer overcome the tension that I created with the love I had for him was overwhelming, but I was not prepared for the response... I felt like the most horrible person in the world the night I ended my most important friendship I felt like garbage. I felt as though I had jsut done the worst thing in the world to this person.
I did not ask to fall in love with this person despite his flaws, I did not ask to become close to this person, it just happened, I have tried to analyze why I love him so much and why I loved him for his flaws. I never did figure that one out. I was never dilussional I knew we would always be only be friends. I loved you first as my best friend... I dealt with the other feelings....

So I ended it, but why do I feel so horrible, the pain in my heart is the worst yet, my soul is breaking as my heart does, the tears wont stop, I struggled all halloween day to put up a happy face just to be ok, but when the end of the night came the overwhelming grief of loss hit me like a nuclear bomb, its a struggle that I dont know if I can win, the struggle between the love in my heart and the enmotions fighting the logical reasoning of my brain...

I need to win this fight and bring my logic and emotions together to join my heart and head in the same fight... I need to move forward into my future, becoming the Daughter of God I know I can be and that I really want to be. To become worthy for the blessings of my Heavenly Father.

The tears fall onto my keyboard as I type out my feelings on this blistery, windy first day of November 2011... but its ok because

I still Love you.

goodbye my friend.


  1. Guess what I just found out Monday night? He for sure doesn't care for me the same way. Ouch. Losing my best friend. Feeling a bit of your pain.

  2. yeah telling him goodbye is killing me inside... I feel broken and lost