Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The pursuit of the elusive unicorn.

As I search for the elusive unicorn. I see a beautiful world, full of life, full of goodness, full of potential. I look in the mirror and for the first time, I see all those things in me. I see the beautiful woman standing in front of me, a woman with so much potential that its scary, a woman that is so full of life when she is happy that people cant help but smile and be happy in her presence, I see and influential member of society who WILL make big changes in the world in the future. I see the woman I am and the woman I will be someday.

Who am I and who will I be:
I am talented
I am loving
I am sensitive to peoples needs
I am goal oriented
I am driven
I am loyal
I am supportive
I will be a great mother
I will be a great wife
I will cook dinner for my family
I will raise my family in the Gospel of Christ
I will bake with my family
I will go on spontaneous trips with my husband and family
I will love my future husband with everything I am
I will give my future husband back and foot massages
I will make a huge change in the world and be an influential member of society
I will be a great role model and example to the world

Even amongst the rejection and the feelings of low self worth I am climbing out of a hole, I will find the light and tak of running. Even amongst the Shallow, self indulgent, superficial males I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by I am coming to find my own and realizing I am so much better than they are because I can see past the false beauty to what really matters, WHO I AM INSIDE...thats all that matters. I finally know that despite not being good enough for those guys that I Love, The propably dont deserve me anyways, but not only that they wouldnt be prepared or man enough to be my husband anyways.

I have found the elusive unicorn and it does exist... INSIDE ME.. My heart is unique, my soul is unique, my love is unique, my personality is all my own, I am amazing, I am beautiful, I am majestic, and have so much to offer to the right person, I will have patience and with Heavenly Fathers guideance and love I will find my way. I will conquer all my (blessings) trials, and I will become the woman he has planned for me to be!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Icing on the cake

Well I have never been a materialistic person. I never find jo in buying things, or having things purchased for me. I am always a careful shopper and never really buy stuff that is not a nessecitity.
I always feel bad when others buy me stuff because until now I never felt like I deserved anyone to buy me anything.I have come to start to realize my potential, and finally knowing who I and realizing what great self worth I have. I now know that I deserve alot more than I allow myself to have.

I went shopping last night to buy a new jacket and ended up with a great coat, two pairs of amazing shoes, and a blue shirt ( a color I normally would not wear) but I love them all. I came to realize last night ( Thanks to an amazing friend and amazing young man) that its ok to let people do something for you. Its ok to let people spend money on you. It kinda made me force myself to realize that I am special, That I do deserve to be treated, instead of always treating others.

The clothes only excentuate the person who wears them, Its funny how looking good can make a person have so much more confidence. I felt like I could stop a crowded room and have all eyes on me. I felt like I was walking on the moon. I felt like I could touch the stars. I was happy, its funny to look and think, It wasnt so much the "THINGS" that were bought but the confidence, the love, the hope, the excitment and the things I learned that have made me happy. Its not the materials that life is made out of its how we wear them....

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Game Over You Lose

So recently I have been taking inventory on the "CLUTTER" in my life.
Sorting thru the mess that I am surrounded by and figuring out how to clean it.

Recently I have some amazing spiritual moments.
I have grown and matured so much.
I am glad to finally know who I turly am without the "CLUTTER" and Who I can become.
I know a little about what my future has in store for me and what great things lie ahead. They wont be easy but I am prepared!
I am 26 and too old to sit around and play games with people. I need to focus on my future and figure out what people are going to be there. I need to figure out what people are ready for what is in store for me and who will be strong enough to endure it with me and support me through it.
I need to focus on finding my eternal companion, someone who will support me in all my endevours, travel the world with me, raise a family centered around the teachings of Christ, some one who will love me for all that I am, and be there for me in all that I will do.
I need to start thinking about my future family and I am preparing for them now.
I am 26 years old and I am an amazing young woman, a choice daughter of God, and I DO NOT deserve to have my heart played with and my emotions messed with. I deserve to be treated with respect and intergity, and most of all honesty. I deserve the best.

So I am done playing Games
My heart is not a toy.
My love is not a game.
You had your chance for something that would have been amazing.
You are losing the most amaazing woman you met.
You are too blind to see the great blessing God has given you.
I am sorry
I could have loved you.
But if this was a game
you lost
GAME OVER

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

let me introduce you to... " ME!"

Hi I am Jenn!
I am Mormon!

ok ok so you want to know more well here it goes..I figure its about time people get know who I really am..
If I were going to put myself into a catagory it would be " Jack of all Trades, Master of None"

Let me explain. I love to do so many things, Draw, Sing, Dance, Paint, Drive, Build things, Pottery, Ceramics, Writing, and so much more... but im not really all that outstadning in any of them, I have never actually spent enough time to cultivate any of them








Well lets see I graduated in 2003 and after that I went to Spain for a month on an educational tour! it was awesome. I love to travel and if I could travel for the rest of my life I would!
after that I started at MJC where I had no clue what I wanted to major in, and to be honest here 8 years later almost 9 I still dont know what I want to get a degree in, I am currently on my 5 major and my 3rd school. I am currently majoring in Graphic Design with a Minor in Photojournalism. Theres another on I love taking pictures! or having my picture taken ;) LOL.

lets see some things I love.. I warn you I am a DORK! I love cartoons, you know, Looney Tunes, Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Elmer Fudd, Old Mickey Mouse, SUPERMAN!!!! batman beyond, almost any comic book one, I love to watch those chessey disney channel movies they come out with every month, as much as I love to watch the history channel, Mythbusters, and ocassionally an episode of the Jersey Shore. I like to watch Ghost Adventures and paranormal stuff. I enjoy cuddling up with a good fantasy novel and reading about vampires, and wherewolves, elves, giants, unicorns and whatever other creatures are around. I lvoe Star Trek and Star Wars..I love old movies, Shirley Temple, Singing in the Rain, OH and BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO ARE AWESOME!. I could sit and watch disney movies, maybe just one a day though. I like to explore new places and even if I am scared I still like to try new things. I call my self adventurous and quite spontaneous, I would pick up right now and go on vacation if I had the money... I dont need to plan it, the fun things happen when there hasnt been a plan!

I love Italian food, I love to bake, I like to make cakes, I want to learn to cook better.I dont like milk chocolate but do love Dark Chocolate. I dont like twizzlers, They are a chip rip off of Red Vines, I lvoe nachos, and I love chinese food. I try not to eat alot of sugar so when I bake I give it all away, I bake alot when I am stressed out or worried.

I like to play chess, and risk both fun games! I like to play sports, soccer Volleyball, basketball, football! I love it! not a fan of watching it though but the superbowl is cool, and hockey is always fun! I would rather be playing tho! I also like to go fishing.

I love the piano, I would love to be able to play but I would much rather sit and listen to someone else play it calms me and make me smile! <3 <3 music is a big huge part of my life! I just finished writing my first song completed! woo woo! i cant wait to record a demo, I finished writing the song at the LDS Temple grounds in Oakland



I love to read comic books, as much as I like to play video games. but as much as I love video games, I Love being outside, sitting basking in the sun, out at the lake camping, and boating,

down at the beach playing frisbee or football, up in the mountains exploring old towns and hiking, or going horseback riding.




I am fasinated by guns and love to go out shooting, even if that is using airsoft or now i found i rather like paintball.


I love spending time with people, if I could I would do something every night so I could spend time with friends, geocaching, board games, other random games, swimming, walking, whatever spending time interacting with people is important to me. I love boomers and funworks I love go carts and putt-putt Golf, I love arcade games and winning those tickets that really doesnt get you much of anything, I love stuffed animlas and have quite a collection in containers for my future children each with its ouwn story and sentimental value,

I have a collection of barbies too, yes I still play barbies with my niece, So what its good for an active imagination, I have a collection of Superman stuff too its displayed in my room.





 I love to play in the irrigation water and with my dogs, I love to get dirty mud is awesome for the skin, I want to learn to work on cars more than i already do, I am not afraid to get my hands dirty.



My mind is always active so I try to do stuff all the time, because I get bored quite easily, I enjoy talking, maybe too much! but hey whatever, I could talk for days! ok maybe not that much... but I do love to talk.

I have dealt with depression my whole life and struggled with my self image forever, I have always hated how I looked and am making changes now.

 I dealt with bullying my whole life, being teased and made fun of. That negitive stuff is hard to get rid of but I am decluttering my mind and getting rid of all that false stuff taht has been built up, I can be and will be happy with who I am and I am actually starting to be. I through myself into service projects to help others so that I can see that my struggles are nothing compared to theirs, I know that I am capable of helping others and feel I should as much and as long as I am able to do so.


I may be a dork, I may be a nerd, I may not be a sexy Hot woman, but I am beautiful,


I may love to much but that is who I am, I Love with all my heart and am loyal to those I call my friends. I am always there when anyone needs help. I may not be a tidy OCD clean person but I am clean, I may not seem all that innocent but I am , there are things I have no clue what people are talking about, and I am completley ok with not knowing. I am creative and imaginative, I am spontaneous, and ambitious, I have big dreams well actually I have big goals, because dreams are just that dreams but Goals will be accomplished. I will be a country singer someday and receive an award, I want to meet Dolly Parton and sing a song with her and record it.



 I want to get married in the LDS Temple, I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints and I have a testimony of Gods Gospel and his love for all his children. I want to have children and raise a family.


I learned from the past, I have fun in the present and I dream of my future!
Hi I am Jenn......
This was the real me
It is a pleasure to meet you!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

WHO KNEW HE WAS MY KRYPTONITE

THIS SUPERGIRL HAS FALLEN RATHER ILL.
the stress of letting go of an amazing best friend, the guy I am so in love with, The guy who would never feel the same, the guy who was always there for me and could always make me smile when the clouds of sadness were rolling in, the guy who would straighten me out when I was heading down the wrong path.

Yes he is my kryptonite, whether I stay his friend and endure the pain of being in love with someone whom I can never be with, or I endure the pain of letting go of my best friend. This kryptonite has left me week and ill... physically anad mentally drained. I have been pushing  through pretending that I am OK... but its all catchin up with me... This Supergirl has fallen so hard that my physical self is weak and has fallen ill.

I pray I can overcome this kyrptonite and come out a stronger more powerful young woman!

Monday, November 7, 2011

SINKING SOUL BROKEN HEART

Well that was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life.. one week ago I told my best friend that it was time to part ways. It took everything I had to tell him. I know that my love for him will not change, and I know that it was not a healthy relationship pretending that we were ok. I know that we would never be together I know that would only be friends, I wasnt dilussional I just fell in love with him despite his flaws cuz i even fell in love with those...Lol.... The heartache of being his friend, however has been eating away at me for awhile. Its like being allergic to your favorite food and keeping it in the fridge where you see it everyday, haunting you, taunting you, but you can never have it.. the decision needed to be made, and hopefully it was the right decision. I am not handling my own decision very well, however, I feel as though my soul is sinking into a dark hole and I shattered my own heart into a million pieces. Im just glad that I am good at puzzles but I am starting to wonder that in making this decision did I lose a piece of my heart? only time will tell where the roads will go, and what will be waiting when we get there. I will, for now, move forward in life knowing how amazing I am and knowing what he is missing out on, I will carry on and lean on my faith in God to carry me through this difficult time. I will prepare my self for te amazing future I know awaits me. I will always love and care for him, I will never forget all the amazing time we spent together, I will never forget how much he helped me and all the hard times he was there for me. I just wish there was another way but my love for him is making me crazy and jealous, and its not healthy... I will miss him greatly, I feel like I died in side the day I said goodbye.. but i guess I am getting a few great songs out of it... farewell my friend, I Love you with all my heart and soul. I know you prolly wont read this but by the slight chance you. Im sorry I fell in Love with you...
This will just make me stronger... I will overcome and survive...
I will be ok again!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

GoOdByE HuRtS LiKe HeLl

There comes a time when we must part ways with the ones we love most. Whether that be through death, moving, or a hard decision. i think saying goodbye to someone who dies is easier then saying goodbye to someone who is still around just because you made the decision to part ways it wasnt made for you, and that person is still around and you may run into them... it happens and those moments will be handled when and if they occur

    There comes a time in life when Hard decision need to be made no matter how much they hurt. sometimes saying goodbye is the only choice we are left with in certain situations. Being in love with someone who doesnt love you back hurts like hell, but add to that the fact that they are your closest friend and the one who you could always depend on, the one who made your day that much better, the one who you look forward to spending time with despite the feelings you have for them, the one person who could make you smile on your worst day, and the one who for them you were willing to go through hell to remain their friend, to push those feelings away in order to sustain a friendship that meant everything to you, makes it that much harder. The decision to finally part ways and try and move forward has been tough, The breaking point finally arrived and a decision needed to be made, it has finally come the time to break ties with the one person who was one of the most important and constant friendships i have had in my lfe. I weighed the options and finally the conclusion was it would be better for both parties to move on and part way. the anxiety of having to tell my best friend that it was over that our friendship could no longer overcome the tension that I created with the love I had for him was overwhelming, but I was not prepared for the response... I felt like the most horrible person in the world the night I ended my most important friendship I felt like garbage. I felt as though I had jsut done the worst thing in the world to this person.
  
I did not ask to fall in love with this person despite his flaws, I did not ask to become close to this person, it just happened, I have tried to analyze why I love him so much and why I loved him for his flaws. I never did figure that one out. I was never dilussional I knew we would always be only be friends. I loved you first as my best friend... I dealt with the other feelings....

So I ended it, but why do I feel so horrible, the pain in my heart is the worst yet, my soul is breaking as my heart does, the tears wont stop, I struggled all halloween day to put up a happy face just to be ok, but when the end of the night came the overwhelming grief of loss hit me like a nuclear bomb, its a struggle that I dont know if I can win, the struggle between the love in my heart and the enmotions fighting the logical reasoning of my brain...

I need to win this fight and bring my logic and emotions together to join my heart and head in the same fight... I need to move forward into my future, becoming the Daughter of God I know I can be and that I really want to be. To become worthy for the blessings of my Heavenly Father.

The tears fall onto my keyboard as I type out my feelings on this blistery, windy first day of November 2011... but its ok because
GOODBYE HURTS LIKE HELL

I still Love you.

goodbye my friend.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

echos in the caverns of my mind

just like the music that plays nonstop inside my head. Your voice haunts me with every breathe I take. I remeber every footstep tread. I hold on for my hearts sake. The endless love I have for you. will it ever go away. I ask myself what to do. but my heart has nothing to say. Its breaking slowly, a little more every day. every time i see your face. I want to run away. and leave forever without a trace. our friendship means the world to me. but i ponder if i can take it anymore. knowing we can never be. hurts and kills me to my core. My tortured soul cries for you. but i can never let it show. there is nothing i can do. but to let you go. It's funny how society shapes our perceptions and our lives. I live in a world that tells me I'm a cow... I'm fat. And because of that Im not good enough to date. I know guys are visual creations its all about how skinny is she boobs butt whatever but few want to date a fatty. Seriously. The thoughts that run thru my head echo thru my soul and puncture my heart. I will never be that girl... I will never be good enough, skinny enough, have the right butt or whatever. Well I am beautiful I know this but still not to society standards of acceptable. You would never have given me a Chance. It's a sad sick reality but it happens The echoes in the cavern of my mind remind me that the love I have is just not strong enough. It's the pain of living. And growing. It's time to change try to be a new.person. try and time to be confident in myself. And so thru the.echo I hear let's conquer the world.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The nightmares of reality



As the night falls I find myself falling into a state of peaceless rest. The turning of a clear night sky into a cloudy grey night. I find my eyes focus through the darkness and see a face. searching for a reason as to the dreary change of the night. I can remeber a time when a sunny bright day when the sun would reflect off my glowing hair would turn into a night that was still and peaceful, when there were no clouds, when the stars smiled down upon me and the moonlight danced across my skin. alas those days have dissapeared and now all there is is darkness. I try hard to remeber those times to pray and plead for the sun and moonlight to come back to me once again, for the clouds to leave. I find myself crying as the fear creeps up my spine as I stand in a place unknown to my soul and heart. as I look your face is there in the distance obscured by the darkness, you haunt me. I am alone and stuck unable to move paralyzed by fear that I will lose my way if I move, but I fear if I dont move I will forever be stuck in this darkness that has engulfed me in its arms. I reach for your hand but you taunt me, pretending that you are there, reaching back but always keeping just out of reach, your smile is comforting but at the same time it kills me, because I have no smile left in my own eyes. there are times when you dissapear and I think maybe you are gone forever, finally decided to leave me and forget about me, but you always come back, there at the edge of the view in this darkness, I know you, you are someone I love, someone I can never let go of, someone that I will never forget, your face, your smile, your sarcasm, your laugh, but mostly your strong masculine voice, I hear you speak, but I am not listening, my head is wrapped around the sinking feeling in my soul, I kneel in hopes you will just come rescue me or put me out of my misery once and for all. My heart beats to the sound of the music that ringes through my head but how long before the music dies and my heart stops beating. I feel a hand someone else has come into this place, someone who sits next to me and listens to the music in my head, comforts my fearful soul, his hand graces my face with its touch, the palms of a cold hand, I shiver as the cold sweeps down across my neck and to my shoulder. I shutter under the heaviness the touch brings to my soul, the touch becomes harder. the face at the edge of the darkness is gone... where did you go why did you leave me!... the man who sits here with me now as I feel abandoned, his eyes are dark and empty, i try to move but his hand on my shoulder hold me I am caught up in the emptiness of his gaze wondering where it goes, I am mesmerized by this new sensation, but the weight of his hand on me begins to make me fall, i try to hold myself up right but I cant i fall back into the mud, I scream not knowing what to do... I see a flash of light from the distance, it grows closer and brighter, the man is distractd by the light that is coming to save me I can hear them call my name, the man loosens his grip and I run toward the light if only for a moment i reach the edge of the light and am comforted but for a moment, then a hand reaches for my and holds it tight as the light slowly departs from my feet and the darkness grows I focus on the light but the hand i am holding is warm and comforting, I turn to see a captivating face, something interesting and mesmerizing about his smile, the touch of his warm habd is strong and comforting, I never want to let go, but there is something in his eyes, there is a light but it is dim, and as he speaks there is a hint of danger radiating from the words, I look past and see the face at the edge of the darkness again just watching, I smile knowing you are still out there somewhere, my heart stops to see you frown, the warm hand lets go and I am jolted back to the man in front of me, his engulfs me in his strong warm arms, ambraced by him I feel his heart beat strong and sturdy, it comforts me and i sink into his chest and rest for but a moment, he pushes me away and leaves, I drop to my knees wondering why, I then see you come closer, closer then ever before you put your hand on my shoulder and then take me into an embrace, you soothe my soul, you rest my heart, you elliviate the pain I feel, you stop the fear from taking over. you have been my steadfast comfort from letting go completley. Even now in your arms I cant help but know its only for a moment and soon you will be gone, you are not mine nor will your ever give me that kind of chance. I am done searching, I dont want to be lost in this darkness anymore. I hear a loud banging and my ears ring as the sound gets louder, i close my eyes and when I open them again I find myself in my bed, snuggled into my pillow not wanting to let go of the feeling of being in your arms, if only im my dreams, you will always be my heart, and you will always live in my soul. The reality of life sinks in and I sink back into the light of the sun outside my window, I sit up and gaze out teh window to the dew spakling on the grass still holding tight to my pillow, pondering the wonderful day God has made for us today, wondering what blessing he has in store, a magpie rests on the barbedwire fence and sings a earie song as a fox gracefully balances his way across the fence. the sun shines brighter but I just soak up its warmth and remeber that God loves me and if I let go of evrything else and turn to him the light will always be there, searching through the darkness to find his lost children. Even though the darkness is evrywhere he can bring us back into the light.
I shutter at the thought of the visitors in my dream and remeber that one of them at least is my best friend, and even though I will always be in love with him and I wont always be able to be around him He will forever be the biggest part of my life, My hero when I wanted to die, and a pillar of strength who helped me in some of the hardest times, someone I used to laugh with, someone who used to make me smile (even though now he makes me sad), some one who i used to like to talk to for hours, someone who reminded me to remeber who I am, I know my feelings for him will never change now matter how much I try to change them. All I know is that I need to get back to who I am, to find my way out of this darkness and find my way back to the light.

The nightmares of my sleeping world are my reality, they are the truth at the heart of my soul, my heart beats only to the music in my head. music is the water to my thirsty soul, a moment in time cant pass when the music isnt playing, If the music ever stopped I would lose my soul and heart, I hacve thought about pushing stop and just let it die, to let my heart stop beating, but I enjoy the music to much, I want to share it with the world, I will someday become the woman I need to be, SOMEDAY...

maybe....

but how much more of a nightmare can one girl endure, how much fear, and sorrow and darkness can one girl endure in her lifetime.... before it becomes to much and she completely lets got and gives into the dark, and entirely forgets what the sunshine felt like, forgets how the stars shined, and forgets how the moonlight danced across her skin, how much until reality becomes a neverending nightmare...and the music becomes haunting...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Jumped a track and its time to get back!

Well it has been a year I am down 100 lbs and I have been on a bit of a break the last few months. I was exhausted and tired and needed time for myself. Like a train I jumped the track. and just like that train its gonna take some crazy effort to get back on. I am gonna need to push myself even harder for the next few months just so I can get down to a weight so that I can get my plastic surgery done! helping me get back on track like the crane that will left that train back up is the running club and training for a half marathon in March! I am super excited and looking forward to that finish line after 13 miles! I am enjoying running now and excited about what kind of doors will be opened to me once i complete my weight loss goals, ( cross the finish line) and get my surgery done... I am getting back on track in my spiritual life to I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of  Latter Day Saints and have been struggling withsome moral issues and now I am repenting and getting back on track, I am a full tithe payer and I am preparing myself to be temple worthy. I have started reading my scriptures and am learning to include heavenly father in my life decisions! blessing are everywhere in everything even our trials are blessing just got to remeber that and keep moving forward with gratitude. I am a derailed train slowly getting back up on the track and soon will be barreling down those tracks and into a great future!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The looking glass reflects the realities of life

There are moments in life when you look at certain aspects of life.
I have been sitting here trying to figure things out.
I have been pondering some interesting things, I mean ok, A guy and a girl can be amazing friends, trust each other, talk for hours, enjoy spending time together whether its going out and dancing, hanging out with friends, sitting and playing video games, or just sitting for hours and listening to music and nothing else.I find it funny how you can love everything about a person but still not love them or want to be "with" them.
stopping to look into the looking glass the reality sets in, our society has placed SOOO much emphasis on the way we look. Looking into the mirror I find myself scrutinizing everything, I find myself dwelling on how much more weight I need to lose and not on how much I have achieved already.

I look and think how many girls are in my same situation being in love with someone they will never bne with.

I sit and ponder this: why is that a girl can be a guys best friend and he talks about what he wants in a girl, someone he can talk to and laugh with, someone that is adventurous and like to be outdoors, someone who wears their makeup a certain way or dresses and certain way or even will sit and listen to music or play video games for hours. BUT... even though you and him to that all the time and his "girl" has all the same attributes you have, He wont choose you, you have everything he is looking for EXCEPT: how you look.

as i peer into the looking glass everyday that reality reflects back to me... that I have all the qualifications he wants in a girl, Im pretty, im adventuraous, we enjoy spending endless hours together even if we arent doing anything,dude he will even make out with me BUT... becuz I am not that skinny "HOT" girl he is looking for he doesnt want  to actually be in a relationship with me. looking at myself all I can do is think that Im not good enough and that takes me back to dwelling on what I need to lose... what I need to change... makes up some lame excuses... OMG! really... but I have to give him credit for at least being upfront and honest about it right....

I try to focus on me, I know who I am, I have my identity , but I have one big piece of clutter still left in my life... The clutter that I am never gonna be good enough until I am skinny, until I become that "hot" girl, that perfect girl, that one that he wants....

The one that most guys want, being raised in a society where looks are the basis of a relationship, and even when you get to know a person and they have all the personality qualities you are looking for you still dont accept them beacause they may be overweight...

so when i peer into the looking glass the reality that has been reflecting to me the past few weeks is that I have a long way to go before being accepted, before I will be close enough to even think you may look at me different. I have loved you long enough, I owe you the world for showing me my heart again.

I will say this I am tired of the shallowness and superficialness that I am surrounded by, being a girl in my position being in love with someone who will never love her back is devestating and lonely... it sucks and I cant take it anymore!!!!

I honestly cant wait till next year and my plastic surgery.... Im so over this

Monday, September 26, 2011

TWO STONES ONE BIG STAINED GLASS LIFE

life can be as fragile as a stained glass window at times. Think about it we work through life picking out the good times and keeping them to get us through adding these beautiful pieces to our window and when one breaks or the piece doesnt fit we set it aside and continue on to the next piec in order to complete the big picture that the window should become, like and image of christ, modeling our lifes so that each piece in the end will come as close to a resemblence of the christs life was. we may not always have the exact pieces but they can come close. and at times we may lose some pieces and have to search for them. Then when we finally get it done things are looking great and we put the window out on display to share with the world and set an example, working hard to protect it from the bumps in the road as we transport it  place to place just to arrive at a destination. a destination we think is safe somewhere we are comfortable, and feel safe and then out of no where two rocks fly out of nowhere and shatter all the hard work you have put into your beautiful window (life) those rocks can represent anything (alcohol, immorality, cussing, drama, gossip, or anything really) its those times when you look at the hard work shattered on the floor with only a little of the window left still clinging on to the frame, and this isnt the first time, everytime you take your window out it gets shattered.

this to me is like life, people overexaggerate things that were said, friends talk about friends behind their backs yet when caught deny it to their face. friends leave other friends out, feelings get hurt, things get blown out of proportion, people make other people feel stupid, fake or inadequate, feelings get hurt, people give into temptations and allow their inhibitions go, regret sets in afterwards and can eat away at a persons soul, people let the words and actions of others bring them down, stress them out and build up inside with a feeling of worthlessness. some people relapse to hurting themselves to feel better, whether they hurt themselves mentally or physically its still damaging.

hearing "your fat" or being rejected or judged because you are overweight takes its toll over time, leads to eating disorders and other addictions to heal from the pain that is caused. people in need of a release form overwhelming pain will turn to other things that will hurt worse and just cause more pain in the end I know from expeirence.

I talked to an old friend today who gave me some good advice and really uplifted my spirits from the Drama that is going on and from the pain and stress I have been dealing with the last couple months. he said to me " dont let the actions and words of others dictate how you feel about yourself, you are who you are and ou my dear are a beautiful smart daughter of god." we talked awhile and we discussed how hearing that you are no good enough, not pretty enough or not skinny enough can take its toll on a person and it was nice to hear (from a guy) " that you are smart enough, and you are beautiful thats for sure..." it was a little sunshine in a day that started out with clouds, fog, thunder lightning, a hurricane, a tornado, a few eathquakes, and a wildfire. Im glad I was able to have a conversation with someone who lives no where near here, and who always has positivity and love. I am grateful for heavenly father for giving me that sunshine today. he also bore his testimony of the church to me and helped me to realize that all I really need in life is my testimony and my faith, and everything else will fall into place as it should, I vow from this day forward to work my hardest to stay true to my faith, read my scriptures and follow the doctrines and the holy spirit.

I believe that everytime someone throws a rock through our beautiful stained glass windows of life, everytime we put forth the effort to rebuild it we make it that much stronger so that each time a rock is thrown again less and less of the window breaks and it is easier to fix/mend each time, unti leventually we will have built our windows (lives) so strong that nothing will be able to break it and it will last on into eternity with us!

I love you all
I know the LDS church is true
I know the scriptures can help guide us through the trials (blessings) in life
I know that we become stronger everytime we fall and get back up
I have a testimony of the greatness of the atonement of christ
I know heavenly father knows each of us individually and loves us all personally
in jesus name
AMEN!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

as the white owl flies at night

So I decided to update my blog and lately I have seriously been dwelling on one thing. I have been Engrossed in White Owls and their symbolism.

Let me explain. Every night as I am driving no matter where I am A white owl flies along with my car and then takes off. This has been going on for a long time. I have encountered White owls my entire life Even when I am out walking at night I have seen white owls. So I decided to study them and their symbolism in different cultures.

Greeks, Romans, and Celts used the White Owl as symbol of:

Psychic Powers
Spirituality
The Angel of Death
The "Goddess" of night
Asian and European cultures used the Owl as a symbol of Wisdom and spiritualism.
I also found some interesting connections: My name Jennifer is derived from the ancient name Guinnevere and I tied that to King Arthur's Queen Guinnevere's name = "White Shadow" - Her symbol was the White Owl. I found that fanscinating

I have also found that a white owl is the messenger of death in alot of cultures which is a little scary since i see them every night.

I have also found another interesting point that in African culture the Owl Represents Wizardry and or witchcraft.

The white owl does not scare me I have come to adopt it as my spirit animal as my dear friend. I will always keep white owls close to my heart. They are wise beautifu land majestic.

If you have heard anything interesting about white owls let me know add a comment below...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tommorow will be a better day and the sun will shine

Recently I had a discussion with a guy who had become one of my best friends, we had bceome really really close. My mistake is that I fell for him, not at first but after the first time we kissed I fell for him, I told him how I felt but decided we would jsut be friends. I was ok with that, I slowly got over liking him, but... then it that all changed, we made out adn i was like well what the heck, you dont make out with your "friends", I thought ok maybe this was just a one time thing caught up in the moment thing, but it happened 2 more times after that, and holding hands like we did was not something "friends" do, I was confused at what was going on, asked myself "what are we doing?" "what are we?" so I decided to find out, well yeah stepped in a pile of crap on that one, he made me feel like it was my fault, I think i remeber it being said that he believed what we were doing was wrong and he was just going along with me... WTF is that.... Whatever, the only thing that matters is that I love myself, I think thats what makes this time harder, because I have found respect and love for myself and thought that maybe just someone else did too, like me as more than a friend, I Love myself and to let myself get hurt was a mistake I should have prepared for. BUT... at least I am learning lessons, I was told that every trial and every breakdown we have in life is a new begining a time to start new and begin with a clean slate. My best friend of the last what i think 6 yrs told me last night that its time to stop trying to help everyone else and to help myself and focus on me, So I know he is right and its time for me to refocus and not lose sight of my goals. He also told me that I need to figure out what i want in life and figure out how to get it, well I thought about it, and the one thing i want I know i can never have, but career wise my dreams and goals of becoming a Singer will come true, I will make the sacrifices that are needed to become the one thing I have only dreamed of being. I realized this morning as I looked at before and after photos from last year to this year That I am freakin hot! I mean I look amazing, and After i reach my final goal weight and get some palstic surgery done in January Watch out is all I have to say. the funny thing is, even though Im still in love with my best friend, I am learning to live with it and make it something different, I am going to allow myself to leave my comfort zone, I am gonna get out and see the world, I read some of the book of mormon this morning and read about temples and realize that I do still have a testimony, I know that the my choice of being  LDS was the right one, I know that the church is true and that I am more able to cope with things being a member and having something to believe in, I  Do BELIEVE with all my heart, Change is coming and its for the better!
in the words of Dolly Parton
NOW WE DONT KNOW WHAT HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE
BUT WEVE SEEN ENOUGH HELL RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW
BUT WHEN THE ROAD IS THE ROUGHEST
AND THE PROBLEMS ARE THE TOUGHEST
OR WHEN THE TIMES ARE THE HARDEST
AND THAT OLE SKY IS THE DARKEST
YOU GOTTA KEEP THE FAITH CUZ I BELIEVE THERES A BETTER DAY
AND THOSE OL BLUES WHY THERE JUS GONNA ROLL RIGHT ON AWAY
I KNOW THEY ARE LISTEN TO ME
ALL THATS BLUE AINT SKY AND SEA
SOME OF THAT BLUES BOUND TO GET ON ME
BUT THE BLUES DONT COME TO STAY
THEYLL MOVE AWAY ON A BETTER DAY
TROUBLES AND WOES AND MISERY
AINT GONNA GET THE BEST OF ME
LIFT THE SHADES FIX MY GAZE
ON A BETTER DAY CLEAR AWAY
BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD
WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED
WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD
THERES A BETTER WAY THERES A BRIGHTER DAY
OH THERES A BETTER DAY WITH CLEARER SKIES
HOPE AND PROMIS ON THE RISE
OH THE FUTURE WELL ITS LOOKIN BRIGHT ON A BETTER DAY
LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY
THERES A BETTER DAY
BETTER DAYS JUST UP AHEAD
WHEN SORROW AINT SLEEPIN IN MY BED
WHEN PEOPLE AINT MESSIN WITH MY HEAD
THERES A BETTER DAY THERES A BETTER DAY
OH ALL THATS BLUE IT AINT SKY AND SEA
SOME OF THAT BLUES GONNA FALL ON ME
OH THE FUTURES LOOKIN BRIGHT
THERES A BETTER DAY LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY


THANKS DOLLY FOR THIS SONG

THANKS TO MY BEST FRIEND <3

THANKS TO HEAVENLY FATHER FOR BEING THERE AND LOVING ME EVEN AFTER I STRAY FROM THE PATH.

I AM THANKFUL FOR REPENTANCE AND THE ATONEMENT OF CHRIST

ITS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD, ONWARD, AND UP WARD, TIME TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS AND RIDE IT TILL IT BREAKS, I WILL ACCOMPLISH EVERYTHING I SET FORTH TO DO AND I WILL SHOW EVERYONE THAT I AM NOT A FORCE TO MESS WITH

I AM AN AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, LOYAL, GENUINE, ENCOURAGING, LOVING, CARING, DEVOTED, DEDICATED, SUPPORTING, HUMOROUS, ADVENTUROUS, SPONTANEOUS, LOCQUACIOUS, ENERGETIC, MUSICAL, ROMANTIC, SEXY YOUNG WOMAN
WHO WILL NOW NOT LET ANYTHING STOP HER!



Sunday, July 24, 2011

Summer time heartbreak and concert tour

SO wow!  this summer has started of very interesting! but I am having a blast even amidst dealing with an oncoming broken heart that I see will soon be happening.... Its just hard when that heartbreak is gonna come from one of your best friends, but it is my fault, I had to go and spend so much time with this guy and start having feelings for him but what did I expect when you hold hands, kiss and wake up next to each other. I just wish I hadnt let myself go, Ill just keep reminding myself that I dont want history to repeat itself! That and still being in love with the guy who has been my best friend for the last what 6 years or something. but looking into the future I know there is so much greatness ahead of me that I wont let myself get down and I gotta keep treking onward! This summer has so far been full of awesomeness. I won a 100 year pass to the stanislaus county fair so i went to the concerts I saw Clint Black, Clay Walker, Joan Jett and last night I got to see Heidi newfield and Joe Nichols! man Joe Nichols is SOOOO HOT... I got a guitar pick from him... he is one hot singer!!!! Tonight I am going to the Dolly Parton Concert in Concord! Im super excited, Im hoping I can somehow get backstage! It has been my life long dream to meet her and I hope that someday that dream will come true!  I look forward to the res tof the summer, More cocnerts, Hot August Nights in Reno, Las Vegas, Maybe a Cruise, Camping at the lake, Wave runners and maybe just maybe I will find someone who will love me back instead of me just loving them... Plus I will be getting closer to my weightloss goasl and preparing for my future! maybe even get a house.
here is a before and after picture...
July 2010- July 2011
See you in my next blog! luv ya!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Living amogst the unicorns

Life is such a funny thing sometimes, but Boy am i glad to have had every experience good and bad. all experiences are blessings, Trials make us stronger and the good times remind us that there is something more to this life! I look and realize that each one of us is unique we all have special gifts and talents to share with the world.

Life has been really hard for me Lately I look and feel like im living in a world of uinicorns, surrounded by beautiful thin woman, and handsome sexy men,  looks I have dreamed about, features I want to see in myself, But I can never live up to the social expectations of becoming a unicorn, for one reason! THEY DONT EXIST! No one on this earth is perfect, everyone is flawed in some way. I met the most beautiful girl the other day, She was a model for a high end fashion magazine and books many shows and has even posed in playboy. She was beautiful, perfect body (plastic surgery) perfect hair ( dyed ) and pefect clothes (debt) BUT she had no personality she was rude, stuck up, didnt care about anyone else, and had no morals or standards, the attitude that she was better than everyone and people should worship her, WELL hunny guess what, She became UGLY to me after that. If being beautiful and accepted by society and being loved means, becoming a fake, plastic, barbie doll who has major credit card debt well screw that.

I will take being myself, a loving, caring, loyal, talented, amazing, dedicated, friendly, spontanious, adventurous, exciting, musical, charitable, amazingly awesome, average girl I am now. I have the most amazing personality and amazing talent to share with the world.

I dont need to be a perfect to be a unicorn. beacause I am beautiful and I am majestic, dag nabbit I am a unicorn... I am unique and proud of it.

I just finished my first single call Dont be afraid to love me, and I dedicated it to all thos guys who rejected me because I wasnt thin enough or model enough for them, I need a real man anyways who can be kind, caring, sing, and is strong enough to love me, I dont think any of the guys I know are good enough for me, I need someone who is amazing. SOMEDAY. but my first single is dedicated to those who would not even given me a chance and judged this book on its cover. cuz by the end of the year they are gonna SO REGRET IT!!! :) sorry y'all missed out if you are reading this and you will know who you are...

oh and p.s. I hate that im still head over heels in love with him... GRR will it ever go away!! hahaha

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Flying to the moon lyric to lyric

I remeber when we first started talking, you sent me a link to a youtube video, The song was Just a dream, I listened to that song and ever since that one song Music has been a connection.Why I decided to hang out with you in the first place I will never know, your not the kind of person I usually would want to associate with especially based on my history. I did it anyways, maybe I cared to much because I knew you didnt really have anyone, maybe my heart felt for you and I never want anyone to feel alone. We hung out all the time, listening to music till the late hours, sitting by the fire, or hitting up karaoke. It was nice to have someone want to hang out with me, It was nice to have someone to accompany me to go to Karaoke. We texted each other all the time, I enjoyed the randomness, and the craziness that ensued between us. I enjoyed the late night video games, I enjoyed kissing you, I enjoyed holding hands, I enjoyed cuddleing, most of all I enjoyed just being with you, and the moments of just talking. You are so attractive and I made the mistake of falling for you, but lesson learned never kiss someone you are not dating because you may fall for them and they prolly wont... You flew me to the moon with songs and lyrics, it was written in the stars, Im addicted and i just cant get enough. Im not afraid of you, and that one night you flew me to the moon, you made me feel as if I were a woman, beautiful and wanted. but that all changed, slowly slipped away, return to earth, boring and lame, you changed, told me I was nobody, that I wasnt even a girl, you brought me back to reality, i guess I was hoping for too much, I thought maybe it was real, but you were just leading me on and playing with my heart, well I think I left a piece back on the moon, amongst all the lyrics and pictures we shared on our adventure of randomness.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Fire uner your blog

Sitting around the Fire and Thinking about how much i wish he was here. Its sad how we find a connection with someone and it ends up being more pain then joy. That when you really want to be with someone you arent even given the chance... It sad how so many judge someone solely based on there looks and write them off as just nobody. Its sad how many times we walk through the fire to help someone out and they dont give you anything in return. walking that fire for that one person you like can become addicting, and hence you become addicted to that person and when your the only person in their life it turns out that even thought you give them so much they dont want you at all. they play with your heart and then take back everything they ever said and all the actions that ever took and throw them in the fire along with your emotions and even though you want to give them the world they dont want to take it, and even though you have the most to offer, and amazing, beautiful, talented, loyal, loving, dedicated person who has everything to offer no one wants it unless wrapped in the perfect little package... SCREW that and screw all those people who threw me into the fire, treated me as a passing ember, forget anyone who played and broke my heart!
its your turn to walk the fire, Im already a pro so good luck catching me, when I am that perfect girl and you realize what you coul have had, it will be too late!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

New destinations of a buterfly

So I received a text message from a friend that said "lust of a butterfly". I looked at that and thought how fitting for the situation I am in. because this friend has become more to me than that, he knows I like him because I have told him, however like most of the male species he is Shallow, Vain, Egotistical, and superficial. I am so fed up with guys treating me as if i am not a girl, like im one of the boys, as if im nobody.... I dont know why, is it becuase I am not the hott girl they are looking for, that "unicorn" per say the girl that is skinny, and beautiful, (perfect)..... it sucks being me stuck in this body that was givin to me. For some reason I was meant to go thru life like this, I look back a see that for most of my childhood and on I have been overweight, dont know why, I have struggled with this my entire life, the issues surrounding it, the medical aspects, but there really is only one great explanation, I was meant to be up until now this way, to go thru the things I went thru, to become more sympathetic to others, to be more caring and loving, to understand what people are going thru that maybe in the future through my music and career I can uplift others and hep them thru the things they are going thru.

I have lost 110 lbs so far, Im close to my goal now 90 more to go.....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when i do reach my goal, will people act or treat me different , maybe... I wonder if you realize how many times a day i think about ( is the only reason he wont date me because Im a fat cow?) I think about that constantly.... I mean when you have a friendship and are close to someone, where you can talk about anything, you have complete trust in each other, you enjoy spending time with each other, you laugh and have fun, among other things.... so what is the problem.... i mean really, is that it, Im not "THAT GIRL" the one that is (HOT) in terms of todays societal expectation of what a woman should look like. I mean come on why do men have to be so stupid, Why cant they get past their own superficial and shallow brains and see that, they are missing out on an amazing, talented, accomplished, smart, adventurous, spontaneous, and beautiful woman. I have alot planned for the future and someday I will be able to share that with someone.

I look forward to the day when I reach my goals and look back to see that just maybe that little glimmer in the eyes of so many who broke my heart the thought that "HMMMM how did i not see that coming?"

This will be me someday... I will reach my goals.... this is the day I look forward too...

all i have to say is looks come and go and fade with time, but the true beauty of a heart divine never ends" I have come to realize that my heart is loyal to those i love, My heart has an endless capacity for love and is just waiting to share that with someone who will give me a chance, someone who is man enough to not miss out on a rare oppurtunity. Just like a butterfly I am still a catapillar... but am building a cacoon and when I reach the end of this year I will emerge a butterfly, and when that happens there will be no stopping me!

I wrote a poem based on this text message I received and I love it.

Flying through the sky
on the wings of a butterfly
i reach my hand out to you
dreaming you are reaching too

only to find you are gone
and all those dreams they were wrong
a broken heart will heal with time
a broken soul can heal with a rhyme

so i write these lyrics for my soul
in hopes that they will make me whole
you broke my heart
you tore me apart

but its nothing i cant repair
with a little tender loving care
so ill fly through the sky
with the lust of the butterfly


Monday, April 11, 2011

Letter to my heart

Dear" Heart",

      I know you have recently been lead on and broken. I know that there is still something still tugging on your strings, but its time to let go so we can move on. It is time to cut the strings and mend yourself. I know you have many scars and I know that this pain just keeps getting worse each time. I feel the pain you feel "Heart". The emotional and physical attachment we had to him was strong but now that we know the truth and have been rejected we can move on and forward to our plans for the future. I know that the strings are hard to cut but we need to cut them and fall completely before I can help pick you up and start to heal. We cant let him keep pulling us back in to an endless circle of meaningless affections. We cant let ourselves be used to supply the attention that he is needing. Today is a new day and a day to move forward and let go of the pain that we should not have to endure. It is time to get rid of the confusion that he is giving and its time to stop letting him play games with you "Heart". I love you heart and without you I would be nothing. Heart you are so big, and you may care too much sometimes, but its time to let go, its our time to rise and be the amazing person we are. Its time to show the world that We are the most amazing girl they will ever meet, its time to hare our God given talents with the world and share our capacity to love with the world. "Heart" someday we will find the one that will Love us as much as we love them and it will be amazing and it will be for eternity. We deserve so much better than the guy playing games with you "Heart" and we will find him someday.

I love you heart and I will mend you when your finished breaking. The pieces will be put back together soon.
Love always
ME.......

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

a river of tears through a broken heart

As I sit and ponder the reality that strikes like a hammer to a nail, I realize that in moments like these, I need to remeber what is in store for the future and focus.

As I sat crying as i drove down a dark country road I realized that no matter how many times I go through the same rejection It only gets harder and harder.

As I sat and realized what had happened I wonder why this time it hurt so much worse than the others. Why did this time have to hurt me to my true core, is it because I thought there was something there? is it because of the things we shared? or is it because I gave my entire self to him, showed him the true authentic me, with no walls, no defense, nothing blocking my heart this time? was it because of the things I felt, the possibilities, the potential that was there? I dont know, all I know is that this time was different, maybe it was because I told him, I took that leap of faith before the feelings took control of me, or before anything else happened.

I struggled to let myself open up so much for that moment. I laid my heart and soul out on the line. I knew wha the outcome would be, I knew it would only lead to the same thing that has been said every single time. I looked at that and did it anyway knowing that the words that I would hear, would be the same as i have heard from so many before.

I know rejection It flows through my mind like the tears are flowing through my broken heart.
Like a river of doubt I find myself questioning who I am, but I have to remeber who I am.

I need to focus and remeber how amazing I am, How much I have to offer someone, I need to remeber the endless possibilities I have for myself. I need to remeber that I have a beautiful voice, Im a great cook,  a good artist, I can work on cars, I have a great sense of human, give amazing back massages, im very smart, a quick learner, dedicated, loyal, caring, loving, helpful, and most of all I will love with every inch of myself to make the one i love happy

I need to remeber that I am a hard worker and will accomplish the things that heavenly father needs me to. I will stand in holy places from now on to be sure I can follow his will.

as the river of tears forever runs through my broken heart waiting for the day it will be mended I will push on with a steadfastness in my faith and remeber to hold my head up. Yes I will still cry and I may bake junk food cuz thats what I do when Im upset, but I will get over this rejection that hurt me so deep, and move forward and upward with my plans

Sunday, April 3, 2011

back on track

so keeping with the theme of my day I have come to realize I need to get back on track in my life.

I am so happy with everything I have accomplished in these last two years and I am ready for the amazing future ahead.

My train was derailed for a bit, but It is back on track, As I sat alone at the park today looking out over the water, watching the ducks, fish and birds, as I took in the beauty of the sunshine and felt the cool breeze run through my hair I felt Heavenly Fathers love surround me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I felt as though a peace filled my soul that I have not felt in a long time. I know he is there with me everyday, I know he loves me, but today It was stronger, I have felt as though I might have been losing myself but I realize now that I was just going through another test, I may have made mistakes on the way but I know that with Heavenly Fathers help and with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can be forgiven and find the tracks beneath my feet once again.

As I sit here writing this in the sunshine I am filled with a warmth that as the cool breeze blows makes me feel so comfortable and so at peace with my self and with the world around me. I am Thankful for every expeirence I have ever had, and even more so I am thankful for every hurt I have ever had because without them I would not know the love and peace im feeling in this moment on this beautiful sundayafternoon.

I have said this in a previous post, when you come to the fork in the road make your own path and keep going straight, but I want to add in order to find your way as you go straight, you need a compass and a guide, for em that will be Heavenly Father.

I am thankful for everyone who has been there for me, everyone who supports me, and everyone who has ever hurt me without any of these in my life I would not have made it to this point and I would not be the person I am today. I would not have drive and determination, I would not be as caring and loving, I WOULD NOT BE THE AMAZING WOMAN I AM TODAY.

farewell for today my readers I Love you all!

Looking out the window as the trains pass by

"I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?"

You know I have been thinking about this quote from the movie Inception. It has been on my mind like ants on peanutbutter. I have been pondering the meaning as it pertains to myself and why it has stuck in my brain like gum in my hair. What is so important about this to me. well I am starting to figure it out slowly.

First I think about the first part about waiting for a train the will take you far away, This actually has alot of meaning to me, I am here in California been here my entire life. I want to get away, I want to leave, Im tired of being lonely and I want a "train" to come take me far away from this place, from the heartache and mistakes that are here.

second you know where you want the train to take you but you dont know for sure. This is where i am now, I know where i think, i feel i should be, which is Nashville, But I question myself, Is that really where the train should take me, is that where i should be, Everytime i try and get ready to leave, something pulls me in here. I know where I think i should be but is that really where heavenly fathers train wants me to be going?

Now the last part I just recently realized. (but it doesnt matter, how could it not matter to you?) Well right now I am thinking it doesnt matter what train i get on, Which path i chose because it will end up the same, It JUST DOESNT MATTER.... but then I think about the second part and I realize IT DOES MATTER, There is somewhere specific I need to be, and I need to figure out where that is and follow the path im supposed to fulfill the plans God has for my life, to uplift and love with my heart pure and storng.

I think my problem is that I love to much. I fall too quickly and want to help people too much. I am too caring and those weaknesses keep me on the platform at the train station watching through the windows as the trains pass by me, wishing to get on board, ticket in hand I sit and just watch the people board the trains and then be swept off down the tracks. As I look at my ticket wondering when will it be my turn, how can i get through those doors and just get on that train. Its sitting there out on the side track just waiting................

Monday, March 21, 2011

1st Goal with in arms reach!

So its almost eater, it about a month away now! I am 10 lbs away from my 100 lbs lost goal and I am hoping to be there by April 23!

Its so close I can almost reach it, It has been a long long long 7 months of hard work and pushing myself to limits I didnt know i could surpass.

Leaving the comfort zone and entering a new level I didnt know existed within myself

I want to thank first and Foremost Heavenly Father for the strength to follow through and helping me to get through each day with a new perspective and strength that has helped me through my new lifes adventures

Second and very important I need to Thank my Personal Trainer Randy Green, He has been a constant voice inside my head that when I want to give up I remind myself how hard I have worked and how much Randy has pushed me to help me achieve my long term Goal and I keep going, Him pushing me out of my comfort zone and taking it to that next level has been well worth every pain, every tear, and every cent That i have put into it. I cant express how much his training has meant to me.

third I need to thank my mom, my sister and our co worker Evelyn who have joined me in this fitness journey, who have been there to help me keep going, To uplift me when I want to quit and be that extra little push to make me keep going, and push me when I am not in training

lastley I want to thank all those people who have complimented me and gave me the confidence  to know that Im not just doing this for nothing, but that there is visible proof that I am making progress and that people do notice. It is a great reminder of why i am doing this and what im trying to accomplish, I have worked so hard and hard work shoud always receive praise. To all my friends and family I greatly appreciate you all.

also I guess I need to remember to thank myself, That I have had the drive and power inside me the whole time to get going on my goals and take life by the horns hold on a ride it out coming out of it with a healthy and a greater love for life in the end. I Thank myself for pushing myself and reminding myself that in the end all the pain will be worth it!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

fading smile into the ocean?

To those of you who have known me for a long time have know what a great and difficult transformation i have recently went through in the last year. I have been so much happier, so much more at peace with myself and the world around me.

I have come to a point in the last month where I can feel a pull of some sort, the peace I once felt has slowly drifted just to the outside of my realm of being. Its weird to feel this way after a year of avoidance of these feelings of doubt and disharmony.

The smile that was once a permanent resident of my face for the past year has slowly began to fade and honestly it scares me. I am still happy with who I am and where I am going bu I can feel the doubt slowly creeping in and to stop it has been so hard. I have started to worry more about my actions, Worry about what others think, and I am doubting myself and it scares me. I dont want to go back to the life I was living before, I am striving to live for my future and to live for today, I am striving to live the gospel and working hard to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. I dont want to take any steps backwards in this journey and I cant let these feelings continue.

I am fighting the waves of lifes ocean to stay above the surface and still be able to breathe, but as in any wave there is a breaking point... Im hoping I can ride this wav out on top so that when the crashing wave reaches that point I will be able to ride it to the shore.

I cant let go of this smile that for so long I had never truly know, The smile that I went through Hell and back to achieve, a smile that took the love of myself for myself to achieve. I cant let go I worked to hard and too many years for it. I wont let it slip beneath the ways to become another sunken treasure in the ocean of my life.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Life, A Time, and A Story of Pirates

2011....
Welcome to the New year of this new life I am living. I dont know how many of my readers read, or even how many of my friends even read my blog these days but I figured I would update it....

A life of new begining and new endings is here. a life that will be filled with ups and downs but I am still happy through them all because I Love who I am and am in a better place, which helps when dealing with the cards that life is dealing me. Like playing a game of poker you cant win every hand, you just have to know how much your going to bet, will that hand play out in the end or should you fold and wait for the next set of cards. Let me tell you be very careful about the Cards you bet on because you dont want to waste all your money on a hand thats not going to take you anywhere. Think about the long run, where will it go, whats its potential, how far will I REALLY go with this set of cards? Ok so have you guessed what this is yet.. LOL well it can be a number of things... relate it  to what you want... I have been relating this in my life lately to my school and guys..
I mean look school... What degree do i want to bet my money on... Will i like it? can I get a job? once i do get the degree will i be good enough to get a job? I mean all these questions arise.. and then I become this fickle better who is like well ill bet on this for a bit, then fold. then bet on the next and fold... so its been a losing streak somewhat thus far... but I am getting general Education credits done in the midst of this so that is a positive.
The next I said I relate this to is guys... OH MAN... so confusing if you ask me.. I am a very simple girl, especially lately I dont have much complication going on, Im pretty straight forward with who I am, up front and honest... I think that may be the problem... Also it seems lately like Im back to the point where im just one of the guys...its a little heartbreaking but being who i am today its not as bad as it could have been. :) I Love who I am, I am a Nerd (so what) I love to play video games, I love Star Trek, I like Star Wars, I enjoyed palying DnD, I love fantasy novels, I like cars (alot) Im outgoing, talented, adventurous, Im not afraid to go out and get dirty, I love to go camping and hiking, I love being outdoors, I love being out on a ranch with animals (Cows, Chicken, Goats, Rabbits, Dogs, Horses) LOVE IT!! Im not a girly girl but im not a tom-boy either. I Love to get dressed up, I love getting my nails done and a pedicure, I like getting massages, I love putting on heels and make-up to feel sexy even if i really dont, I like to do my hair for a night out, a romantic dinner and a movie sounds good to me and movies sometimes make me cry.
So when I compare guys to that hand of cards, be careful who your putting your energy into, because they could be using you. its not fun to find out 2 months down the road when your almost out of chips to give and running low on energy that the hand you have been betting on has been deceiving and the girl at the other end of the table Well She had pocket Aces. as of late I have been really thinking about dating... and have come to realize.. I have been on one real date. But as the little girl in my heart cries for the date of her dreams, the one she always pictured as a "real date" lol so stereotypical I know but... The guys picks up the girl at her house, opens her door for her, and drives to the restraunt where they sit and have conversation over a nice dinner (but not too expensive) then the rest of the evening can be spontaneous and fun.. it can even be a surprise... but that is what I have always pictured as a real date.. like I said I am a sinple girl and really that dream date i just described is not anything very complicated.. :) but I have become very careful about my betting on cards lately, because even when it may seem like maybe oh just maybe this guy might be interested, something is said and BAM! the thing I always hear, neverending word, the word that cuts like a knife no matter how many times you hear it... FRIEND. dont get me wrong I love my friends... they are amazing wouldnt trade them for the world (well maybe a million dollars but hey I got bills) LOL just kidding but honestly... all in due time I guess but until then Im focusing on me, because right now honeslty no one else matter at this time more than myself... because I am getting to a good place in my life emotionally and physically.

A time has come for me when I am in the midst of the biggest life changes I have ever made. in the last <<<<<< 6 months I am down 60 lbs (heres a picture) and on my way to my ultimate and final goals I feel and look amazing. I am so happy with who I am. I am back in school and currently taking two history classes 101 and 102. these classes will be the death of my GPA but im gonna buckle down and focus hard... Its going to be a hard semester mentally and emotionally for me but with my new found strength I will push through and come out sprinting on the other side... ok so maybe ill be jogging or walking out the other side... but the point is Ill be coming out the other side!!! I have alot of reading and writing to do in these classes but Luckily for me I LOVE HISTORY!!! well actually I just love learning in general, But I am almost done with my generals YAY!!! jsut 3 classes away... a math class and 2 sciences for my next semester! Im excited to finally be done with my generals then I will have to decided tho what to do.... A time will come when I will have to pick a major and stick with it...

Now I have just had a birthday and turned 26, I have now passed the 1/4 of a century mark by and entire year.... OH BOY!!!! I feel old like a pirate who has been out to sea way to long! but alas has reached land.. well ok maybe not but it sounded good. this year has opened up so many different routes of travel I could ride the trade winds in many different directions from here...My birthday turned out ok, It wasnt the best birthday I could have hoped for but it wasnt bad either, I was at least able to gather together with me friends and enjoy time with them.. I also enjoyed a sea side adventure to the beaches of Santa Cruz the friday before me birthday. I enjoyed the sand beneathe me shoes and the throwing about of a pigskin. also that night we took in a show at the Imax in Dublin. The beach day did start of with a rather interesting story about Pirates from patterson who farmed pickles and persimmons with their beerbellies...I have thought on this story I told while driving out into the sun out of the haze of the valley and I have come to the conclusion that is has alot of depth to think about, they were pirates who for ages traveled to find a new home when settling down they celebrated by drinking wherein the beerbellies came from.. then they began to farm pickles and persimmons and in the depth of a harsh winter lost their crops, so not only were they fat and alreay depressed they lost all their food as well.. well they survived the winter because the were kept warm and nuritioned by there fat storage on their bodies... Im sure they learned alot of great lessons that winter. Its only throught the hard times in our lives that we are able to learn a lesson that will shape our future selfs and make us ready for the fight that is ahead of us. The trials we go through are the building block of who we are as a person, everyone goes through similar trials, they are just unique to each individual. Each trial can be realted to each other some way. I know now that I am grateful for every pain I went through, Every sleepless night I endured, Every waking moment I hated myself, Every thought of despair, Every moment of weakness, and every tear i have and will ever cry!

I am grateful for all of those beacause they have made me Jennifer. a Strong, Talented, Courageous, Energetic, Loyal, Caring, Loving, Respectful, Adventuraous, Spontaneous, Happy, beautiful, Willing, Faithful, spiritual, Fun, Funny, Nerdy, Fantasic, Superwoman I am today... and without everything I went through I would no be who I am, I wouldnt be any of these things, I wouldnt be unique and special. I would be the amazing person I am today. and I love the person I am today and I WILL never forget what I went through and the lessons I learned to get here!