Sunday, April 3, 2011

Looking out the window as the trains pass by

"I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?"

You know I have been thinking about this quote from the movie Inception. It has been on my mind like ants on peanutbutter. I have been pondering the meaning as it pertains to myself and why it has stuck in my brain like gum in my hair. What is so important about this to me. well I am starting to figure it out slowly.

First I think about the first part about waiting for a train the will take you far away, This actually has alot of meaning to me, I am here in California been here my entire life. I want to get away, I want to leave, Im tired of being lonely and I want a "train" to come take me far away from this place, from the heartache and mistakes that are here.

second you know where you want the train to take you but you dont know for sure. This is where i am now, I know where i think, i feel i should be, which is Nashville, But I question myself, Is that really where the train should take me, is that where i should be, Everytime i try and get ready to leave, something pulls me in here. I know where I think i should be but is that really where heavenly fathers train wants me to be going?

Now the last part I just recently realized. (but it doesnt matter, how could it not matter to you?) Well right now I am thinking it doesnt matter what train i get on, Which path i chose because it will end up the same, It JUST DOESNT MATTER.... but then I think about the second part and I realize IT DOES MATTER, There is somewhere specific I need to be, and I need to figure out where that is and follow the path im supposed to fulfill the plans God has for my life, to uplift and love with my heart pure and storng.

I think my problem is that I love to much. I fall too quickly and want to help people too much. I am too caring and those weaknesses keep me on the platform at the train station watching through the windows as the trains pass by me, wishing to get on board, ticket in hand I sit and just watch the people board the trains and then be swept off down the tracks. As I look at my ticket wondering when will it be my turn, how can i get through those doors and just get on that train. Its sitting there out on the side track just waiting................

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