Monday, October 24, 2011

The nightmares of reality

As the night falls I find myself falling into a state of peaceless rest. The turning of a clear night sky into a cloudy grey night. I find my eyes focus through the darkness and see a face. searching for a reason as to the dreary change of the night. I can remeber a time when a sunny bright day when the sun would reflect off my glowing hair would turn into a night that was still and peaceful, when there were no clouds, when the stars smiled down upon me and the moonlight danced across my skin. alas those days have dissapeared and now all there is is darkness. I try hard to remeber those times to pray and plead for the sun and moonlight to come back to me once again, for the clouds to leave. I find myself crying as the fear creeps up my spine as I stand in a place unknown to my soul and heart. as I look your face is there in the distance obscured by the darkness, you haunt me. I am alone and stuck unable to move paralyzed by fear that I will lose my way if I move, but I fear if I dont move I will forever be stuck in this darkness that has engulfed me in its arms. I reach for your hand but you taunt me, pretending that you are there, reaching back but always keeping just out of reach, your smile is comforting but at the same time it kills me, because I have no smile left in my own eyes. there are times when you dissapear and I think maybe you are gone forever, finally decided to leave me and forget about me, but you always come back, there at the edge of the view in this darkness, I know you, you are someone I love, someone I can never let go of, someone that I will never forget, your face, your smile, your sarcasm, your laugh, but mostly your strong masculine voice, I hear you speak, but I am not listening, my head is wrapped around the sinking feeling in my soul, I kneel in hopes you will just come rescue me or put me out of my misery once and for all. My heart beats to the sound of the music that ringes through my head but how long before the music dies and my heart stops beating. I feel a hand someone else has come into this place, someone who sits next to me and listens to the music in my head, comforts my fearful soul, his hand graces my face with its touch, the palms of a cold hand, I shiver as the cold sweeps down across my neck and to my shoulder. I shutter under the heaviness the touch brings to my soul, the touch becomes harder. the face at the edge of the darkness is gone... where did you go why did you leave me!... the man who sits here with me now as I feel abandoned, his eyes are dark and empty, i try to move but his hand on my shoulder hold me I am caught up in the emptiness of his gaze wondering where it goes, I am mesmerized by this new sensation, but the weight of his hand on me begins to make me fall, i try to hold myself up right but I cant i fall back into the mud, I scream not knowing what to do... I see a flash of light from the distance, it grows closer and brighter, the man is distractd by the light that is coming to save me I can hear them call my name, the man loosens his grip and I run toward the light if only for a moment i reach the edge of the light and am comforted but for a moment, then a hand reaches for my and holds it tight as the light slowly departs from my feet and the darkness grows I focus on the light but the hand i am holding is warm and comforting, I turn to see a captivating face, something interesting and mesmerizing about his smile, the touch of his warm habd is strong and comforting, I never want to let go, but there is something in his eyes, there is a light but it is dim, and as he speaks there is a hint of danger radiating from the words, I look past and see the face at the edge of the darkness again just watching, I smile knowing you are still out there somewhere, my heart stops to see you frown, the warm hand lets go and I am jolted back to the man in front of me, his engulfs me in his strong warm arms, ambraced by him I feel his heart beat strong and sturdy, it comforts me and i sink into his chest and rest for but a moment, he pushes me away and leaves, I drop to my knees wondering why, I then see you come closer, closer then ever before you put your hand on my shoulder and then take me into an embrace, you soothe my soul, you rest my heart, you elliviate the pain I feel, you stop the fear from taking over. you have been my steadfast comfort from letting go completley. Even now in your arms I cant help but know its only for a moment and soon you will be gone, you are not mine nor will your ever give me that kind of chance. I am done searching, I dont want to be lost in this darkness anymore. I hear a loud banging and my ears ring as the sound gets louder, i close my eyes and when I open them again I find myself in my bed, snuggled into my pillow not wanting to let go of the feeling of being in your arms, if only im my dreams, you will always be my heart, and you will always live in my soul. The reality of life sinks in and I sink back into the light of the sun outside my window, I sit up and gaze out teh window to the dew spakling on the grass still holding tight to my pillow, pondering the wonderful day God has made for us today, wondering what blessing he has in store, a magpie rests on the barbedwire fence and sings a earie song as a fox gracefully balances his way across the fence. the sun shines brighter but I just soak up its warmth and remeber that God loves me and if I let go of evrything else and turn to him the light will always be there, searching through the darkness to find his lost children. Even though the darkness is evrywhere he can bring us back into the light.
I shutter at the thought of the visitors in my dream and remeber that one of them at least is my best friend, and even though I will always be in love with him and I wont always be able to be around him He will forever be the biggest part of my life, My hero when I wanted to die, and a pillar of strength who helped me in some of the hardest times, someone I used to laugh with, someone who used to make me smile (even though now he makes me sad), some one who i used to like to talk to for hours, someone who reminded me to remeber who I am, I know my feelings for him will never change now matter how much I try to change them. All I know is that I need to get back to who I am, to find my way out of this darkness and find my way back to the light.

The nightmares of my sleeping world are my reality, they are the truth at the heart of my soul, my heart beats only to the music in my head. music is the water to my thirsty soul, a moment in time cant pass when the music isnt playing, If the music ever stopped I would lose my soul and heart, I hacve thought about pushing stop and just let it die, to let my heart stop beating, but I enjoy the music to much, I want to share it with the world, I will someday become the woman I need to be, SOMEDAY...


but how much more of a nightmare can one girl endure, how much fear, and sorrow and darkness can one girl endure in her lifetime.... before it becomes to much and she completely lets got and gives into the dark, and entirely forgets what the sunshine felt like, forgets how the stars shined, and forgets how the moonlight danced across her skin, how much until reality becomes a neverending nightmare...and the music becomes haunting...

1 comment:

  1. Wow, the pain just radiates off the page. Remember, God loves YOU. He knows YOUR sorrows. *hug* I am here to lend some strength when you have none left.