Thursday, September 30, 2010

Life thru a broken mirror

January 16, 1985. A baby was born in modesto, CA. she was a beautiful baby girl, 10 lbs 10 oz. big baby. little did she know but that would follow her throughout life. the baby was named Jennifer. Oh wait haha thats me! Yes so this is my story please read, enjoy and learn something!

I have always struggled with my weight even when I was younger I was always being teased. I remeber going thru the end of elementry school 4th and 5th grade. Bigger than al lthe rest of the kids in my classes. one thing I remeber is not wanting to go to recess because this group of kids would always surround me and call me blimb and hot air balloon. It was a tought thing at that young age to realize that people were getting entertainment out of making fun of me. I had enough and by the middle of my 5th grade year I had no real friends, gave up playing the clarinet and piano and secluded myself, spending lunch in a corner eating alone, and not goin to the playground. I hated particpating in school activities and then i started getting depressed.

Well then we graduated 5th grade and moved on to middle school. I had a couple "friends" and one best friend Amy Lynn (you can read about her in my other blog post). Well moving into 6th grade I dont remeber much other than winning some writing competition for a short story I wrote. 7th grade is a blur. Now 8th grade here is when things get weird. Well My friend Amy starts dating this guy Bruce, whom we both thought was cute, and had met at a basketball game, and begins homeschooling. I miss her at school and spend most of my time alone, or in the foreign language club. Well 8th grade graduation dance!! So this is my first expeirence with Karaoke and I will never forget singing the Eye of the Tiger at the dance. Well we graduate 8th grade and now comes Highschool!!! WOW... well I get my license and start driving the truck. I begin to be more popular with my "friends" ( cuz i can drive and they cant). well i begin the year hanging out with all the punk kids, goths and rebels, yep I even conformed to that gothic way of dress and makeup :). Well I soon find that Bruce, Amys now Ex. boyfriend is attending Highschool with me. He is in my choir class and remebers me as Amys bestie. Well, we start to become friends, and actually end up becoming best friends as well. I have always had an easier time becoming friends with guys because I'm a bit of a tomboy myself. Well Bruce and I will spend the next 5 years as amazing friends. at the end of my Freshman year in highschool I was introduced to the Mormon church, took the missionary discussions and was baptized as a member of the LDS faith. I am still an active member today 9 years later. I stop hanging out with alot of the people I used to because of my new standards and morals, So at the begining of my 10th grade year I pretty much only talked to Bruce. Well I knew this girl from kindergarden and she became a good friend her name was Stephanie, we did alot together even though she came from a strict home we found ways around it LOL. then there is Jenny she was a friend of mine but we never really were good friends. I then met Barbara Milner thru church and we became and still are best friends. I hated her at first but soon found we had tons in common and too this day we are still great friends, even tho she is married and lives in sacramento now. I met her about 11th grade. well I met some good people here and there and found a group to kinda attach to to eat lunch with, including, Clarice, Alton, Heather, Blake, and Rebekka. I guess you can say I felt alone most of the time even in a group of people, and honestly its not until right now in this moment I realize how many people I had met in my life. I was in choir all 4 years of highschool. and singing is my passion, my dream and soon to be reality!

All thru these years from 5th grade until I graduated I was depressed and suicidal, I faked my smiles and played along taking life a moment at a time, just waiting for the next fat joke or bully to come my way, and sure enough I was never let down. I would be late to class in order to avoid crossing the quad at school when it was full of people because when I did the laughter and remarks would follow! one such that had the greatest impact was the mooing at me by the hicks at my school. I cant remember or count how many times I cried wishing I could be dead, never been born, or someone else. another remark that hurt was the earthquake jokes that would happen at every PE class from 6th grade until 11th grade. I would skip PE or ditch in order to escape the harassment. Middle School and High School were HELL on earth for me with little moments of light.

Sunshine in the dark.... Well choir! I loved choir, I felt safe and at home on that stage, When I am singing I am the realest version of myself. Alton wrote some fun version of Smallville and we would read it durning lunch period. and Then WORK EXPEIRENCE!!! yes I got to leave school early and go to work.. 1 hour shorter day at the hell high school!

So lets see. 5th - 12th grade were filled with bullying, teasing and depression. I pulled myself thru with a new found faith in a higher power my Heavenly Father, grasping on as tight as I could to that little glimmer of hope that he loved me, and that with him I could pull thru and graduate. Well I did. May 2003 my name was called I stood up in my Gold graduation cap and gown walked to the podium shook the pricipals hand recieved my diploma and screamed to my family in the stands! It was finally over and I could move on with my life!

Well since then I have been to Spain, New York, Nashville, Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, Oregon, Washinton, Colorado, Lived in Idaho and Santa Barbara, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Arizon, Nevada, New Mexico, and went to a few colleges, I may not have my degree yet but I will soon. I have worked at the same job for the last 8 years now and trying to save money.

I have been in one abusive relationship and learned many lessons.

I have been in love with my best friend and deal with those feelings everyday.

I have been living most of my life until now in a LIE... keeping me from seeing anything good in myself, I saw only what others said I was, UGLY.... WORTHLESS.... GROSS..... I lived life thru a mirror that was broken, pieces of me were gone and missing, pieces shattered so far that they were unrecognizable. I had no clue who I was or what I wanted! I DIDNT WANT TO EVER LOOK IN THAT MIRROR! FOR FEAR SOMETHING ELSE WOULD BE GONE OR THE MIRROR WOULD BREAK MORE.
I am now on the path to recovery from bad lifestyle choices and living a healthier life now. I have a trainer and eating healthy!

I am empowering myself and I am finally able to truly LOVE MYSELF. I am no longer lost about who I am. I am no longer allowing myself to be someone im not just to fit into a mold. THERE ARE NO MORE EXCUSES! every action I have taken has brought me to where I am at right now, I am Jennifer: beautiful, funny, loyal, respectful, enthusiastic, excited, energetic, happy, smart, creative, talented, spontanious, adventuraous, loving, caring, unstoppable, determined, musical, and most of all I AM ME!!!!!

I love you all and because of the trials God has blessed me with throughout my life I am now a stronger more sympathetic woman. I have grown up and matured into the kind of woman I would want my daughters to be and my sons to marry! I will keep going down the path I am paving and continue to grow with each sunrise and each rainstorm!

Me at American Idol Audition 2010 :)

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