Letter to my heart

Dear" Heart",

      I know you have recently been lead on and broken. I know that there is still something still tugging on your strings, but its time to let go so we can move on. It is time to cut the strings and mend yourself. I know you have many scars and I know that this pain just keeps getting worse each time. I feel the pain you feel "Heart". The emotional and physical attachment we had to him was strong but now that we know the truth and have been rejected we can move on and forward to our plans for the future. I know that the strings are hard to cut but we need to cut them and fall completely before I can help pick you up and start to heal. We cant let him keep pulling us back in to an endless circle of meaningless affections. We cant let ourselves be used to supply the attention that he is needing. Today is a new day and a day to move forward and let go of the pain that we should not have to endure. It is time to get rid of the confusion that he is giving and its time to stop letting him play games with you "Heart". I love you heart and without you I would be nothing. Heart you are so big, and you may care too much sometimes, but its time to let go, its our time to rise and be the amazing person we are. Its time to show the world that We are the most amazing girl they will ever meet, its time to hare our God given talents with the world and share our capacity to love with the world. "Heart" someday we will find the one that will Love us as much as we love them and it will be amazing and it will be for eternity. We deserve so much better than the guy playing games with you "Heart" and we will find him someday.

I love you heart and I will mend you when your finished breaking. The pieces will be put back together soon.
Love always
ME.......

a river of tears through a broken heart

As I sit and ponder the reality that strikes like a hammer to a nail, I realize that in moments like these, I need to remeber what is in store for the future and focus.

As I sat crying as i drove down a dark country road I realized that no matter how many times I go through the same rejection It only gets harder and harder.

As I sat and realized what had happened I wonder why this time it hurt so much worse than the others. Why did this time have to hurt me to my true core, is it because I thought there was something there? is it because of the things we shared? or is it because I gave my entire self to him, showed him the true authentic me, with no walls, no defense, nothing blocking my heart this time? was it because of the things I felt, the possibilities, the potential that was there? I dont know, all I know is that this time was different, maybe it was because I told him, I took that leap of faith before the feelings took control of me, or before anything else happened.

I struggled to let myself open up so much for that moment. I laid my heart and soul out on the line. I knew wha the outcome would be, I knew it would only lead to the same thing that has been said every single time. I looked at that and did it anyway knowing that the words that I would hear, would be the same as i have heard from so many before.

I know rejection It flows through my mind like the tears are flowing through my broken heart.
Like a river of doubt I find myself questioning who I am, but I have to remeber who I am.

I need to focus and remeber how amazing I am, How much I have to offer someone, I need to remeber the endless possibilities I have for myself. I need to remeber that I have a beautiful voice, Im a great cook,  a good artist, I can work on cars, I have a great sense of human, give amazing back massages, im very smart, a quick learner, dedicated, loyal, caring, loving, helpful, and most of all I will love with every inch of myself to make the one i love happy

I need to remeber that I am a hard worker and will accomplish the things that heavenly father needs me to. I will stand in holy places from now on to be sure I can follow his will.

as the river of tears forever runs through my broken heart waiting for the day it will be mended I will push on with a steadfastness in my faith and remeber to hold my head up. Yes I will still cry and I may bake junk food cuz thats what I do when Im upset, but I will get over this rejection that hurt me so deep, and move forward and upward with my plans

back on track

so keeping with the theme of my day I have come to realize I need to get back on track in my life.

I am so happy with everything I have accomplished in these last two years and I am ready for the amazing future ahead.

My train was derailed for a bit, but It is back on track, As I sat alone at the park today looking out over the water, watching the ducks, fish and birds, as I took in the beauty of the sunshine and felt the cool breeze run through my hair I felt Heavenly Fathers love surround me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I felt as though a peace filled my soul that I have not felt in a long time. I know he is there with me everyday, I know he loves me, but today It was stronger, I have felt as though I might have been losing myself but I realize now that I was just going through another test, I may have made mistakes on the way but I know that with Heavenly Fathers help and with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can be forgiven and find the tracks beneath my feet once again.

As I sit here writing this in the sunshine I am filled with a warmth that as the cool breeze blows makes me feel so comfortable and so at peace with my self and with the world around me. I am Thankful for every expeirence I have ever had, and even more so I am thankful for every hurt I have ever had because without them I would not know the love and peace im feeling in this moment on this beautiful sundayafternoon.

I have said this in a previous post, when you come to the fork in the road make your own path and keep going straight, but I want to add in order to find your way as you go straight, you need a compass and a guide, for em that will be Heavenly Father.

I am thankful for everyone who has been there for me, everyone who supports me, and everyone who has ever hurt me without any of these in my life I would not have made it to this point and I would not be the person I am today. I would not have drive and determination, I would not be as caring and loving, I WOULD NOT BE THE AMAZING WOMAN I AM TODAY.

farewell for today my readers I Love you all!

Looking out the window as the trains pass by

"I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?"

You know I have been thinking about this quote from the movie Inception. It has been on my mind like ants on peanutbutter. I have been pondering the meaning as it pertains to myself and why it has stuck in my brain like gum in my hair. What is so important about this to me. well I am starting to figure it out slowly.

First I think about the first part about waiting for a train the will take you far away, This actually has alot of meaning to me, I am here in California been here my entire life. I want to get away, I want to leave, Im tired of being lonely and I want a "train" to come take me far away from this place, from the heartache and mistakes that are here.

second you know where you want the train to take you but you dont know for sure. This is where i am now, I know where i think, i feel i should be, which is Nashville, But I question myself, Is that really where the train should take me, is that where i should be, Everytime i try and get ready to leave, something pulls me in here. I know where I think i should be but is that really where heavenly fathers train wants me to be going?

Now the last part I just recently realized. (but it doesnt matter, how could it not matter to you?) Well right now I am thinking it doesnt matter what train i get on, Which path i chose because it will end up the same, It JUST DOESNT MATTER.... but then I think about the second part and I realize IT DOES MATTER, There is somewhere specific I need to be, and I need to figure out where that is and follow the path im supposed to fulfill the plans God has for my life, to uplift and love with my heart pure and storng.

I think my problem is that I love to much. I fall too quickly and want to help people too much. I am too caring and those weaknesses keep me on the platform at the train station watching through the windows as the trains pass by me, wishing to get on board, ticket in hand I sit and just watch the people board the trains and then be swept off down the tracks. As I look at my ticket wondering when will it be my turn, how can i get through those doors and just get on that train. Its sitting there out on the side track just waiting................

1st Goal with in arms reach!

So its almost eater, it about a month away now! I am 10 lbs away from my 100 lbs lost goal and I am hoping to be there by April 23!

Its so close I can almost reach it, It has been a long long long 7 months of hard work and pushing myself to limits I didnt know i could surpass.

Leaving the comfort zone and entering a new level I didnt know existed within myself

I want to thank first and Foremost Heavenly Father for the strength to follow through and helping me to get through each day with a new perspective and strength that has helped me through my new lifes adventures

Second and very important I need to Thank my Personal Trainer Randy Green, He has been a constant voice inside my head that when I want to give up I remind myself how hard I have worked and how much Randy has pushed me to help me achieve my long term Goal and I keep going, Him pushing me out of my comfort zone and taking it to that next level has been well worth every pain, every tear, and every cent That i have put into it. I cant express how much his training has meant to me.

third I need to thank my mom, my sister and our co worker Evelyn who have joined me in this fitness journey, who have been there to help me keep going, To uplift me when I want to quit and be that extra little push to make me keep going, and push me when I am not in training

lastley I want to thank all those people who have complimented me and gave me the confidence  to know that Im not just doing this for nothing, but that there is visible proof that I am making progress and that people do notice. It is a great reminder of why i am doing this and what im trying to accomplish, I have worked so hard and hard work shoud always receive praise. To all my friends and family I greatly appreciate you all.

also I guess I need to remember to thank myself, That I have had the drive and power inside me the whole time to get going on my goals and take life by the horns hold on a ride it out coming out of it with a healthy and a greater love for life in the end. I Thank myself for pushing myself and reminding myself that in the end all the pain will be worth it!!!

fading smile into the ocean?

To those of you who have known me for a long time have know what a great and difficult transformation i have recently went through in the last year. I have been so much happier, so much more at peace with myself and the world around me.

I have come to a point in the last month where I can feel a pull of some sort, the peace I once felt has slowly drifted just to the outside of my realm of being. Its weird to feel this way after a year of avoidance of these feelings of doubt and disharmony.

The smile that was once a permanent resident of my face for the past year has slowly began to fade and honestly it scares me. I am still happy with who I am and where I am going bu I can feel the doubt slowly creeping in and to stop it has been so hard. I have started to worry more about my actions, Worry about what others think, and I am doubting myself and it scares me. I dont want to go back to the life I was living before, I am striving to live for my future and to live for today, I am striving to live the gospel and working hard to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. I dont want to take any steps backwards in this journey and I cant let these feelings continue.

I am fighting the waves of lifes ocean to stay above the surface and still be able to breathe, but as in any wave there is a breaking point... Im hoping I can ride this wav out on top so that when the crashing wave reaches that point I will be able to ride it to the shore.

I cant let go of this smile that for so long I had never truly know, The smile that I went through Hell and back to achieve, a smile that took the love of myself for myself to achieve. I cant let go I worked to hard and too many years for it. I wont let it slip beneath the ways to become another sunken treasure in the ocean of my life.

A Life, A Time, and A Story of Pirates

2011....
Welcome to the New year of this new life I am living. I dont know how many of my readers read, or even how many of my friends even read my blog these days but I figured I would update it....

A life of new begining and new endings is here. a life that will be filled with ups and downs but I am still happy through them all because I Love who I am and am in a better place, which helps when dealing with the cards that life is dealing me. Like playing a game of poker you cant win every hand, you just have to know how much your going to bet, will that hand play out in the end or should you fold and wait for the next set of cards. Let me tell you be very careful about the Cards you bet on because you dont want to waste all your money on a hand thats not going to take you anywhere. Think about the long run, where will it go, whats its potential, how far will I REALLY go with this set of cards? Ok so have you guessed what this is yet.. LOL well it can be a number of things... relate it  to what you want... I have been relating this in my life lately to my school and guys..

I mean look school... What degree do i want to bet my money on... Will i like it? can I get a job? once i do get the degree will i be good enough to get a job? I mean all these questions arise.. and then I become this fickle better who is like well ill bet on this for a bit, then fold. then bet on the next and fold... so its been a losing streak somewhat thus far... but I am getting general Education credits done in the midst of this so that is a positive.

The next I said I relate this to is guys... OH MAN... so confusing if you ask me.. I am a very simple girl, especially lately I dont have much complication going on, Im pretty straight forward with who I am, up front and honest... I think that may be the problem... Also it seems lately like Im back to the point where im just one of the guys...its a little heartbreaking but being who i am today its not as bad as it could have been. :) I Love who I am, I am a Nerd (so what) I love to play video games, I love Star Trek, I like Star Wars, I enjoyed palying DnD, I love fantasy novels, I like cars (alot) Im outgoing, talented, adventurous, Im not afraid to go out and get dirty, I love to go camping and hiking, I love being outdoors, I love being out on a ranch with animals (Cows, Chicken, Goats, Rabbits, Dogs, Horses) LOVE IT!! Im not a girly girl but im not a tom-boy either. I Love to get dressed up, I love getting my nails done and a pedicure, I like getting massages, I love putting on heels and make-up to feel sexy even if i really dont, I like to do my hair for a night out, a romantic dinner and a movie sounds good to me and movies sometimes make me cry.

So when I compare guys to that hand of cards, be careful who your putting your energy into, because they could be using you. its not fun to find out 2 months down the road when your almost out of chips to give and running low on energy that the hand you have been betting on has been deceiving and the girl at the other end of the table Well She had pocket Aces. as of late I have been really thinking about dating... and have come to realize.. I have been on one real date. But as the little girl in my heart cries for the date of her dreams, the one she always pictured as a "real date" lol so stereotypical I know but... The guys picks up the girl at her house, opens her door for her, and drives to the restraunt where they sit and have conversation over a nice dinner (but not too expensive) then the rest of the evening can be spontaneous and fun.. it can even be a surprise... but that is what I have always pictured as a real date.. like I said I am a sinple girl and really that dream date i just described is not anything very complicated.. :) but I have become very careful about my betting on cards lately, because even when it may seem like maybe oh just maybe this guy might be interested, something is said and BAM! the thing I always hear, neverending word, the word that cuts like a knife no matter how many times you hear it... FRIEND. dont get me wrong I love my friends... they are amazing wouldnt trade them for the world (well maybe a million dollars but hey I got bills) LOL just kidding but honestly... all in due time I guess but until then Im focusing on me, because right now honeslty no one else matter at this time more than myself... because I am getting to a good place in my life emotionally and physically.

A time has come for me when I am in the midst of the biggest life changes I have ever made. in the last <<<<<< 6 months I am down 60 lbs (heres a picture) and on my way to my ultimate and final goals I feel and look amazing. I am so happy with who I am. I am back in school and currently taking two history classes 101 and 102. these classes will be the death of my GPA but im gonna buckle down and focus hard... Its going to be a hard semester mentally and emotionally for me but with my new found strength I will push through and come out sprinting on the other side... ok so maybe ill be jogging or walking out the other side... but the point is Ill be coming out the other side!!! I have alot of reading and writing to do in these classes but Luckily for me I LOVE HISTORY!!! well actually I just love learning in general, But I am almost done with my generals YAY!!! jsut 3 classes away... a math class and 2 sciences for my next semester! Im excited to finally be done with my generals then I will have to decided tho what to do.... A time will come when I will have to pick a major and stick with it...

Now I have just had a birthday and turned 26, I have now passed the 1/4 of a century mark by and entire year.... OH BOY!!!! I feel old like a pirate who has been out to sea way to long! but alas has reached land.. well ok maybe not but it sounded good. this year has opened up so many different routes of travel I could ride the trade winds in many different directions from here...My birthday turned out ok, It wasnt the best birthday I could have hoped for but it wasnt bad either, I was at least able to gather together with me friends and enjoy time with them.. I also enjoyed a sea side adventure to the beaches of Santa Cruz the friday before me birthday. I enjoyed the sand beneathe me shoes and the throwing about of a pigskin. also that night we took in a show at the Imax in Dublin. The beach day did start of with a rather interesting story about Pirates from patterson who farmed pickles and persimmons with their beerbellies...I have thought on this story I told while driving out into the sun out of the haze of the valley and I have come to the conclusion that is has alot of depth to think about, they were pirates who for ages traveled to find a new home when settling down they celebrated by drinking wherein the beerbellies came from.. then they began to farm pickles and persimmons and in the depth of a harsh winter lost their crops, so not only were they fat and alreay depressed they lost all their food as well.. well they survived the winter because the were kept warm and nuritioned by there fat storage on their bodies... Im sure they learned alot of great lessons that winter. Its only throught the hard times in our lives that we are able to learn a lesson that will shape our future selfs and make us ready for the fight that is ahead of us. The trials we go through are the building block of who we are as a person, everyone goes through similar trials, they are just unique to each individual. Each trial can be realted to each other some way. I know now that I am grateful for every pain I went through, Every sleepless night I endured, Every waking moment I hated myself, Every thought of despair, Every moment of weakness, and every tear i have and will ever cry!

I am grateful for all of those beacause they have made me Jennifer. a Strong, Talented, Courageous, Energetic, Loyal, Caring, Loving, Respectful, Adventuraous, Spontaneous, Happy, beautiful, Willing, Faithful, spiritual, Fun, Funny, Nerdy, Fantasic, Superwoman I am today... and without everything I went through I would no be who I am, I wouldnt be any of these things, I wouldnt be unique and special. I would be the amazing person I am today. and I love the person I am today and I WILL never forget what I went through and the lessons I learned to get here!