So thru some meditation and alot of thinking I have finally come to the conclusion and realization that I am ready to write out this Blog.
Through the years there has been only four times I have liked a guy. Yes three years in my "wonderful" 25 (almost 26) years of life!
lets start back in Jr High.. WOW thats seems like forever ago. :) haha.. well it all startd at a basketball game sitting in the bleachers cheering on the ROSS BEARS!!! Well there was this guy from the other team and he was good looking, Cowboy (of course) and my friend says "hey i think that guy is cute" well so did I but seeing as I had no confidence in myself and lack any self esteem I said to the guy (Bruce) " Hey my friend thinks your cute!" well he came up and chatted with us and they dated after that. I still had a crush on this guy. (WAIT IT GETS BETTER) well they break up and my friend moves away and leaves the school, we hardly talk besides on the phone, Well guess what... her ex then begins attending school... what a coincedence... He remebers me and we quickly become friends as we have much in common... He would become one of my best and closest friends and would not know how deeply I felt for him until later. well I told my friend that we had become friends and she was totally kool with it. she was glad i had found someone to hang out with in her absence. well me and bruce were in choir together and hung out all the time. He dated and talked about all his girl problems with me and I helped him solve all of them. When his girlfirends were busy me and him would go hang out and cruise Mchenry in my truck, go to the drive in, or go hang out with his grandma. I enjoyed every moment we spent together and we shared our ups and downs. We laughed and cried together, and sang endless songs together. we talked endless hours on the phone and sat for hours talking about nothing under the stars. We went to the homecoming game together and had an amazing time, laughing and smiling, I decided it was time to tell him how I felt, he hadnt had a girlfriend in 4 months and I had never dated anyone EVER.. LOL. well we walked around the highschool and sat and talked I told him and he was ok with what I was saying but then his reply shocked me and this is what he said " You are my best friend and I love you too, But I like girls who look a certain way, athletic, skinny and you dont, Im sorry, I dont want to hurt your feelings. Your still my best friend" After that night we slowly grew apart I really didnt want anythign to do with him anymore. I have not talked to him since 2004.
the second one at the time I thought I was head over heels for but now I dont even know wha tI was thinking..LOL I think I was just caught up in the moment.. He was a nice guy. Mormon. Musician. Tall. Handsome. Sweet. Driven. I liked him. I told him. wrote songs about him. and yes he found out I liked him as well and I heard from a good friend of mine that he said a really mean thing that I will never repeat! and I have hated him ever since! so that was my second guy I liked.. LOL but I will admit he was an amazing guitar player.. LOL
the tird guy was short lived and last but a few short months. I thought maybe i could marry this guy but as I was going to move to another state to be with him and date him, he married a much older women like a 40 year old. yeah. but we had an amazing time together on the beaches in Oceanside California where I was for the first table able to feel like a beautiful women, loved for who I really was. love for me. I felt great. we walked the beach had in hand and had a great talk. after her returned home we stayed in touched and I had planned on moving to be near him but then that all changed and he called me out of the blue and said he was engaged and getting married, I was shocked and surprised and deeply saddened. I once again felt lost and as i wasnt good enough.
the fourth and most important guy that I have feelings for and still do. he was my best friend. He means the world to me. I dont think he will ever know how much he changed and effected my life both good and bad. but hey what can I say. I know that when you meet someone you look into there eyes and you can just tell that they are a good person with a good soul and heis one of those people. He has his moments when he can come of as a total and complete Jackass but he is actually one of the greatest guys you will ever know if you get the chance. he is caring, kind, and has the greatest smile. I met him awhile ago at a church activity and at first I was like this guy is so weird until i was actually introduced. Then he tried to hug me, OMG! I hated hugs (back then) and I refused to hug him and opted for a handshake instead. well after that I saw him again at church and other activities and he would constantly try and give me a hug and I would always avoid it... Until one day I didnt :( ugh....) well I havent avoided it since then LOL well maybe a few times but thats a long story i will not go into detail. well he has a great persoanlity that just makes me melt. I have had a conversation with another friend of my about guys and we talked about physical attraction and I taold him that I was in no way physically attracted to this certain individual and he said WHAT!!!! how can you love someone and not be? I said because I DONT CARE!!! IM NOT SHALLOW! like I have said in a blog before, society has been so focused on what people look like taht they forget the substance of what people are! I know that me and the guy that I have loved for the past 3 years will never be together, why? because I can look at the girls he dates, the girls he likes, the girls he looks at and know I CAN NEVER LIVE UP TO THAT. But here I am still in love with him everyday, but it has become so much easier to deal with now knowing who I really am.
I used to cry myself to sleep everynight wishing I could wake up being as beautiful and as skinny as those girls on TV. I thought about becoming anorexic, and so many other things but knew I could get sick. I was unhappy and lost myself. But now I know who I really am! I am very healthy, I am very happy, I am a very beautiful, talented, adventurous, spontaneous, funny, exciting, loving, caring, loyal, respectful, young woman! I would never trade that for anything :)
I guess I could add to here that I did kind of date this guy but I am trying to foget about him and pretend like it never happened because as far as I am concerned althought the lessons I learned from the experiences were priceless I would like to forget them. I didnt really like him at all and I have no Idea why I even put myself in that position in the first place mostly because I was lost and didnt know who I was but that will never happen again!!! thats one history lesson i will never forget and one time history wont repeat itself.. LOL!
HMM lets see....guys I have kissed for real thre have been one, two, three, four guys :) LOL one was at a club on Saint Patricks day in 2006 I think/ one was in 2009 on the beach in Oceanside, CA/ one was my Ex/ and one was because of mistle toe or a dare.
LOVE YOU... these were my confession from my unfiltered heart <3
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
MED Exams
Its like when your going in to take finals for classes, but you werent given anything to study!
Well I went in and got some testing done on my heart and lower extremities.
I had an Echocardiography done and Lower Extremity Doppler Sonogram and pressure testing done
Lets start with the Echo Cardio first.
Everything came back good. My heart is normal, I have a mild left atrial enlargement but it is absolutley nothing to worry about and the mitral valve is normal and opens adequatley, but does have a trivial mitral reguritation. Also something the doctor says is absolutely nothing to worry about.
She says everything looks fantastic.
When they got back my results for the lower extremity pressure test it was abnormal and they wanted to do further testing so they sent me for a Doppler Sonogram, I finally got the results back today! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!! YAY!!! what a relief! no plaque buildup, no blockage, no restrictions, no closures, and the veins look great.. So I am absolutley RELIEVED!!!!!
ALSO GOOD NEWS!!! My blood pressure has been steady and NORMAL.
I am eating healthy 1200 Calories a day
Working out 5 days a week twice with a great personal trainer, Pushing myself!!!
Keeping track of all my food intake.
Not eating any sugar
Not drinking any Soda
I havent had a headache in almost THREE WEEKS!!! :)
SO FAR SO GOOD!!
Well I went in and got some testing done on my heart and lower extremities.
I had an Echocardiography done and Lower Extremity Doppler Sonogram and pressure testing done
Lets start with the Echo Cardio first.
Everything came back good. My heart is normal, I have a mild left atrial enlargement but it is absolutley nothing to worry about and the mitral valve is normal and opens adequatley, but does have a trivial mitral reguritation. Also something the doctor says is absolutely nothing to worry about.
She says everything looks fantastic.
When they got back my results for the lower extremity pressure test it was abnormal and they wanted to do further testing so they sent me for a Doppler Sonogram, I finally got the results back today! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!! YAY!!! what a relief! no plaque buildup, no blockage, no restrictions, no closures, and the veins look great.. So I am absolutley RELIEVED!!!!!
ALSO GOOD NEWS!!! My blood pressure has been steady and NORMAL.
I am eating healthy 1200 Calories a day
Working out 5 days a week twice with a great personal trainer, Pushing myself!!!
Keeping track of all my food intake.
Not eating any sugar
Not drinking any Soda
I havent had a headache in almost THREE WEEKS!!! :)
SO FAR SO GOOD!!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
UpSiDe DoWn and UNCLUTTERED!
Well I am sure you have all read about my life stories and journeys but let me share a bit about how My life was flipped UPSIDE DOWN.
Ok so you may be thinking... WHOA... having your life flipped upside down isnt such a good thing, Well maybe not unless your life was upside down to begin with? :)
Well that is exactly how mine was, upside down, distorted, confused, whatever you want to call it... I woul like to call it CLUTTERED!!!!
I had lived my life gathering.... gathering bad expiences, bad memories, sad times, harsh feelings, death, holding on to loved ones, holding onto myths about who I was, and not knowing the Facts about who I REALLY AM!!!
But January 2010 came along. I was turning 25!!!! yep 25 years old and I knew it was time to make some changes because the way life was going for me was not right, I was at my lowest point, Lost and spiraling out of control, I didnt know which way was up, down left or right, I was just there in the moment living not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I did know one thing I had to change something before it was too late. I didnt trust anyone. I didnt want to be friends with anyone. I had cut my best friend out of my life completly and didnt trust him. I didnt talk to my family because I didnt trust them I was scared to be close to anyone, because I didnt want to get hurt, because that it what i let myself believe that everyone would just hurt me.
WELL!!!! that has all changed Thanks to some Self Improvement workshops called New Era Trainings. I cant go into detail about anything we did in those classes But they helped me to trust again, They helped me to find out who I truly was. I was able to find my core being, my true self. I became centered in my being. Focused on the future. Happy, Positive, Hopeful. I was able to trust and return to a normal life. I have become an entirely different person then I was a year ago.
Lets compare... This YEAR
Last year
Taking anti depressants NO MEDS!!!!-
Taking Anti Anxiety pills
Taking High Blood pressure meds
Loss of intrest
Depressed HAPPY
Suicidal LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE
Hopeless HOPEFUL
reclusive OUTGOING
negitive POSITIVE
losing faith STRONG TESTIMONY
bad choices CHOOSING THE RIGHT
drinking SOBER :)
And I may have not went through every class that The New Era had to offer but just going throught the first workshops was enough for me, They WERE priceless, I came out with a UNCLUTTERED AUTHENTIC VIEW OF MYSELF! I was also able to stand firmly for my beliefs and standards, From that moment the testimony in my bosom grew and has been blossoming into a beautiful rose. I just need not forget to water it :)
So for me my life was flipped upside down and I was able to declutter all that garbage I was carrying around with me, I was able to find myself inside a wharehouse full of false images, bad memories, and harsh feelings that I had been storing, and I was able to walk out of there hand in hand with my real self finally reconnect and HAPPY!!!!
SO..... even though we cant change the past our attitude about the past can change, we can learn from it, let go and move on.
" Its our Attitude Not our Aptitude That will determine our Altitude!!!"
LOVE YOU ALL!!
Ok so you may be thinking... WHOA... having your life flipped upside down isnt such a good thing, Well maybe not unless your life was upside down to begin with? :)
Well that is exactly how mine was, upside down, distorted, confused, whatever you want to call it... I woul like to call it CLUTTERED!!!!
I had lived my life gathering.... gathering bad expiences, bad memories, sad times, harsh feelings, death, holding on to loved ones, holding onto myths about who I was, and not knowing the Facts about who I REALLY AM!!!
But January 2010 came along. I was turning 25!!!! yep 25 years old and I knew it was time to make some changes because the way life was going for me was not right, I was at my lowest point, Lost and spiraling out of control, I didnt know which way was up, down left or right, I was just there in the moment living not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I did know one thing I had to change something before it was too late. I didnt trust anyone. I didnt want to be friends with anyone. I had cut my best friend out of my life completly and didnt trust him. I didnt talk to my family because I didnt trust them I was scared to be close to anyone, because I didnt want to get hurt, because that it what i let myself believe that everyone would just hurt me.
WELL!!!! that has all changed Thanks to some Self Improvement workshops called New Era Trainings. I cant go into detail about anything we did in those classes But they helped me to trust again, They helped me to find out who I truly was. I was able to find my core being, my true self. I became centered in my being. Focused on the future. Happy, Positive, Hopeful. I was able to trust and return to a normal life. I have become an entirely different person then I was a year ago.
Lets compare... This YEAR
Last year
Taking anti depressants NO MEDS!!!!-
Taking Anti Anxiety pills
Taking High Blood pressure meds
Loss of intrest
Depressed HAPPY
Suicidal LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE
Hopeless HOPEFUL
reclusive OUTGOING
negitive POSITIVE
losing faith STRONG TESTIMONY
bad choices CHOOSING THE RIGHT
drinking SOBER :)
And I may have not went through every class that The New Era had to offer but just going throught the first workshops was enough for me, They WERE priceless, I came out with a UNCLUTTERED AUTHENTIC VIEW OF MYSELF! I was also able to stand firmly for my beliefs and standards, From that moment the testimony in my bosom grew and has been blossoming into a beautiful rose. I just need not forget to water it :)
So for me my life was flipped upside down and I was able to declutter all that garbage I was carrying around with me, I was able to find myself inside a wharehouse full of false images, bad memories, and harsh feelings that I had been storing, and I was able to walk out of there hand in hand with my real self finally reconnect and HAPPY!!!!
SO..... even though we cant change the past our attitude about the past can change, we can learn from it, let go and move on.
" Its our Attitude Not our Aptitude That will determine our Altitude!!!"
LOVE YOU ALL!!
Friday, October 8, 2010
The unknown path
We all walk this path of life differently. We all encounter different struggles and different people. Some will have a rougher path than others and some will have a nice clear path. God has sent us here to grow and learn as we walk the road of mortality. I have come to find that even though my path has been full of rocks, mountain terrain, brush, thorns, darkness, it has also had its beaches, lake, and beautiful sunshine.
like one of my favorite quotes says:
"You cannot dream yourself into a character: you must hammer and forge yourself into one."
Henry D. Thoreau
(That hammering and forging comes from the trials and obstacles we face throughout our lives, without the lessons we have learned and with out the knowledge of overcoming and growing from thos trials we would noit be ourselves, we would not ...have the drive to move and push forward to accomplish the things we dream of. We will never accomplish our Goals without first endless hard work. I am running full force into the future, I cant wait to see what is in store, BECAUSE ITS GONNA BE AMAZING!)
I have learned alot from the path I have been making, There were times I would stop and just sit in the middle of the road and not want to go any further, That is when my friends path would come across mine, stop awhile pick me up and tell me that I needed to keep on moving. There were moments when I didnt feel Gods presence at those moments i felt the most despair and lost, at those times I felt as life want worth living anymore. I came close to letting go, but in those darkest scariest moments is when I lsiten for music, and it picks me up and draws me to it back out of the darkness. At the times in my youth of endless torture and bullying I found it harder to hear the music but somehow was able to get myself away from the dark thoughts of ending it all and bettering the world because I was not in it anymore. I found that through writing and listening to music I was able to escape the reality of the moment and escape into my dreams. Through walking this rugged path I have strengthened my feet to endure anything that my path has in store for me in the future. I have grown as my UNKNOWN PATH has been revealed moment by moment and day by day. I only recently found the joy of the unknown and cant wait to see what is in store. I have been blessed by the many trial and obstacles I have faced and will continue to grow with each new passing day. The future will be amazing because I will be strong and make the future what I want. If its to be its up to me. I will fight everyday to follow my dreams, I will fight anything and anyone who gets in my way. I am stronger now and am moving into a wonderful unknown future!
like one of my favorite quotes says:
"You cannot dream yourself into a character: you must hammer and forge yourself into one."
Henry D. Thoreau
(That hammering and forging comes from the trials and obstacles we face throughout our lives, without the lessons we have learned and with out the knowledge of overcoming and growing from thos trials we would noit be ourselves, we would not ...have the drive to move and push forward to accomplish the things we dream of. We will never accomplish our Goals without first endless hard work. I am running full force into the future, I cant wait to see what is in store, BECAUSE ITS GONNA BE AMAZING!)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Life DOES have a soundtrack!
So as previously discussed in recent posts I have been working out 5 days a week and will now soon be starting my 8 sessions with my trainer. I am really excited because this is all part of my plans for the future. WELL!!!!
Imagine if you will 5 years old and you hear this voice, and that voice just happens to be Dolly Parton, and from that point on, for the rest of your life, All you have ever wanted was to be a singer, and like Dolly Parton Share your talents with the world! Well this is my story! I, at 5 years old, heard Dolly and fell in love with music, I didnt know at that point how important music would become to me in the future. I love to sing, I have always loved to sing, Being on stage is the one place where I feel the most comfortable and confident. I Never had self esteem growing up as my previous post about me growing up I was always overweight and hated myself but put me on stage and all of that went away. Had I not had music I probably would not have made it through my teen years. While I was going through depression I threw myself into writing lyrics, random lyrics about how I was feeling, I think that writing out those feelings, helped me to keep myself somewhat grounded and kept me from actually commiting suicide. It created a temporary escape when times got really bad. I keep the lyrics still today to remind me about what I went though to make me the amazing woman I am today, I Learned so much from my past and even though it was hard at the time it shaped me to be who I am. Music has been the most important thing for me, On a normal day you can find me working in my office and singing away to music on the radio, my ipod, or on my computer, in my car driving ill be singing to whatever song is on the radio, walking thru the store, SINGING :) working out i sing, in the shower i sing ( come on who doesnt LOL), Someday I will achieve my goal of becoming a singer, but for me its not about the fortune and fame, yeah that stuff is nice, but mostly its about following my dreams after ovecoming the bullying and other obstacles from my past. I want to be able to have influence and be able to help more young people who are struggling. I want to be able to use the expierences that I have went through to help others overcome the things they are facing. I want to be able to use my talents to help make others overcome there obstacle. I will follow my dreams forever, Always reaching for the stars,
As I go through my life the music in my soul, Heart and head is always turned on. Their is a song for every memory and a song for every event. The soundtrack of my life is one that has songs from ever corner of the music world, from classical to hard rock to country and pop to rap. Music is my life and my lungs are filled with music notes that just come out with every breathe.
Music to me is like breathing it is something that is need for me to live it is a part of my sould it is who I AM!
Imagine if you will 5 years old and you hear this voice, and that voice just happens to be Dolly Parton, and from that point on, for the rest of your life, All you have ever wanted was to be a singer, and like Dolly Parton Share your talents with the world! Well this is my story! I, at 5 years old, heard Dolly and fell in love with music, I didnt know at that point how important music would become to me in the future. I love to sing, I have always loved to sing, Being on stage is the one place where I feel the most comfortable and confident. I Never had self esteem growing up as my previous post about me growing up I was always overweight and hated myself but put me on stage and all of that went away. Had I not had music I probably would not have made it through my teen years. While I was going through depression I threw myself into writing lyrics, random lyrics about how I was feeling, I think that writing out those feelings, helped me to keep myself somewhat grounded and kept me from actually commiting suicide. It created a temporary escape when times got really bad. I keep the lyrics still today to remind me about what I went though to make me the amazing woman I am today, I Learned so much from my past and even though it was hard at the time it shaped me to be who I am. Music has been the most important thing for me, On a normal day you can find me working in my office and singing away to music on the radio, my ipod, or on my computer, in my car driving ill be singing to whatever song is on the radio, walking thru the store, SINGING :) working out i sing, in the shower i sing ( come on who doesnt LOL), Someday I will achieve my goal of becoming a singer, but for me its not about the fortune and fame, yeah that stuff is nice, but mostly its about following my dreams after ovecoming the bullying and other obstacles from my past. I want to be able to have influence and be able to help more young people who are struggling. I want to be able to use the expierences that I have went through to help others overcome the things they are facing. I want to be able to use my talents to help make others overcome there obstacle. I will follow my dreams forever, Always reaching for the stars,
As I go through my life the music in my soul, Heart and head is always turned on. Their is a song for every memory and a song for every event. The soundtrack of my life is one that has songs from ever corner of the music world, from classical to hard rock to country and pop to rap. Music is my life and my lungs are filled with music notes that just come out with every breathe.
Music to me is like breathing it is something that is need for me to live it is a part of my sould it is who I AM!
This soundtrack is never ending
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Life thru a broken mirror
January 16, 1985. A baby was born in modesto, CA. she was a beautiful baby girl, 10 lbs 10 oz. big baby. little did she know but that would follow her throughout life. the baby was named Jennifer. Oh wait haha thats me! Yes so this is my story please read, enjoy and learn something!
I have always struggled with my weight even when I was younger I was always being teased. I remeber going thru the end of elementry school 4th and 5th grade. Bigger than al lthe rest of the kids in my classes. one thing I remeber is not wanting to go to recess because this group of kids would always surround me and call me blimb and hot air balloon. It was a tought thing at that young age to realize that people were getting entertainment out of making fun of me. I had enough and by the middle of my 5th grade year I had no real friends, gave up playing the clarinet and piano and secluded myself, spending lunch in a corner eating alone, and not goin to the playground. I hated particpating in school activities and then i started getting depressed.
All thru these years from 5th grade until I graduated I was depressed and suicidal, I faked my smiles and played along taking life a moment at a time, just waiting for the next fat joke or bully to come my way, and sure enough I was never let down. I would be late to class in order to avoid crossing the quad at school when it was full of people because when I did the laughter and remarks would follow! one such that had the greatest impact was the mooing at me by the hicks at my school. I cant remember or count how many times I cried wishing I could be dead, never been born, or someone else. another remark that hurt was the earthquake jokes that would happen at every PE class from 6th grade until 11th grade. I would skip PE or ditch in order to escape the harassment. Middle School and High School were HELL on earth for me with little moments of light.
Sunshine in the dark.... Well choir! I loved choir, I felt safe and at home on that stage, When I am singing I am the realest version of myself. Alton wrote some fun version of Smallville and we would read it durning lunch period. and Then WORK EXPEIRENCE!!! yes I got to leave school early and go to work.. 1 hour shorter day at the hell high school!
So lets see. 5th - 12th grade were filled with bullying, teasing and depression. I pulled myself thru with a new found faith in a higher power my Heavenly Father, grasping on as tight as I could to that little glimmer of hope that he loved me, and that with him I could pull thru and graduate. Well I did. May 2003 my name was called I stood up in my Gold graduation cap and gown walked to the podium shook the pricipals hand recieved my diploma and screamed to my family in the stands! It was finally over and I could move on with my life!
Well since then I have been to Spain, New York, Nashville, Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, Oregon, Washinton, Colorado, Lived in Idaho and Santa Barbara, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Arizon, Nevada, New Mexico, and went to a few colleges, I may not have my degree yet but I will soon. I have worked at the same job for the last 8 years now and trying to save money.
I have been in one abusive relationship and learned many lessons.
I have been in love with my best friend and deal with those feelings everyday.
I have been living most of my life until now in a LIE... keeping me from seeing anything good in myself, I saw only what others said I was, UGLY.... WORTHLESS.... GROSS..... I lived life thru a mirror that was broken, pieces of me were gone and missing, pieces shattered so far that they were unrecognizable. I had no clue who I was or what I wanted! I DIDNT WANT TO EVER LOOK IN THAT MIRROR! FOR FEAR SOMETHING ELSE WOULD BE GONE OR THE MIRROR WOULD BREAK MORE.
I love you all and because of the trials God has blessed me with throughout my life I am now a stronger more sympathetic woman. I have grown up and matured into the kind of woman I would want my daughters to be and my sons to marry! I will keep going down the path I am paving and continue to grow with each sunrise and each rainstorm!
I HAVE PIECED THAT MIRROR BACK TOGETHER AND WHAT I SEE IS SOMEONE WHO IS PRECIOUS, SOMEONE THAT IS BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING. I LOVE WHAT I SEE AND CANT WAIT FOR THE AMAZING FUTURE THAT AWAITS ME!
I have always struggled with my weight even when I was younger I was always being teased. I remeber going thru the end of elementry school 4th and 5th grade. Bigger than al lthe rest of the kids in my classes. one thing I remeber is not wanting to go to recess because this group of kids would always surround me and call me blimb and hot air balloon. It was a tought thing at that young age to realize that people were getting entertainment out of making fun of me. I had enough and by the middle of my 5th grade year I had no real friends, gave up playing the clarinet and piano and secluded myself, spending lunch in a corner eating alone, and not goin to the playground. I hated particpating in school activities and then i started getting depressed.
Well then we graduated 5th grade and moved on to middle school. I had a couple "friends" and one best friend Amy Lynn (you can read about her in my other blog post). Well moving into 6th grade I dont remeber much other than winning some writing competition for a short story I wrote. 7th grade is a blur. Now 8th grade here is when things get weird. Well My friend Amy starts dating this guy Bruce, whom we both thought was cute, and had met at a basketball game, and begins homeschooling. I miss her at school and spend most of my time alone, or in the foreign language club. Well 8th grade graduation dance!! So this is my first expeirence with Karaoke and I will never forget singing the Eye of the Tiger at the dance. Well we graduate 8th grade and now comes Highschool!!! WOW... well I get my license and start driving the truck. I begin to be more popular with my "friends" ( cuz i can drive and they cant). well i begin the year hanging out with all the punk kids, goths and rebels, yep I even conformed to that gothic way of dress and makeup :). Well I soon find that Bruce, Amys now Ex. boyfriend is attending Highschool with me. He is in my choir class and remebers me as Amys bestie. Well, we start to become friends, and actually end up becoming best friends as well. I have always had an easier time becoming friends with guys because I'm a bit of a tomboy myself. Well Bruce and I will spend the next 5 years as amazing friends. at the end of my Freshman year in highschool I was introduced to the Mormon church, took the missionary discussions and was baptized as a member of the LDS faith. I am still an active member today 9 years later. I stop hanging out with alot of the people I used to because of my new standards and morals, So at the begining of my 10th grade year I pretty much only talked to Bruce. Well I knew this girl from kindergarden and she became a good friend her name was Stephanie, we did alot together even though she came from a strict home we found ways around it LOL. then there is Jenny she was a friend of mine but we never really were good friends. I then met Barbara Milner thru church and we became and still are best friends. I hated her at first but soon found we had tons in common and too this day we are still great friends, even tho she is married and lives in sacramento now. I met her about 11th grade. well I met some good people here and there and found a group to kinda attach to to eat lunch with, including, Clarice, Alton, Heather, Blake, and Rebekka. I guess you can say I felt alone most of the time even in a group of people, and honestly its not until right now in this moment I realize how many people I had met in my life. I was in choir all 4 years of highschool. and singing is my passion, my dream and soon to be reality!
All thru these years from 5th grade until I graduated I was depressed and suicidal, I faked my smiles and played along taking life a moment at a time, just waiting for the next fat joke or bully to come my way, and sure enough I was never let down. I would be late to class in order to avoid crossing the quad at school when it was full of people because when I did the laughter and remarks would follow! one such that had the greatest impact was the mooing at me by the hicks at my school. I cant remember or count how many times I cried wishing I could be dead, never been born, or someone else. another remark that hurt was the earthquake jokes that would happen at every PE class from 6th grade until 11th grade. I would skip PE or ditch in order to escape the harassment. Middle School and High School were HELL on earth for me with little moments of light.
Sunshine in the dark.... Well choir! I loved choir, I felt safe and at home on that stage, When I am singing I am the realest version of myself. Alton wrote some fun version of Smallville and we would read it durning lunch period. and Then WORK EXPEIRENCE!!! yes I got to leave school early and go to work.. 1 hour shorter day at the hell high school!
So lets see. 5th - 12th grade were filled with bullying, teasing and depression. I pulled myself thru with a new found faith in a higher power my Heavenly Father, grasping on as tight as I could to that little glimmer of hope that he loved me, and that with him I could pull thru and graduate. Well I did. May 2003 my name was called I stood up in my Gold graduation cap and gown walked to the podium shook the pricipals hand recieved my diploma and screamed to my family in the stands! It was finally over and I could move on with my life!
Well since then I have been to Spain, New York, Nashville, Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, Oregon, Washinton, Colorado, Lived in Idaho and Santa Barbara, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Arizon, Nevada, New Mexico, and went to a few colleges, I may not have my degree yet but I will soon. I have worked at the same job for the last 8 years now and trying to save money.
I have been in one abusive relationship and learned many lessons.
I have been in love with my best friend and deal with those feelings everyday.
I have been living most of my life until now in a LIE... keeping me from seeing anything good in myself, I saw only what others said I was, UGLY.... WORTHLESS.... GROSS..... I lived life thru a mirror that was broken, pieces of me were gone and missing, pieces shattered so far that they were unrecognizable. I had no clue who I was or what I wanted! I DIDNT WANT TO EVER LOOK IN THAT MIRROR! FOR FEAR SOMETHING ELSE WOULD BE GONE OR THE MIRROR WOULD BREAK MORE.I am now on the path to recovery from bad lifestyle choices and living a healthier life now. I have a trainer and eating healthy!
I am empowering myself and I am finally able to truly LOVE MYSELF. I am no longer lost about who I am. I am no longer allowing myself to be someone im not just to fit into a mold. THERE ARE NO MORE EXCUSES! every action I have taken has brought me to where I am at right now, I am Jennifer: beautiful, funny, loyal, respectful, enthusiastic, excited, energetic, happy, smart, creative, talented, spontanious, adventuraous, loving, caring, unstoppable, determined, musical, and most of all I AM ME!!!!!
I love you all and because of the trials God has blessed me with throughout my life I am now a stronger more sympathetic woman. I have grown up and matured into the kind of woman I would want my daughters to be and my sons to marry! I will keep going down the path I am paving and continue to grow with each sunrise and each rainstorm!
I HAVE PIECED THAT MIRROR BACK TOGETHER AND WHAT I SEE IS SOMEONE WHO IS PRECIOUS, SOMEONE THAT IS BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING. I LOVE WHAT I SEE AND CANT WAIT FOR THE AMAZING FUTURE THAT AWAITS ME!
Me at American Idol Audition 2010 :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Love is NOT blind
So the saying goes, "Love is blind". That is so not true.... so you may be asking why? I will share my opinion on this...
So its a hot fall evening and the conversation about attraction and dating and other such things comes up, Now I will tell you this is one topic that I just cannot keep my mouth shut about because I find todays ways of thinking disgusting and immature.
The topic was brought to a point of how being attractive and or attracted to a person is the most important and then personality! THAT IS DISGUSTING AND BACKWARDS!!!! I believe that someones personality is the most important thing of an individual and that is the only thing a relationship should be based on and everything else should, you know there is another saying that many people forget that says, " Beauty fades with time, but an ugly personality will always be the same." You see as we age the outward appearance will fade, YES, you can spend uber amounts of money on plastic surgery, face lifts, butt lifts, tummy tucks, a nip here and a tuck there and soon you look..... well ok so most likely youll look like a freak! REALLY.... MONEY DOESNT BUY BEAUTY! because no matter how many surgeries you have, they dont got a surgery to give you a better personality. I have to say there are many times that I have heard this same concversation, about how some guy, is ok with being friends with someone but, EWWW I would never date them have you looked at them! hmmm... whats wrong with this, It was just stated the other night in a conversation with a male lets call him MOGLEY, well here is what he said.... " HOW CAN YOU DATE SOME ONE IF YOUR DISGUSTED TO TOUCH THEM" WOW!!!! talk about harsh, so ok this is sad I mean here is a person I thought would have class, have respect, be a guy who has more respect for a woman then just how her outward appearance is, BUT no... I was wrong... You see, Guys will pass over the girl who heaven forbid, is overweight, short, too tall, maybe has a different look, wrong hair color, has freckles, or maybe they wear glasses, But hey they all get there chance sooner or later, (hopefully they hold out hoping one day a guy can get off his high horse get over himself and figure out that its not what the person looks like that matters)
Ok so heres a little history about me. I have been overweight since I was in the 4th grade, So pretty much my entire life, So Believe me when I tell you that I know how it feels to be the punch line of many jokes, The victim of endless torment and teasing. to be pushed around and kicked, bullied everyday and made fun of everday of school from 4th grade until I graduated High School. Well do you think it has ended there>? NO!!! To this day I am still made fun of and teased, whether by people I know or someone makes a comment while im out at some place enjoying myself. I have spent My entire life trying to figure out why I had to be overweight, WHY ME!!! I mean I am an amazing person, strong, determined, Loyal, caring, and always there for the people who need me. I spent my entire teen years in massive amounts of depression, spending lunches sitting alone, or hiding from the tormentors. Not going to recess because I knew that if I went to the playground they were going to start laughin and calling me names. I failed PE because I was afraid to run and be made fun of, and I wouldnt change into PE clothes because the girls would make fun of me. Growing up FAT is not fun, It is a life of HELL literally being told everyday that you are ugly, a blimb, fatter, worthless, your a waste of space, marshmellow, cow, heffer and a never ending amount of names and jokes, it wears on a persons soul, I spent many times alone contemplating if it was even worth going on anymore, If I end it now then maybe everyones life would be better. BUT NO!!! that was not the answer, I had a purpose (even though I dont know what that is) to fulfill, I was just gonna have to suffer. and suffer i did every day of every year until 2010. This year I was at a major cliff in life and was about to fall over the edge, I didnt know where to go or what to do, I was lost and and had lost my identity, I didnt know who I truly was anymore, I had lost hold of my dreams and my goals, I let go of everything that meant anything to me to fall into a mold to please other people, well at this cliff just before I fell I found aid in my Godfather ( who is also my angel) he lead me to New Era, workshops for self improvement, Well those helped me find myslef, and empowered me to pull out, shift my attitude and become the person I had inside my authentic self.. THE REAL JENNIFER!!!
So no you know my story, lets get back to this love is not blind thing, I have been on 2 real dates and they were fun. but come on 2 dates in 10 years of dating aged life!!! REALLY! Ahh yes but remeber I am Overweight... HAHA guys dont want to date girls who are FAT... they want that girl that is skinny and who cares if she has a personality or not, SHE IS SKINNY!! so yes. Take for example. I had a best friend along time ago, we were best friends for 6 years.....yep 6 years. We were so close I knew his family he knew mine, we would always do stuff together, sing with each other, talk for hours on the phone about nothing and get lost in thos conversations, BUT.... no matter how close we were He said he would not date me, I asked him why once right before graduating High School and moving on to bigger and better things, and he said, Well I love hanging out with you, and I love your personality... BUT... well your just to fat... I was astounded by this, flabbergasted and speechless. I had nothing to say to him, EVER AGAIN, I have not talked to him since 2003 since that day I would never see or talk to him again, that disgusted me. REALLY, how can you be like that, so close, best friends, happy and want to spend time with each other, but because oh you dont have the right look, your not worth my time to call a girlfriend??? REALLY!!!
I now have the understanding that No matter what happens, at least now I LOVE ME!!! and my father in heaven loves me and honestly that is all that matters, Yes... I want the companionship of someone, but its not the most important thing anymore, I am sick of being rejected by guys because I am overweight, WELL GUESS WHAT!!! that can change with time, and guess what, I have the most amazing personality, I am fun, have a great sense of humor, Love to be outdoors, Loyal, caring, respectful, hard working, sympathetic, adventurous, spontaneous and BEAUTIFUL!!! INSIDE AND OUT....
Guys need to get over themselves and realize that even though a girl maybe DIFFERENT... doesnt mean that she is worthless. She may be the most amazing woman that they will never get to know
** p.s. this is not all guys just like maybe 90%, Thankfully there are those 10% that arent shallow or conceited to care about only what someone looks like!!!
So its a hot fall evening and the conversation about attraction and dating and other such things comes up, Now I will tell you this is one topic that I just cannot keep my mouth shut about because I find todays ways of thinking disgusting and immature.
The topic was brought to a point of how being attractive and or attracted to a person is the most important and then personality! THAT IS DISGUSTING AND BACKWARDS!!!! I believe that someones personality is the most important thing of an individual and that is the only thing a relationship should be based on and everything else should, you know there is another saying that many people forget that says, " Beauty fades with time, but an ugly personality will always be the same." You see as we age the outward appearance will fade, YES, you can spend uber amounts of money on plastic surgery, face lifts, butt lifts, tummy tucks, a nip here and a tuck there and soon you look..... well ok so most likely youll look like a freak! REALLY.... MONEY DOESNT BUY BEAUTY! because no matter how many surgeries you have, they dont got a surgery to give you a better personality. I have to say there are many times that I have heard this same concversation, about how some guy, is ok with being friends with someone but, EWWW I would never date them have you looked at them! hmmm... whats wrong with this, It was just stated the other night in a conversation with a male lets call him MOGLEY, well here is what he said.... " HOW CAN YOU DATE SOME ONE IF YOUR DISGUSTED TO TOUCH THEM" WOW!!!! talk about harsh, so ok this is sad I mean here is a person I thought would have class, have respect, be a guy who has more respect for a woman then just how her outward appearance is, BUT no... I was wrong... You see, Guys will pass over the girl who heaven forbid, is overweight, short, too tall, maybe has a different look, wrong hair color, has freckles, or maybe they wear glasses, But hey they all get there chance sooner or later, (hopefully they hold out hoping one day a guy can get off his high horse get over himself and figure out that its not what the person looks like that matters)
Ok so heres a little history about me. I have been overweight since I was in the 4th grade, So pretty much my entire life, So Believe me when I tell you that I know how it feels to be the punch line of many jokes, The victim of endless torment and teasing. to be pushed around and kicked, bullied everyday and made fun of everday of school from 4th grade until I graduated High School. Well do you think it has ended there>? NO!!! To this day I am still made fun of and teased, whether by people I know or someone makes a comment while im out at some place enjoying myself. I have spent My entire life trying to figure out why I had to be overweight, WHY ME!!! I mean I am an amazing person, strong, determined, Loyal, caring, and always there for the people who need me. I spent my entire teen years in massive amounts of depression, spending lunches sitting alone, or hiding from the tormentors. Not going to recess because I knew that if I went to the playground they were going to start laughin and calling me names. I failed PE because I was afraid to run and be made fun of, and I wouldnt change into PE clothes because the girls would make fun of me. Growing up FAT is not fun, It is a life of HELL literally being told everyday that you are ugly, a blimb, fatter, worthless, your a waste of space, marshmellow, cow, heffer and a never ending amount of names and jokes, it wears on a persons soul, I spent many times alone contemplating if it was even worth going on anymore, If I end it now then maybe everyones life would be better. BUT NO!!! that was not the answer, I had a purpose (even though I dont know what that is) to fulfill, I was just gonna have to suffer. and suffer i did every day of every year until 2010. This year I was at a major cliff in life and was about to fall over the edge, I didnt know where to go or what to do, I was lost and and had lost my identity, I didnt know who I truly was anymore, I had lost hold of my dreams and my goals, I let go of everything that meant anything to me to fall into a mold to please other people, well at this cliff just before I fell I found aid in my Godfather ( who is also my angel) he lead me to New Era, workshops for self improvement, Well those helped me find myslef, and empowered me to pull out, shift my attitude and become the person I had inside my authentic self.. THE REAL JENNIFER!!!
So no you know my story, lets get back to this love is not blind thing, I have been on 2 real dates and they were fun. but come on 2 dates in 10 years of dating aged life!!! REALLY! Ahh yes but remeber I am Overweight... HAHA guys dont want to date girls who are FAT... they want that girl that is skinny and who cares if she has a personality or not, SHE IS SKINNY!! so yes. Take for example. I had a best friend along time ago, we were best friends for 6 years.....yep 6 years. We were so close I knew his family he knew mine, we would always do stuff together, sing with each other, talk for hours on the phone about nothing and get lost in thos conversations, BUT.... no matter how close we were He said he would not date me, I asked him why once right before graduating High School and moving on to bigger and better things, and he said, Well I love hanging out with you, and I love your personality... BUT... well your just to fat... I was astounded by this, flabbergasted and speechless. I had nothing to say to him, EVER AGAIN, I have not talked to him since 2003 since that day I would never see or talk to him again, that disgusted me. REALLY, how can you be like that, so close, best friends, happy and want to spend time with each other, but because oh you dont have the right look, your not worth my time to call a girlfriend??? REALLY!!!
I now have the understanding that No matter what happens, at least now I LOVE ME!!! and my father in heaven loves me and honestly that is all that matters, Yes... I want the companionship of someone, but its not the most important thing anymore, I am sick of being rejected by guys because I am overweight, WELL GUESS WHAT!!! that can change with time, and guess what, I have the most amazing personality, I am fun, have a great sense of humor, Love to be outdoors, Loyal, caring, respectful, hard working, sympathetic, adventurous, spontaneous and BEAUTIFUL!!! INSIDE AND OUT....
Guys need to get over themselves and realize that even though a girl maybe DIFFERENT... doesnt mean that she is worthless. She may be the most amazing woman that they will never get to know
** p.s. this is not all guys just like maybe 90%, Thankfully there are those 10% that arent shallow or conceited to care about only what someone looks like!!!
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